Submitted by Mark..............sort of. Offending recently deceased celebrities.

The initial autopsy reports are in for Michael Jackson, apparently he died from food poisoning from eating a 12 year old wiener.

Due to the fact that Michael Jackson is 99 percent plastic, he will be melted down into lego blocks so little kids can play with him for a change.

Michael Jackson hasn't been this stiff since he attended a boy scout camping trip in '99

Before he died, Michael Jackson was actually trying to quit Cub Scouts... he was down to a pack a day

June 29, 2009

For Mark, who had his very first flat tire yesterday

A project manager, a computer programmer and a computer operator are driving down the road when the car they are in gets a flat tire. The three men try to solve the problem.
The project manager said: "Let's catch a cab and in ten minutes we'll reach our destination."
The computer programmer said: "We have here the driver's guide. I can easily replace the flat tire and continue our drive."
The computer operator said: "First of all, let's turn off the engine and turn it on again. Maybe it will fix the problem."
Suddenly a Microsoft software engineer passed by and said: "Try to close all windows, get off the car, and then get in and try again."

The limousine was taking the beautiful raven-haired model to the airport.
Halfway there, the front tire went flat. The model said, "Driver, I don't have time to wait for road service. Can you change it yourself?"
The driver said, "Sure." He got out of the car and proceeded to change the tire, but couldn't get the wheel cover off. The model saw him struggling and asked, "Do you want a screwdriver?"
He said "Sure! But, first I have to change this tire."

June 28, 2009

These two hunters went moose hunting every year without success.
Finally they came up with a foolproof plan. (emphasis on fool)

They got themselves a very authentic cow moose costume and learned the
mating call of a cow moose. The plan was to hide in the costume, lure in the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull.

So, they set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, in their costume, and began to give the moose love call. Before too long their call was answered by bull in the forest.

They called again, the bull answered closer to them. They called again, The bull answered, and came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing. As the bulls' pounding hoof beats got closer the guy in front said, "OK, lets get out and get him"!

After a moment, that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouts -
"THE ZIPPER IS STUCK, WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO!?!"

The front guy says, "Well, I'm gonna start nibbling grass,
but you better start to "brace yourself!"

June 27, 2009

A boy went to his grandfather's house for a week. On the first night at dinner he found a thick, slimy goo on his plate, so he said to his grandfather "Grandpa is this plate clean?"

"As clean as cold water can get them." his grandfather answered. This went on for the rest of the week. On the last day when the boy was leaving the dog wouldn't let him through. So he said "Grandpa your dog won't let me through." His grandfather replied "Cold Water go lie down"

June 26, 2009

A husband and wife want to take golf lessons from a pro at a local country club. The man and woman meet the pro and head onto the driving range. The man goes up to hit first. He swings and hits the ball 100 yards. The golf pro says not bad.

Golf Pro: "Now hold the club as firm as you hold your wife's breasts". The man follows instructions and hits the ball 300 yards. The golf pro says "Excellent!"

Now the woman takes her turn. Her ball goes 30 yards. Golf Pro: "Not bad, try holding the club like you hold your husbands dick." She swings and the ball goes 10 yards. Golf Pro: "Not bad, but now try taking the club out of your mouth and hit the ball."

June 25, 2009

In honour of St Jean Baptiste Day (yesterday), La Fête Nationale du Québec

Top 10 Reasons to Live in Québec:

1. Everybody assumes you’re an asshole
2. Racism is socially acceptable
3. The only province to ever kidnap federal politicians
4. You can take bets with your friends on which English neighbor will move out next
5. Other provinces basically bribe you to stay in Canada
6. The FLQ
7. Your hockey team is made up entirely of dirty French guys
8. The province with the oldest, nastiest hookers
9. NON-smokers are the outcasts
10. You can blame all your problems on the ‘’Anglo bastards’’

June 24, 2009

Something appropriate for me?

Little Billy was squirming around in the back of the class. When his teacher asked him what was wrong. Billy whispered that he had poison ivy on his privates and was real itchy.

The teacher sent him to phone his mom and when he came back to class, he sat back down

All of a sudden, Billy's class mates were giggling and laughing, and when the teacher went to see why, she saw Billy standing there with his wee wee hanging out! "What are you doing?" She gasped. "Didn't you call your mom?" "I did, replied Billy

She said she'd pick me up from school if I could stick it out till noon"

June 23, 2009

A woman in her 30's was taking her mother, who was in her 50's to the gynecologist. After dropping her mother off, she and her daughter ran a few errands, then returned to the doctor. While the older woman had her feet in the stirrups, the doctor remarked, "Don't we look pretty today", as he performed his examination. The lady was quite shocked, but said nothing.

When her daughter picked her up, she was quite upset. The Following conversation ensued:
Mother: Do you know what that doctor said to me? He said, "Don't we look pretty today", while he was looking between my legs! Do you think that was appropriate?

