November, 2008 (November is over!)

Yeah, everyone knows I hate November, but will December be any better?

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November 30, 2008

BOOBS AND WILLIES
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?"

The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman's boobs are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s to 40s , they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions".

"Onions?"
"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."

This infuriated his wife and daughter, so the daughter said, "Mom, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?"

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree,
mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree".

"A Christmas tree?"
"Yes --- dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration."

November 29, 2008

A new supermarket opened in Topeka , Kansas .

It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh.
Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.
When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh mown hay.
In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions.
When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.
The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread & cookies.

I don't buy toilet paper there any more.


November 28, 2008

Judge Judy to prostitute,    'So when did you realize you were raped?'
Prostitute, wiping away tears:   'When the check bounced.'

November 27, 2008
 
Just think...if the  Indians had given the Pilgrim Fathers
a donkey  instead of a turkey we would all be having a
piece of ass for  Thanksgiving
 
   

November 26, 2008

The Indian With One Testicle

There once was an Indian who had only one testicle and whose given name was 'Onestone'. He hated that
name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,' If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!'

The word got around and nobody called him that any more.


Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.' He
jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and
all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do. Years went by and no
one dared call him by his given name until A woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being
away. Yellow Bird , who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him
and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'

Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all
night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, butYellow Bird wouldn't die!
Why ???

OH, come on... take a guess !!!
Think about it !!!


You're going to love this !!!



Everyone knows...



You can't kill Two Birds with OneStone!!!

November 25, 2008

Two nuns run out of gas. They look in the trunk, and the only thing they can find to put gas in is an old pee pot. They get it filled, and one of them is standing there pouring it into the tank when a carload of hippies goes by.
One of the hippies sticks his head out the window and says, "Now that's what I call faith, Sister."

November 24, 2008

Thanksgiving Divorce

A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Thanksgiving
and says, 'I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your
mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.

'Pop, what are you talking about?' the son screams. We can't stand the
sight of each other any longer,' the father says. 'We're sick of each
other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in
Chicago and tell her.'

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. 'Like
heck they're getting divorced,' she shouts, 'I'll take care of this,'

She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father , 'You are
NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm
calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then,
don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?' and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. 'Okay,' he says,
'they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way'

November 23, 2008

COP vs. LITTLE GIRL

 
A cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street, when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him.
'Nice bike,' the cop said. 'Did Santa bring it to you?'

'Yes Sir,' the little girl said, 'he sure did!'
The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation.
The cop said, 'Next year, tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it!'
The young girl looked up at the cop and said,

'Nice horse you've got there Sir. Did Santa bring it to you?'
Playing along with the girl, he chuckled and answered,

'Yes, he sure did!'
The little girl looked up at the cop and said,

 

'Next year tell Santa... the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top.'

 

November 22, 2008

Submitted by Jen

Grandma's Boyfriend

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day.
Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, 'Grandma, how come you
don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?'

Grandma replied, 'Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend.'

Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible.
She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of
the TV hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma's minister.

The minister said, 'Hello son, is your Grandma home?'
The little boy replied, 'Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her  boyfriend.'

The minister fainted.

November 21, 2008

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advise in reviving her husband's libido.

'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor.

'Not a chance', she said. 'He won't even take an aspirin.'

'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an 'Irish Viagra' It's when you drop the Viagra tablet
into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went.'

It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress. The poor
dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!'
'Really? What happened?' asked the doctor.

'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped
straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm,
he sent me cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there
passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!'

'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, 'Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?'

'Twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure asI'm sittin here, I'll never be able to show me face in
Starbucks again!'

Joke of the Day will be taking a temporary break while we sort out the current issues, one way or another. Frankly, I am not feeling very jocular at the moment.

For my loyal jokesters, don't stop submitting them, because I will continue to build up a bank of funnies for our return. See you soon!

 

November 13, 2008

A pickle walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey, you're a pickle! What are you doing in here?"
    The pickle says, "Well for starters, I'm celebrating the fact that I can walk."

November 12, 2008

Farmer Brown had been screwing one of his pigs for 5 years, when all of a sudden he was hit by pangs of conscience.
It bothered him so much that he decided that he just had to tell his priest about it in confession.

The priest was shocked and could only say to Farmer Brown, "Well, was the pig a male or a female?"
"A female, of course," shouted Farmer Brown!. "What do you think I am...some sort of queer?"

