October, 2008 (which explains the Hallowe'en jokes?)
Didn't I tell you we were saving the jokes forever? That's what in perpetuum means.
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October 31, 2008
Special Hallowe'en Edition
An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.
Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.
In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.
A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.
As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard (barely containing his laughter) who had watched the whole incident walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here! ?"
The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost"
A lady is throwing a Halloween party, and to make it challenging, she tells everyone that they should come dressed as an emotion.
So she is getting everything ready, and the doorbell rings. It is her best friend from work, who is wearing a long green gown, green gloves up past her elbows, and green eye shadow. "What are you?" the hostess asks. "I'm green with envy!" her friend replies. "Great, come on in!"
The doorbell rings again, and it's her husband's boss. He is wearing a red tux, with red face paint, horns, and yellow contacts. "Let me guess," says the hostess, "you're red with rage!" "Right!" says the guest.
And so it goes.
Later, things are going great... the party's packed when the doorbell rings. The hostess opens the door, and there stands her crazy neighbor from a couple of doors down. He's standing there completely naked, with a hard-on, and a pear stuck on the end of his dick.
"Um, what are you supposed to be?" the hostess asks uncomfortably.
The neighbor replies, "I'm fuckin' dis-pair!!!"
October 30, 2008
A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.
The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him earnestly.
"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be alright. I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together in his groin.
But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then asked him "How does that feel?"
He replied "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."
October 29, 2008
The Gay Cowboy
October 28, 2008
There was a blonde and a brunette in an elevator. On their way down, they stop to pick up another person also on their way down. When the person got on, the girls noticed that he was pretty cute. Unfortunately he had dandruff. Finally, on the way off of the elevator the two girls let the guy go ahead of them. The brunette turns to the blonde and says "Oh my god! We need to give him Head and Shoulders." The blonde then replies "That's a pretty good idea, but how are we going to give him shoulders?"
October 27, 2008
A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong. The ship
They manage to swim to a small island and they live
there for a
After several years of casual sex, Jessica felt
It was tragic but Bob and Tom managed to get through
it. After a while, Bob's and Tom's
Well, a couple more years went by and Bob and Tom began
to feel absolutely horrible about what
So they buried Jessica.
October 26, 2008
Wife and husband have bought condoms with different flavours.
October 25, 2008
Courtroom lines that SOUND bad:
Have you looked through her briefs?
He is one hard judge!
Counsellor, let's do it in chambers.
His attorney withdrew at the last minute.
Is it a penal offense?
Better leave the handcuffs on.
For $200 an hour, she better be good!
Can you get him to drop his suit?
The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.
Think you can get me off?
October 24, 2008
While making love, he says:
October 23, 2008
A lecturer teaching medicine was
giving a classroom observation. He took out a jar of yellow liquid. "This," he
explained, "is urine. To be a doctor, you have to be observant of color, smell,
sight, and taste."
October 22, 2008
Contributed by Richard
married man left work early one Friday but instead of going home, he spent
October 21, 2008
Contributed by Geneviève
Wal-Mart has everything!
October 20, 2008
There once was a man from kanass
October 19, 2008
One day a man came home from work earlier than usual and caught his wife in bed with his best friend. Enraged, the husband grabbed a gun and shot his friend to death.
His wife said, "Ya' know, if you go on like this, you're going to lose ALL your friends."
October 18, 2008
A duck walks into a bar and asks: "Got any
October 17, 2008
A man was in a doctors office and the doctor walked in and said, "Ok what do you need today sir?"
The man pulled down his pants and showed the doctor his beat up, bruised, and bleeding penis.
The doctor said, "Damn, how did you do that?"
The man said, "Well I live in a trailer, and every night I have noticed that the woman in the trailer next to mine at exactly 9:00pm, she moves her rug where there is a hole in the floor, she sticks a hot dog in the hole and masturbates with it.
So one day I got an idea at 8:45pm I would go under her trailer and when she put the hot dog in the hole I would pull it out and stick my penis in the hole.
So that night I did, and it was going great until someone knocked on the door and she tried to kick it under the oven!"