Well, the end of (finally) winter weather brings new life, new beginnings. Warmer weather brings new hopes.
Flowers bloom, sunshine feels hot on your face. You know, all that poetic stuff..
Hope all of you had a good one!
May 31, 2009
John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate and this only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. "You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Julie said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote:
"Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."
Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom"
May 30, 2009
Once there were twin brothers
by the name of Jones. John Jones was married, and Joe Jones was single. The
single brother Joe was the proud owner of a dilapidated row boat. It happened
that John Jones's wife died the same day that Joe's rowboat filled with water
May 29, 2009
One golfer tells another: "Hey, guess what! I got a set of golf clubs for my wife!" the other replies, "GREAT trade!"
Important Press Release: The manufacturers of KY Jelly have announced that their product is now fully Year 2000 compliant. In the light of this they have now renamed it as: 'Y2KY Jelly'. Said a spokesman: "The main benefit of this revision to our product, is that you can now insert four digits into your date instead of two"
Now to offend the Monarchy and the British in general
The Queen was showing the Archbishop of Canterbury around the royal stable, when one of the stallions close by farted so loudly it couldn't be ignored. "Oh dear," said the Queen, "How embarrassing. I'm frightfully sorry about that." "It's quite understandable," said the Archbishop, and after a moment, added, "as a matter of fact I thought it was the horse."
May 28, 2009
A man was driving down a quiet country lane when out into the road strayed a rooster. Whack! The rooster disappeared under the car in a cloud of feathers. Shaken, the man pulled over at the farmhouse and rang the doorbell. A farmer appeared. The man somewhat nervously said, "I think I killed your rooster, please allow me to replace him." "Suit yourself," the farmer replied, "the hens are round the back."
A guy went out hunting. He had all the gear, the jacket, the boots and the double-barreled shotgun. As he was climbing over a fence, he dropped the gun and it went off, right on his penis. Obviously, he had to see a doctor. When he woke up from surgery, he found that the doctor had done a marvelous job repairing it. As he got ready to go home, the doctor gave him a business card. "This is my brothers card. I'll make an appointment for you to see him." The guy says "Is your brother a doctor?" "No," Doc replies, "he plays the flute. He'll show you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye."
May 27, 2009
May 26, 2009
A man was driving across the Golden Gate Bridge when he was pulled over by an officer. The officer comes up to the man’s window and says, “Excuse me, sir, but do you know how fast you were going?” The man replies, “Obviously over 55.”
The officer was checking out the man and his car when he says, “What the hell is a bum looking guy like you doing driving a fancy, expensive car like this? What do you do for a living anyway?”
The man replies, “I am an asshole stretcher.”
The cop says, “An asshole stretcher?! What the hell is that?”
The man begins to explain. “Well people call me up wanting their assholes stretched so I go over to their house. First I have them lay on the floor and then I insert one finger into the asshole then another and another eventually I work my fist in and then the other fist until they are both in and I begin stretching until I get to about 6 feet.”
The officer then looking disgusted says, “What the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?”
The man replies, “Give them a badge and let them write tickets on the bridge.”
May 25, 2009
There was a guy riding through the desert on his camel. He had been traveling so long that he felt the need to have sex. Obviously there were no women in the desert so the man turned to his camel. He tried to position himself to have sex with his camel but the camel ran away. The man ran to catch up to the camel and got back on and started to ride again. Soon he was feeling the urge to have sex again so once again he turned to his camel. The camel refused by running away. So he caught up to it again and go on it again.
Finally after riding the camel through the whole desert the man came to a road. There was a broken down car with three big chested beautiful blondes sitting in it. He went up to them and asked the women if they needed any help. The hottest girl said ,"If you fix our car we will do anything you want." The man luckily knew a thing or two about cars and fixed it in a flash. When he finished are three girls asked, "How could we ever repay you Mr." After thinking for a short while he replied, "Could you hold my camel?"