November 11, 2008

Submitted by Irene

One of the workers at the brewery falls into a vat of beer and drowns.
     At the funeral, his wife is crying, "Oh, Stash, Stash, you never had a chance."
     His foreman says, "What do you mean, 'Never had a chance?' He got out twice to take a leak."

November 10, 2008

Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar.
His first friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine."
His second friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine."

Paddy says: "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse." Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief.
"No, I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed."

November 9, 2008

Did I ever mention that my great grandfather survived the sinking of the Titanic?
     Yeah, he was in his room f*cking an inflatable doll...

November 8, 2008

This couple just got married and was spending their honeymoon at a secluded campgrounds next to a small lake. Every day the new bridegroom was seen in a boat on the lake fishing.

Two old timers who was always setting on the dock thought it kinda funny that the groom was spending all his time on the lake. Well, their curiosity got the best of them and they confronted him when he came in for lunch. The first old man said, " Son when I first got married me and my wife spent every day of our honeymoon in bed... well you know!"

The new groom said, "well, normally that's what I would do, But she...well, she's got gonorrhea." The second old man said, " well son haven't you ever heard about oral sex? everybody's doing it these days." The groom says, "yes I have heard about that, but she also has pyorrhea."

The first old man looks at the second old man, and they both nod to each other and offered this advice. "Sonny, in times like this you just might want to roll her over."

The groom says " I know all about that too, but she's got diarrhea." The two old men look at each other and at the same time they say, "Daggone Sonny...gonorrhea, pyorrhea, diarrhea, what the hell did ya marry her for?!"

He said "Well she's also got worms,... And I dooo looove to Fish!!

 

November 7, 2008

Submitted by Irene

A very rich and very pompous old lady goes to see her doctor.
     She says, "Doctor, I am one of the world's richest women, and have never experienced being pregnant. I'd like you to perform some kind of operation so I may feel quite what it's like to be pregnant."
     The doctor says, "Okay, Ma'am, step into the examination room, I'll see what I can do."
     She goes into the back room, and the doctor works on her for a while. When he's done, she pats him on the head and leaves the office. The next day, she calls the doctor.
     She says, "Doctor, I don't feel pregnant."
     He says, "You will in a few days. I stitched your asshole shut."

November 6, 2008

Submitted by Jackie via text message

Editor's note: This should have been posted on November 4, but unfortunately it was received too late

Just a reminder to everyone to shave their genital area, because today is the last day for Bush!

November 5, 2008

Boss asks secretary "Do you know what the difference is between a Caesar Salad and a blowjob?"
"No", says the secretary.
"Great, Let's do lunch." the boss says.

November 4, 2008

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. He takes his first sip and sets it down. While he is looking around the bar, a monkey swings down and steals the pint of beer from him before he is able to stop the monkey.

The man asks the barman who owns the monkey. The barman replies the piano player. The man walks over to the piano player and says "Do you know your monkey stole my beer." The pianist replies "No, but if you hum it, I'll play it."

November 3, 2008

One day in class the teacher brought a bag full of fruit. "Now class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe a piece of fruit, and you tell what fruit I'm talking about. Okay, first: it's round, plumb and red."

Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher, wisely ignored him and picked Deborah, who promptly answered "An apple." The teacher replied, "No Deborah, it's a beet, but I like your thinking." Now for the second. It's soft, fuzzy, and colored red and brownish."

Well, Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the teacher to call on him. But she skips him again and calls on Billy. "Is it a peach?" Billy asks. "No, Billy, I'm afraid it's a potato. But I like your thinking," the teacher replies. Here's another: it's long, yellow, and fairly hard."

By now Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand frantically. The teacher skips him again and calls on Sally. "A banana," she says. "No," the teacher replies, "it's a squash, but I like your thinking."

Johnny is kind of irritated now, so he speaks up loudly. "Hey, I've got one for you teacher; let me put my hand in my pocket. Okay, I've got it: it's round, hard, and it got a head on it." "Johnny!" she cries. "That's disgusting!" "Nope," answers Johnny, "it's a quarter, but I like your thinking!"

November 2, 2008

A highway patrolman pulled up alongside a speeding car on the freeway. As the officer peered through the driver's window, he was astounded to find that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting. The trooper cranked down his window and yelled to the driver, "Pull over!" at the top of his lungs. "No!" the blonde yelled back, "Scarf!"

November 1, 2008

It got crowded in heaven, so, for one day it was decided only to accept people who had really had a bad day on the day they died. St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died."

The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, and I died."

St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in.

He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!"

St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job.

"Tell me about the day you died?", he said to the third man in line.

"OK, picture this, I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator...."