October, 2008 (which explains the Hallowe'en jokes?)

Didn't I tell you we were saving the jokes forever? That's what in perpetuum means.

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October 31, 2008

Special Hallowe'en Edition

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.

Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.

In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard (barely containing his laughter) who had watched the whole incident walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here! ?"

The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost"

                

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A lady is throwing a Halloween party, and to make it challenging, she tells everyone that they should come dressed as an emotion.

So she is getting everything ready, and the doorbell rings. It is her best friend from work, who is wearing a long green gown, green gloves up past her elbows, and green eye shadow. "What are you?" the hostess asks. "I'm green with envy!" her friend replies. "Great, come on in!"

The doorbell rings again, and it's her husband's boss. He is wearing a red tux, with red face paint, horns, and yellow contacts. "Let me guess," says the hostess, "you're red with rage!" "Right!" says the guest.

And so it goes.

Later, things are going great... the party's packed when the doorbell rings. The hostess opens the door, and there stands her crazy neighbor from a couple of doors down. He's standing there completely naked, with a hard-on, and a pear stuck on the end of his dick.

"Um, what are you supposed to be?" the hostess asks uncomfortably.

The neighbor replies, "I'm fuckin' dis-pair!!!"

       

 

October 30, 2008

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him earnestly.

"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be alright. I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together in his groin.

But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then asked him "How does that feel?"

He replied "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."

October 29, 2008

The Gay Cowboy

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was
doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, 'You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels.'

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.
One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.

Two o'clock and no hired hand.

Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her.

''Unbutton my blouse and take it off,' she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed.
''Now take off my boots.' He did as she asked, ever so slowly.
''Now take off my socks.' He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
''Now take off my skirt.' He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

''Now take off my bra.' Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, 'If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired.'

(I didn't see it coming, either.)

October 28, 2008

There was a blonde and a brunette in an elevator. On their way down, they stop to pick up another person also on their way down. When the person got on, the girls noticed that he was pretty cute. Unfortunately he had dandruff. Finally, on the way off of the elevator the two girls let the guy go ahead of them. The brunette turns to the blonde and says "Oh my god! We need to give him Head and Shoulders." The blonde then replies "That's a pretty good idea, but how are we going to give him shoulders?" 

October 27, 2008

A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong.   The ship sinks
and there are 3   Survivors; Bob, Tom and Jessica.

They manage to swim to a small island and they live there for a
couple of years doing what's natural for men and women
to do.

After several years of casual sex, Jessica felt
absolutely horrible about what she was doing. She felt
having sex with both Bob and Tom was too immoral and she
killed herself.  

It was tragic but Bob and Tom managed to get through it.   After a while, Bob's and Tom's
resistance to nature's urgings returned and the inevitable happened.  

Well, a couple more years went by and Bob and Tom began to feel absolutely horrible about what
they were doing.

So they buried Jessica.

October 26, 2008

Wife and husband have bought condoms with different flavours.
- Darling, I will turn off the light, put one on and you guess the flavour.
As soon as he turns off the light, she takes it in the mouth and says:
- Gorgonzola!
- Wait, it is not on yet.

October 25, 2008

Courtroom lines that SOUND bad:

Have you looked through her briefs?

He is one hard judge!

Counsellor, let's do it in chambers.

His attorney withdrew at the last minute.

Is it a penal offense?

Better leave the handcuffs on.

For $200 an hour, she better be good!

Can you get him to drop his suit?

The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.

Think you can get me off?

 

October 24, 2008

While making love, he says:
- Darling, let's do 68!
- 68??? What's that?
- You do it to me and I'll owe you one.

October 23, 2008

A lecturer teaching medicine was giving a classroom observation. He took out a jar of yellow liquid. "This," he explained, "is urine. To be a doctor, you have to be observant of color, smell, sight, and taste."

After saying so, he dipped his finger into the jar and put it into his mouth. His class watched in amazement, most in disgust. But being
the good students that they were, the jar was passed, and one by one, they dipped their finger into the jar and put it into their mouths.

After the last student was done, the lecturer shook his head. "If any of you had been observant, you would have noticed that I put my second finger into the jar and my third finger into my mouth."

October 22, 2008

Contributed by Richard

A married man left work early one Friday but instead of going home, he spent
the weekend partying with the boys. When he finally returned home on Sunday
night, his wife really got on his case and stayed on it.

After a few hours of screaming, his wife paused, pointed at him and made him
an offer, 'How would you like it if you didn't see me for a couple of days?'

The husband couldn't believe his luck, so he looked up, smiled and said,
'That would suit me just fine!!'

Monday went by and the man didn't see his wife.

Tuesday and Wednesday went by and he still didn't see her.

Come Thursday, the swelling went down a bit and he could see her a little
out of the corner of his left eye.

 

October 21, 2008

Contributed by Geneviève

Wal-Mart has  everything!

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike  behind
him, 'My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor.
'Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of  money,' Mike replies.
'There's a diagnostic  computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine
sample and the computer  will tell you what 's wrong and what to do
about it. It takes ten seconds  and costs ten dollars . . . A lot cheaper than a
doctor.'

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it  to Wal-Mart.

He deposits ten dollars, and the computer  lights up and asks for the
urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot  and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a  printout:

'You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm  water and avoid heavy
activity It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for  shopping @
Wal-Mart.'

That evening, while  thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe
began wondering if the  computer could be fooled.
He mixed some tap  water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples
from his wife and  daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.

Joe hurries back to  Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits
ten dollars, pours in  his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer  prints the following:

1. Your tap water is  too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has  ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your  daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is  pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't  stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!

Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart.

October 20, 2008

There once was a man from kanass
Who's nuts were made out of brass
in stormy weather
he'd clack them together
and lightning shot out of his ass

October 19, 2008

One day a man came home from work earlier than usual and caught his wife in bed with his best friend. Enraged, the husband grabbed a gun and shot his friend to death.

His wife said, "Ya' know, if you go on like this, you're going to lose ALL your friends." 

October 18, 2008

A duck walks into a bar and asks: "Got any Bread?"
Barman says: "No."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, we have no bread."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, we haven't got any bread!"
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, are you deaf?! We haven't got any bread, and if you ask me again and I'll nail your dang beak to the bar you irritating dang duck!"
Duck says: "Got any nails?"
Barman says: "No"
Duck says: "Got any bread?

October 17, 2008

A man was in a doctors office and the doctor walked in and said, "Ok what do you need today sir?"

The man pulled down his pants and showed the doctor his beat up, bruised, and bleeding penis.

The doctor said, "Damn, how did you do that?"

The man said, "Well I live in a trailer, and every night I have noticed that the woman in the trailer next to mine at exactly 9:00pm, she moves her rug where there is a hole in the floor, she sticks a hot dog in the hole and masturbates with it.

So one day I got an idea at 8:45pm I would go under her trailer and when she put the hot dog in the hole I would pull it out and stick my penis in the hole.

So that night I did, and it was going great until someone knocked on the door and she tried to kick it under the oven!"