May 24, 2009
Chinese year of the Chicken -
Bird Flu Pandemic
devastates parts of Asia
May 23, 2009
A guy calls the hospital. He says, "You gotta send help! My wife's going into labor!" The nurse says, "Calm down. Is this her first child?" He says, "No! This is her f*cking husband!"
The pretty co-ed nervously asked the doctor
to perform an unusual operation: the removal of a large chunk of green wax from
her navel. Looking up from the ticklish task, the physician asked, "How did this
May 22, 2009
I was confused when I heard the word
'service' used with these agencies.
May 21, 2009
A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier.
He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink. They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore.
The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female "lets swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him.
"Look", she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."
May 20, 2009
Let's alienate "Little People" today
A little dwarf lady goes into her doctor's office complaining of an irritated crotch. After an examination, the doctor sighs, "I don't seem to see any problem. Does it get better or worse at any time?"
"Yeah, it's really bad
whenever it rains," she replies. "Well, then," says the Doc, "Next time it
rains, get in here at once, and we'll take another look at it."
May 19, 2009
Looking over recent jokes I see it's been quite a while since I offended gays. So, time to remedy that little problem.
There were 3 gay men and their partners all died at around the same time. On their way to the morgue, the guy who worked there asked them where they want to spread their partners ashes. The first gay guy says, "I want to spread his ashes over the ocean because he loved to swim!" The second gay guy says, "I want to spread his ashes on a mountain because he loved to climb." And then the third gay guy says, "I want to spread him all over my chili, and the guy who worked at the morgue asked, "WHY?" and he said," So he can tear my ass up one more time."
Two homosexual guys were walking down the road when one looked at the other and said "You see that guy across the road?" "Wow, he's cute!!!" the other said. "Well, I had sex with that guy a couple of years back." "No shit???" the other asked. "Not much..." replied the first.
May 18, 2009
There was an exhibitionist who was taking a trip on an airplane. At the top of the stairs there was a stewardess who was collecting tickets. So when the man got to the top of the stairs, he opened his coat and exposed himself. The stewardess said, "I'm sorry sir. You have to show your ticket here, not your stub."
A man got a job in the sales promotion department of a cola soft-drink company. When he asked about his duties, the manager explained. "Oh! It's an easy job! All you have to is call on ten women buyers every day, and knock Seven-Up!"
May 17, 2009
Two married buddies are out drinking one night
when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do.
Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off
before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I
take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get
undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells
at me for staying out so late!"
May 16, 2009
A married couple have been
stranded on a deserted island for many years. One day another man washes up on
shore. He and the wife become attracted to each other right away, but realize
they must be creative if they are to engage in any hanky-panky. The husband,
however, is very glad to see the second man there. "Now we will be able to have
three people doing eight hour shifts in the watchtower, rather than two people
doing 12-hour shifts."
May 15, 2009
Even though you don't want to be credited, thanks again Nizzy!
A physician claimed that the following are
actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was
1. "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going
where no man has ever gone before!"
13. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?"
May 14, 2009
OK, so far we have offended religions, nationalities, homosexuals, different races, women (repeatedly) and anyone who has a weak stomach or actual morals. Now it's time to take a shot at the military....
A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, 'Please, may I hide under your skirt? I'll explain later.'
The nun agreed. A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, Sister, have you seen a soldier?' The nun replied, 'He went that way.'
After the 2 MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, 'I can't thank you enough Sister. You see, I don't want to go to Iraq ...' The nun said, 'I understand completely.' The soldier added, 'I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!'
The nun replied, 'If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls....I don't want to go to Iraq either.'
May 13, 2009
Marriage is a three-ring circus:
Why were hurricanes usually named after
90% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they
leave the house.
First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel"
May 12, 2009
Submitted by Larene
WHY YOU NEVER QUESTION A DRUNK
I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:
A half-gallon of 2% milk
A carton of eggs
A quart of orange juice
A head of lettuce
A 2 lb. can of coffee
A 1 lb. package of bacon
As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the
While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, 'You must be single.'
I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I was indeed single. I looked at the six
items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of me, I said: 'Well, you know what, you're absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?'
