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Doing the Dishes
 

A guy is in the market for a used motorcycle. He always wanted a big Harley. He shops around, answering ads in the
newspaper, and is not having much luck. One day he comes across a beautiful classic Harley with a for sale" sign on
it. Upon inspection, he is amazed to find the bike in mint condition. He inquires about it with the owner.

"This bike is beautiful! I'll take it. But you gotta tell me how you keep it in such good shape.
"Well," says the seller, "it's pretty simple. Just make sure that if the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub
Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain. In fact, since you're buying the bike I won't need my tube of
Vaseline anymore. Here, you can have it." and he hands the buyer a tube of Vaseline.

The guy buys the bike and off he goes, a happy biker. He takes the bike over to show his girlfriend. She's ecstatic
(being a Harley fan).

That night, he decides to ride the bike over to his girlfriend's parents' house. It's the first time he's going
to meet them and figures it will make a big impression. When the couple gets to the house, the girlfriend grabs her
boyfriend's arm.

"Honey," she says, "I gotta tell you something about my parents before we go in. When we eat dinner, we don't talk.
In fact, the person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes."

"No problem," he says. And in they go.

The boyfriend is astounded. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the family
room, another huge stack of dishes. Piled up the stairs, dirty dishes. In fact, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.
They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.

As dinner progresses, the boyfriend decides to take advantage of the situation. So he leans over and kisses his
girlfriend. No one says a word. So he decides to reach over and fondle her breasts. He looks at her parents, but still
they keep quiet.

So he stands up, grabs his girlfriend, strips her naked, and they make love right on the dinner table. Still, no one says a word.

"Her Mom's kinda cute", he thinks. So he grabs his girlfriend's Mom and has his way with her right there on the
dinner table. Again, total silence.

Then, a few raindrops hit the window and the boyfriend realizes it's starting to rain. He figures he'd better take
care of the motorcycle, so he pulls the Vaseline from his pocket.

Suddenly the father stands up and shouts: "All right, all right! I'll do the damn dishes."

November 29, 2009

On a Trans-Atlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it.

Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die!" she wails.
Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I've had plenty of sex in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well I've had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN??"

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.

Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman," he says. He was gorgeous. Tall, built, with long, flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves. The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the strange man approaches. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers: "Iron"

November 28, 2009

LIFE LESSONS FROM A SNOWMAN

* It's okay if you're a little bottom heavy.

* Hold your ground, even when the heat is on.

* Wearing white is always appropriate.

* Winter is the best of the four seasons.

* It takes a few extra rolls to make a good midsection.

* There's nothing better than a foul weather friend.

* The key to life is to be a jolly, happy soul.

* It's not the size of the carrot, but the placement that counts.

* We're all made up of mostly water.

* You know you've made it when they write a song about you.

* Accessorize! Accessorize! Accessorize!

* Avoid yellow snow. Don't get too much sun.

* It's embarrassing when you can't look down and see your feet.

* It's fun to hang out in your front yard.

* Always put your best foot forward.

* There's no stopping you once you're on a roll.

November 27, 2009

The girl asked her lover, "Darling, if we get engaged will you give me a ring?"
"Sure, " replied her lover "What's your phone number?"


An American lady entered a jeweller's and said "You sold my husband a diamond ring yesterday but it's the wrong size".
"No problem madam, we can adjust the finger size easily".
"Oh, you don't understand, you sold him a five carat size, and I take a ten carat size"

Men who wear ear-rings are reckoned to make good husbands because:-
1) They have experienced pain.
2) They have bought jewellery


November 26, 2009

Submitted by Larene

1. A nursery school pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead.
How do you know that the cat was dead?' she asked her pupil.
Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move,' answered the child innocently.
You did WHAT?' the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
You know,' explained the boy, 'I leaned over and went 'Pssst' and it didn't move'

2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father.
Five minutes later........'Da-ad....''What?'
I'm thirsty. Can you bring a drink of water?'
No, You had your chance Lights out.'
Five minutes later: 'Da-aaaad.....''WHAT?'
I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??'
 I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to smack you!!'
Five minutes later.......'Daaaa-aaaad.....WHAT!'
When you come in to smack me, can you bring a drink of water?'

3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him How do you expect to get into Heaven?'
The boy thought it over and said, 'Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!''

4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, Mummy, will you sleep with me tonight?
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
I can't dear, she said. I have to sleep in Daddy's room.
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice:
The big sissy.