Daughter: No! Are you sure he wasn't referring to your hairstyle or something?
Mother: Well, it still wasn't appropriate or professional. I wonder if it could be considered sexual harassment. What do you think?

Daughter: I don't know. We're you embarrassed?
Mother: I was very embarrassed. I used some of your FDS this morning, and he may have smelled that, but I still don't think he should have commented!

Daughter: I don't have any FDS.
Mother: Why, sure you do! In the blue can that was on back of the toilet. I used some before the appointment...

Granddaughter: That's my Barbie Golden Glitter Hair Spray!

June 22, 2009

A husband and wife go visit a marriage counselor. First, the wife speaks to the counselor alone. The counselor asks, "You say you've been married 20 years, so what seems to be the problem?" The wife replies, "It's my husband -- he's driving me crazy! I'm going to leave him if he continues!" "How does he drive you crazy?" "For 20 years," she says, "he's been doing these stupid things. First, whenever we go out, he's always looking at the floor and refuses to go near anyone. It's very embarrassing."

The marriage counselor is amused, "Anything else?" "He keeps picking his nose all the time! Even in public!" "Hmm, anything else?" probes the counselor further. The wife hesitates, "whenever we're making love, he NEVER lets me be on top! Once in a while, I'd like to be in control!"

"Ah," says the counselor, "I think I'll talk to your husband now." So the wife goes out of the room and the husband enters. The counselor tells him, "Your wife says that you've been driving her crazy. She might even leave you." The husband looks shocked, "WHAT? For 20 years I've been loving and considerate and I've always given her what she wants! What could be the problem?"

The counselor explains, "She says that you've got these habits that are driving her crazy. First, you're always acting strange in public--looking at the floor and never going near anyone else." The husband looks concerned, "Oh, you don't understand! It's one of the few things my father told me to do in his deathbed and I swore I'd obey everything he said." "What did he say?"

"He said that I should never step on anyone's toes!" The counselor looks amused, "Actually, that means that you should not do anything that would cause anyone else to get angry." The husband looks sheepish, "Oh. Okay." The counselor continues, "And you keep picking your nose in public." "Well, its another thing my father specifically commanded me to do! He told me to always keep my nose clean."

The counselor looks faint, "That means that you should not indulge in any criminal activity." "Oh," says the husband looking very stupid. "And finally, she says that you never allow her to be on top during your lovemaking."

"This," says the husband seriously, "is the last thing my father commanded me to do on his deathbed and it's the most important thing." "What did he say?" The husband replies, "In his dying breath, he said. Don't screw up."

June 21, 2009

Top 10 things you'll never hear a father say

10. Well, how 'bout that? I'm lost! Looks like we'll have to stop and ask for directions.

9. You know Pumpkin, now that you're thirteen, you'll be ready for unchaperoned car dates. Won't that be fun?

8. I noticed that all your friends have a certain hostile attitude. I like that.

7. Here's a credit card and the keys to my new car. GO CRAZY!!

6. What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating's not good enough for you, son?

5. Your Mother and I are going away for the weekend. You might want to consider throwing a party.

4. Well, I don't know what's wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey thingies--ya know--that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks.

3. No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring. Now quit your belly-aching, and let's go to the mall.

2. Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend.

1. What do I want for my birthday? Aahh -- don't worry about that. It's no big deal. (Okay, they might say it. But they don't mean it)

Offend the Christians/Catholics #2

A rabbi, a priest and a minister walk into a bar.
The bartender looks up and says, "What is this, a joke?" ___________________________________________________________________________________________________

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?" "Just water," says the priest, fingers crossed. The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?" The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

June 18, 2009

Offend the Christians/Catholics #1

Ol' Fred had been a faithful Christian and was in the hospital, near death. The family called their pastor to stand with them. As the pastor stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on. The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol' Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died. The pastor thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.

At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol' Fred died. He said, "You know, Ol' Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all."

He opened the note, and read, "Asshole, you're standing on my oxygen tube!"

June 17, 2009

An old man goes into a drugstore to buy some Viagra,

"Can I have 6 tablets, all cut into quarters?"

"I can cut them for you." Says Dan the pharmacist, "But a quarter tablet won't give you a full erection."

"Oh, I don't want an erection. I just want it sticking out far enough that I don't piss on my slippers."

June 16, 2009

Contributed by Laurie

After 20 years of having sex in the dark, the wife finds out her husband was using a dildo. She says "explain the dildo asshole." He looks at her and says "explain the kids bitch."

June 15, 2009

A gay man, finally deciding he could no longer hide his sexuality from his parents, went over to their house, and found his mother in the kitchen cooking dinner. He sat down at the kitchen table, let out a big sigh, and said, "Mom, I have something to tell you: I'm gay."