The drunk replied, ''Cause you're ugly.
(I don't care who you are, that's funny right there!)
May 11, 2009
A couple were indulged in sexual intercourse and
the man noticed that with each movement of his pelvis, his partner's toes would
So this older guy goes to the doctor asking
for a prescription for 'Viagra'. The guy asks for a large dose of the
*strongest* variety. The doctor asks why he needs so much. The guy says that two
young nymphomaniacs are spending a week at his place. The doctor fills the
May 10, 2009
Once upon a time in a land far
away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as
she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a
verdant meadow near her castle.
" I don't f*cking think so."
May 9, 2009
One day God and Adam were walking the garden. God told Adam that it was time to populate the Earth. "Adam, you can start by kissing Eve."
Adam looks puzzled at God, "Lord, what is a kiss?". God explained, and then Adam took Eve behind the bush and kissed her. A little while later, Adam returned with a big smile and said, "Lord! That was great! What's next?" "Adam, I now want you to caress Eve." Puzzled again he asks, "Lord, what is caress?" God explained, and then Adam took Eve behind the bush and caressed her.
A little while later, Adam returned with a big smile and said, "Lord that was even better than a kiss! What's next?" "Here is what gets the deed done. I now want you to make love to Eve." Puzzled yet again, "Lord, what is make love?" asked Adam. God explained, and then Adam took Eve behind the bush.
A few seconds later, Adam returned and asked, "Lord, what is a headache?"
May 8, 2009
An 80-year old man was having
his annual check-up and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. "I've never
been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant
and having my child! What do you think about that?"
May 7, 2009
Cinderella wanted to go to the ball one night, but
she didn't have any tampons to use and she was on the rag. Her Fairy Godmother
came to the rescue and turned a pumpkin next to Cinderella's house into a
tampon. The Godmother says, "Now use the tampon, but be sure to get back home
before midnight or it will turn back into a pumpkin, and that wouldn't be good."
Cinderella agrees and leaves the house.
May 6, 2009
The doctor said, "Joe, the good
news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require
castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press
on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to
relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
May 5, 2009
A young teenager comes home from school and asks her mother, "Is it true what Rita just told me? That babies come out of the same place where boys put their thingies?" "Yes, dear," replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and she wouldn't have to explain it. "But then when I have a baby, won't it knock my teeth out?
A guy starts talking to two women in a bar, they turn out to be Siamese twins, and they wind up back at his apartment. He makes love to one, and then starts to work on the other. He realizes that the first one might get bored watching, so he her asks what she'd like to do. She says, "Is that a trombone in the corner? I'd love to play your trombone." So she plays it while he screws her sister. A few weeks later, the girls are walking past the guy's apartment building. One of the girls says, "Let's stop up and see that guy." The other girl says, "Gee...do you think he'd remember us?"
May 4, 2009
A variation on an old standard
Grandpa & the IRS
May 3, 2009
Read this one carefully or you'll miss it like I did the first time
A man and a woman had been married some time when the woman began to question her husband. "I know you've been with a lot of woman before. How many were there?" The husband replied, "Look, I don't want to upset you, there were many. Let's just leave it alone." The wife continued to beg and plead. Finally, the husband gave in. "Let's see." he said "There was one, two, three, four, five, six, you, eight, nine..."
May 2, 2009
The Madam opened the brothel
door to see a frail, elderly gentleman.. "Can I help you?" the madam asked. "I
want Natalie," the old man replied. "Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive
ladies, perhaps someone else..." "No, I must see Natalie."
May 1, 2009
While in the playground with his friend, Little
Johnny noticed that Jimmy was wearing a brand new, shiny watch. "Did you get
that for your birthday?" asked Little Johnny. "Nope." replied Jimmy. "Well, did
you get it for Christmas then?". Again Jimmy says "Nope." "You didn't steal it,
did you?" asks Little Johnny. "No," said Jimmy. "I went into Mom and Dad's
bedroom the other night when they were 'doing the nasty'. Dad gave me his watch
to get rid of me.