5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon.
All the children were invited to come forward.
One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the minister leaned over and said, That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?
The little girl replied, directly into the minister's clip-on microphone, Yes, and my Mum says it's a bitch to iron.

6. When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower.
She said, Mummy, you are getting fat!
I replied, Yes, honey, remember Mummy has a baby growing in her tummy.
I know, she replied, but what's growing in your bum?

7. A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, 'Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven.
Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine....'
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, 'What are you doing?'
The little boy answered, 'I'm doing my math homework, Mum.'
'And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?' the mother asked
'Yes,' he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, 'What are you teaching my son in math?'
The teacher replied, 'Right now, we are learning addition.'
The mother asked, 'And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a

bitch is four?'
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, 'What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four.'

8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer.. She read, '... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, 'The sky is falling, the sky is falling!'
The teacher paused then asked the class, 'And what do you think that farmer said?'
One little girl raised her hand and said, 'I think he said:
'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!''
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter.'
Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, 'I'm Jane Sugarbrown.'
The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, 'Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?'
She replied, 'I thought I was, but mother says I'm not.'

10. A little girl asked her mother, 'Can I go outside and play with the boys?'
Her mother replied, 'No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough.'
The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?'

11. A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father.
She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake The barber says to her,
'Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your muffin..'
She says, 'Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too.'

November 25, 2009

Patient: "Doctor, I’ve got a strawberry stuck up my ass." Doctor: "I’ve got some cream for that!"

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Texan: "Where are you from?" Harvard graduate: "I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions."

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An Alsatian went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof." The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog: "There are only nine words here. You could send another Woof for the same price." "But," the dog replied, "that would make no sense at all."
 

November 24, 2009

Something different today. A couple of riddles. Highlight the answers to see them. Submitted by Jayrene

Q: Which is correct to say, "The yolk of the egg *are* white" or "The yolk of the egg *is* white"?

A: The yolk is yellow

Q: The maker doesn't want it; the buyer doesn't use it; and the user doesn't even see it. What is it?

A: A coffin

Q: How many sides does a circle have?

A: 2. An inside and an outside

Complete the adage: "If you have to ask the price "...

A: You can't afford it.

November 23,2009

A guy brings his dog into the vet and says, "Could you please cut my dog's tail off?"  The vet examines the tail and says, "There is nothing wrong.  Why would you want this done?"  The man replies, "My in-laws are coming to visit, and I don't want anything in the house to make them think that they're welcome!"

Two lifeguards are working together on a beach when one of them notices sharks circling a woman who has drifted out a little too far.  He begins to get up to race to her rescue when the other lifeguard grabs his arm and holds him back.
The first lifeguard says, "Why are you holding me back?  We have to go save that woman!"
To which the other replies, "Don't worry.  That woman is my daughter-in-law."
"Are you trying to kill her?"
"Although the idea may be tempting, that is not my intent.  Just watch."
With that, the sharks organize themselves beneath the woman, and ride her on their backs all the way to shore, safely depositing her.
"What in the world gave you the notion that would happen," asked the first lifeguard.
"Professional courtesy."
 

November 21, 2009

November 20, 2009

Multitasking: The art of screwing up multiple things at once.

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn’t do it while he waited, so he said he didn’t live far and would just walk home.

On the way home, he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem: how to carry his entire load of purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, “Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?”

The farmer said, “Well, as a matter of fact my farm is very close to that house and I would walk you there but I can’t carry this lot,” he replied. The old lady suggested, “Why don’t you put the can of paint in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?”

“Why thank you very much,” he said, and proceeded to walk toward the lady’s house.

On the way he said, “Let’s take my short cut and go down this alley. We’ll be there in no time.” The little old lady looked him over cautiously and then said, “I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won’t hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?”

The farmer said, “Holy smokes, lady! I’m carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?”

The old lady replied, “Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket and I’ll hold the chickens.”

Who said elder people couldn’t multitask?

November 19, 2009

A guy goes in to see a psychologist. He says, "It seems I can't make any friends. Can you help me, you fat slob?"

Neurotics build castles in the sky.
Psychotics live in them.
Psychiatrists collect the rent.

A psychotic thinks that two and two are five.
A neurotic knows two and two are four -- but he hates it.

Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are depressed, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.
If you are delusional and occasionally hallucinate, please be aware that the thing you are holding on the side of your head is alive and about to bite off your ear.


November 18, 2009

Why God Never Received Tenure at the University

Because he had only one major publication.
And it was in Hebrew.
And it had no cited references.
 And it wasn't published in a refereed journal or even submitted for peer review.
 And some even doubt he wrote it himself.
 It may be true that he created the world but what has he done since?
 His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.
 The scientific community has had a very rough time trying to replicate his results.
 He never applied to the Ethics Board for permission to use human subjects.
When one experiment went awry, he tried to cover it up by drowning the subjects.
 He rarely came to class, just told students to read the book.
 He expelled his first two students for learning.
 Although there were only ten requirements, most students failed his tests.
 His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountain top.
 When subjects didn't behave as predicted, he often punished them, or just deleted them from the sample.

November 17, 2009

A businessman and his secretary, overcome by passion, retire to his house for what is popularly termed a "nooner." "Don't worry," he purrs. "My wife is out of town on a business trip, there's no risk." As one thing leads to another, the woman reaches into her purse and suddenly gasps, "We have to stop, I forgot to bring birth control!" "No problem," her lover replies. "I'll get my wife's diaphragm." After a few minutes of searching, he returns to the bedroom in a fury. "That witch!" he exclaims. "She took it with her! I always knew she didn't trust me!"

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A young farm couple, Homer and Darlene, got married and just couldn’t seem to get enough lovin'.
In the morning, before Homer left the house for the fields, they made love. When Homer came back from the fields, they made love.
And again at bedtime, they made love. The problem was their nooner:
It took Homer a half hour to travel home and another half hour to return to the fields and he just wasn't getting enough work done. Finally Homer asked the town doctor what to do.’
 Homer,'said the doctor, 'just take your rifle out to the fields with you and when you're in the mood,
fire off a shot into the air. That will be Darlene's signal to come out to you. Then you won't lose any field time.’

They tried Doc's advice and it worked well for a while until one day, when Homer came back to the doctor's office.’
What’s wrong?' as ked the Doc. 'Didn't my idea work? ''Oh, it worked well,' said Homer.
'Whenever I was in the mood, I fired off a shot like you said and Darlene'd come runnin'. We'd find a secluded place, make love, and then she'd go back home again.'
'Good, Homer. So what's the problem?' asked the Doc.

'Ah might train her too well. I ain't seen her since huntin' season started!'

November 16, 2009

Why the Barbie jokes, you may ask? Or you may not, but either way I will tell you. We had Madison here twice this weekend, and she played with Lisa's old Barbie doll stuff the whole time, both times (and so did Grandpa).

A little girl goes to see Santa Claus at the local shopping mall. When she arrives and sits down on Santa's lap Santa asks "What do you want for Christmas little girl?".

"I want a Barbie and a GI Joe" says the little girl.

"But Barbie comes with Ken" Santa says,

"No, Barbie only 'cums' with GI Joe!"

November 15, 2009

A man walks into the toy store to get a Barbie doll for his daughter. So he asks the assistant, as you would, "How much is Barbie?"

"Well," she says, "we have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00."

"Hey, hang on," the guy asks, "why is Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the others are only $19.95?"

"Yeah, well, it's like this ... Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture

November 14, 2009

Delivering a speech at a banquet on the night of his arrival in a large city, a visiting minister told several anecdotes he expected to repeat at meetings the next day. Because he wanted to use the jokes again, he requested the reporters to omit them from any accounts they might turn in to their newspapers. A cub reporter, in commenting on the speech, ended his piece with the following:

"The minister told a number of stories that cannot be published"

November 13, 2009

This concludes our short salute to the military

Two young soldiers were exchanging their experiences of the service in the Army. "My sergeants are wonderful", said one soldier.
"I wish I could say the same about mine," said the other.
"You could if you could lie as I do."

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A ranger outfit was having training in mountain climbing. One of the men slipped and began falling into a precipice.
"Are you hurt?" asked another.
"I don't know yet," a weak voice was heard, "am still falling!"

November 12, 2009

On returning from battle in the Falkland Islands, 3 soldiers are asked to report to their commander. The commander states that because of services rendered the army will pay each soldier a sum of £100  per inch on their bodies, from one point to another of their choice.

 The commander asks the first soldier, a special forces commando, how he can measure him up. "I'll have the top of my head, to the tips of my toes, sahr!" replies the man of war. "Excellent," says the commander, that's "70 inches, so here's £7000."

Secondly a marine states that he will have the tip of one arm outstretched measured to the other outstretched. "Excellent," replies the commander after measuring the marine, "75 inches, so that's £7500."

Thirdly he asks the explosives expert. "I'll have measured the tip of my dick to he end of my balls sahr!" The commander is a little taken aback by this but agrees, and after several seconds down in the private's privates he snaps back up saying "Where in Christ are your balls soldier?!" The soldier smiles at him and says "Falkland Islands sahr!"

November 11, 2009

In honour of Remembrance Day / Veteran's Day, no joke today. Instead I give you "In Flanders Field"  by Dr. John McCrae

In Flanders fields the poppies blow 
Between the crosses, row on row, 
That mark our place; and in the sky 
The larks, still bravely singing, fly 
Scarce heard amid the guns below. 

We are the Dead. Short days ago 
We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow, 
Loved and were loved, and now we lie, 
In Flanders fields. 

Take up our quarrel with the foe: 
To you from failing hands we throw 
The torch; be yours to hold it high. 
If ye break faith with us who die 
We shall not sleep, though poppies grow 
In Flanders fields. 

Dr. John McCrae (1872-1918)
 

November 10, 2009

Two drunks are standing at a whorehouse door. The first drunk says, "I heard half these broads have the clap and that none of them would think twice about stealing every penny we've got." The second drunk says, "Not so loud, or they won't let us in."

The mortician calls Mrs. Banley, and says, "Excuse me Mrs. Banley, but I can't seem to close the lid to your husband's coffin because he has a huge erection." To which she replies, "Why don't you cut it off and stick it up his ass? That's the only hole in town it hasn't been in."

A guy goes into a bar and says to the bartender, "Man, I'm dying to have sex in the worst way. So the bartender says, "Well, the worst way I know of is standing up in a hammock."

I've never gone to bed with an ugly woman, but I've woken up with a few.

November 9, 2009

Christmas was finally over and the Pastor's wife dropped into an easy chair saying, "Boy! Am I ever tried."

Her husband looked over at her and said, "I had to conduct two special services last night, three today, and give a total of five sermons. Why are you so tired?"

"Dear," she replied, "I had to listen to all of them."

November 8, 2009

Oil Change Instructions

An oil change can be easy and simple or as complicated as you are willing to make it!

Oil change oil change instructions for women:

1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Money spent:
Oil Change $20.00
Coffee $1.00
Total $21.00

Oil change instructions for men:

1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, and cleaner and a scented tree, write A check for $50.00.
2) Stop by 7-11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, Drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16-box end wrench
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trashcan to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener.
18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard instead of taking it back to Kragen to recycle.
19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20) Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.
21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug.
27) Drink beer.
28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily dirt into hole. Steal sand from kid’s sandbox to cleverly cover oily Patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawnmower gas.
29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
30) Drink beer.
31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
33) Begin cussing fit
34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.
36) Beer.
37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
38) Beer.
39) Beer.
40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
41) Beer.
42) Lower car from jack stands.
43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.
44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps 23 - 43.
45) Beer.
46) Test drive car.
47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
48) Car gets impounded.
49) Call loving wife, make bail.
50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

Money spent:
Parts $50.00
DUI $2500.00
Impound fee $75.00
Bail $300.00
Beer $40.00
Total - - $2,965.00

But you know the job was done right!!!!

November 7, 2009

Larene inherited a stray cat this week, so in honour of that event, a kitty joke......and for once it's not a pussy joke

George Bush is taking a stroll around Capitol Hill with Donald Rumsfeld when he meets a little girl carrying a small basket with a blanket over it.

Curious, Bush says to the girl, "What's in the basket?".
She replies, "New baby kittens" and opens the basket to show him.
"How nice" says Bush. "What kind are they?"
The little girl says, "Republicans."
Bush smiles, pats the little girl on the head and they continue on.
About three weeks later, Bush and Dick Cheney are strolling around Capitol Hill when he sees the little girl again with the same basket.
Bush says to Cheney:  "Watch this, it's very cute" and they approach the little girl.
Bush says to the girl, "So how are those cute kittens?"
She says "Oh, they're doing fine."
He then says, "Now what kind of kittens did you say they are?"
The little girl says, "Democrats."
Somewhat abashed, Bush says, "Three weeks ago you said they were Republicans!"
"I know," she says. "But now their eyes are open."

Submitted by Stolen from Sharon via facebook

A bear, a lion, and a pig are talking and having a pissing contest over which of them is the toughest and the meanest of animals.

Bear: When I growl in the forest, all the animals quake with fear

Lion: When I roar in the jungle, animals for miles around run in terror for their lives.

Pig: That's nothing! I only need to sneeze once and the entire world gets vaccinated!

November 5, 2009

After thirty-five years of marriage, Bernie is lying on his deathbed and with a tear in his eye he says

 "Annabel before I die I have to tell you something". She replies "Yes, yes dear anything what is it?"

He starts, "The first year we were together, I caught pneumonia and almost died. You sat by my bed and nursed me back to health."

To which the wife nods her head and he continues, "When I lost half my family in the terrible car crash, it was you by my side who kept me going. When our kids grew up and ran away from home, you sat with me and comforted me! And when I lost everything last year in the fire at the store, you were right by my side the whole time. Annabel You've been through everything with me."

Bernie says, "So before I die I just want you to know you're a f*cking jinx!"

November 4, 2009

A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells size extra large condoms. He replies, "Yes we do. Would you like to buy some?" She responds, "No sir, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?"

Paul was ambling through a crowded street fair when he decided to stop and sit at a Palm Reader's table. Said the mysterious old woman, "For fifteen dollars, I can read your love line and tell your romantic future."

Paul readily agreed and the reader took one look at his open palm and said, "I can see that you have no girlfriend."
"That's true," said Paul.
"Oh my goodness, you are extremely lonely, aren't you?"
"Yes," Paul shamefully admitted. "That's amazing. Can you tell all of this from my love line?"

"Love line? No, from the calluses and blisters."

November 3, 2009

An allegedly real-life customer complaint letter sent to the NTL complaints dept..

Dear Cretins

I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone.

During this three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity of monolithic proportions.

Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you can either pursue your professional prerogative, and seek to rectify these difficulties - or more likely (I suspect) so that you can have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office:

My initial installation was cancelled without warning or notice, resulting in my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your technician to arrive.

When he did not arrive at all, I spent a further 57 minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful website.... how?

I alleviated the boredom to some small degree by playing with my testicles for a few minutes - an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly adept.

The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later, although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools - such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum.

Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived. After several further telephone calls (actually 15 telephone calls over 4 weeks) my modem arrived...

A total of six weeks after I had requested it, and begun to pay for it.

I estimate that the downtime of your internet servers is roughly 35%... these are usually the hours between about 6pm and midnight, Monday to Friday, and most of the useful periods over the weekend.

I am still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made 9 telephone calls on my mobile to your no-help line this week, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a variety of disinterested individuals, who are it seems also highly skilled bollock jugglers.

I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone will call me back); that no telephone line is available (and someone will call me back); that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut off); that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been redirected to an answer machine informing me that your office is closed); that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been redirected to the irritating Scottish robot woman...and several other variations on this theme.

Doubtless you are no-longer reading this letter, as you have at least a thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of those crucially important testicle-moments to attend to. Frankly I don't care, it's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustrations in print than to shout them at your unending hold music.

Forgive me, therefore, if I continue.

I thought BT were crap, that they had attained the holy piss-pot of god-awful customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be more disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't anyone else is there? How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower of bastards you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum - incompetents of the highest order. British Telecom - wankers though they are - shine like brilliant beacons of success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly limitless inadequacy.

Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you do likewise, and cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for the services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to deliver - any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief - although these feelings will quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps a small measure of bemused rage.

I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cats litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not become desiccated during transit - they were satisfyingly moist at the time of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and it's worthless employees.

Have a nice day - may it be the last in you miserable short life, you irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twats.



November 2, 2009

OK, I think that does it. I reset all the clocks for the end of Daylight Saving Time.

I got 'em all -- clocks, watches, microwave, computers, VCR. I even moved my bathroom scales back an ounce.

November 1, 2009

Q. What do you find in a clean nose?
A. Fingerprints!

Q. Did you hear about the blind circumcicionist?
A. He got the sack.

Q. Did you hear about the gay guy that's on the patch?
A. He's down to four butts a day.

Q. Did you hear about the kid napping?
A. Yeah, he woke up

Q. How can you tell she's a macho women?
A. She rolls her own tampons.

Q. Why did god give men penises?
A. So they'd always have at least one way to shut a woman up!

Q. Did you hear about the Easter egg hunt for the Alzheimer's patients?
A. They hid their own eggs!

Q. What's the hottest thing in the world?
A. Two rats fucking in a wool sock.

Q. What do your parents' car and testicles have in common?
A. Hit either one of them and you're grounded.

Q. What do you get when you cross a brassiere with Texas?
A. Playtex.

Q. A brunette, a blonde and a redhead are all in fifth grade. Who has the biggest tits?
A. The blonde, because she's 18.