His mother made no reply or gave any response, and the guy was about to repeat it to make sure she'd heard him, when she turned away from the pot she was stirring and said calmly, "You're gay -- doesn't that mean you put other men's penises in your mouth?"

The guy said nervously, "Uh, yeah, Mom, that's right." His mother went back to stirring the pot, then suddenly whirled around, whacked him over the head with her spoon and said, "Don't you EVER complain about my cooking again!!!!!"

June 14, 2009

I saw some turtles today, so guess what?

Three turtles, Troy, Andy and Wayne, decide to go on a picnic.
Troy packs the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches. The trouble is that the picnic site is ten miles away so it takes them ten days to get there.

When they get there, Troy unpacks the food and beer.

"Ok Wayne give me the bottle opener"
"I didn't bring it" says Wayne
"I thought you packed it"

Troy gets worried, He turns to Andy, "Did you bring the bottle opener?"

Naturally Andy didn't bring it. So they're stuck ten miles from home without a bottle opener. Troy and Andy beg Wayne to go back for it. But he refuses as he says they will eat all the sandwiches. After two hours, and after they have sworn on their turtle lives that they will not eat the sandwiches, he finally agrees.

So Wayne sets off down the road at a steady pace.
20 days pass and he still isn't back and Troy and Andy are starving, but a promise is a promise.
Another 5 days and he still isn't back, but a promise is a promise.

Finally they can't take it any longer so they take out a sandwich each, and just as they are about to eat them, Wayne pops up from behind a rock and shouts, "I knew it! ... I'm not f*cking going!"

June 13, 2009

This man is walking down the road and hears someone crying. He stops and looks over the fence and sees a woman without any arms or legs crying beside a pool.

He asks "What's the problem?" she says "Well I've never been hugged before." Well this is a nice guy so he hops the fence and gives her a hug.

Half an hour later he is going back to his car and hears her crying. He asks "Now what's wrong?" she says "I've been thinking and..I've never been kissed before". Well the guy thinks what's the harm in giving her a kiss to make her feel better? He hops the fence and gives her a kiss.

At his car he finds that his keys are lost so he goes back to the girl and finds his keys there but he sees her crying again. "Now what's wrong" he asked She responds "I've never been f*cked before" The guy picks her up and throws her into the pool and says "Now you're f*cked real good."

No joke today

Reason

June 11, 2009

A handsome young lad went into the hospital for some minor surgery and the day after the procedure, a friend stopped by to see how the guy was doing. The friend was amazed at the number of Nurses who entered the room in short intervals with refreshments, offers to fluff his pillows, make the bed, give back rubs, etc. "Why all the attention ?" the friend asked. "You look fine to me."

"I know !" grinned the patient. "But the Nurses kinda formed a little fan club when they all heard that my circumcision required twenty-seven stitches."

June 10, 2009

A husband walks into the bedroom holding two aspirin and a glass of water. His wife asks, "What's that for?"

"It's for your headache."

"I don't have a headache."

He replies, "Gotcha!"

You may have heard about a new bride who was a bit embarrassed to be known as a honeymooner. So when she and her husband pulled up to the hotel, she asked him if there was any way that they could make it appear that they had been married a long time. He responded, "Sure. You carry the suitcases!"

She left him on the sofa when the phone rang, and was back in a few seconds.

"Who was it?" he asked.

"My husband," she replied.

"I better get going," he said. "Where was he?"

"Relax. He's downtown playing poker with you."

June 9, 2009

A retired gentlemen went into the social security office to apply for Social Security.

After waiting in line a long time he got to the counter. The woman behind the counter asked him for his drivers license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "Will I have to go home and come back now?" he asks. The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt."

So he opens his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me," and she processed his Social Security application. When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the Social Security office. She said, "You should have dropped your pants, you might have qualified for disability, too."

June 8, 2009

I was going to start a whole series of jokes about the disabled. I even had it all ready to save. But I decided that it's safer to just go back to sex.....

A well-stacked young advertising secretary wore tight knit dresses that showed off her figure, especially when she walked. Her young, aggressive boss motioned her into his office one afternoon and closed the door.

Pointing to her tightly covered derriere, he asked, "Is that for sale?" "Of course not!" she snapped angrily, blushing furiously.

Unchanged, he replied quietly, "Then, I suggest you quit advertising it."

A man was wandering around a fairground and he happened to see a fortune-teller's tent. Thinking it would be good for a laugh, he went inside and sat down.

"Ah....." said the woman as she gazed into her crystal ball. "I see you are the father of two children." "That's what you think," said the man scornfully. "I'm the father of THREE children."

 The woman grinned and said, "That's what YOU think!"

June 7, 2009

Who would be so tacky as to make fun of the disabled?

Three guys enter a disabled swimming contest. The first has no arms. The second no legs and the third has no body, just a head. They all line up, the whistle blows and "splash" they're all in the pool

The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly but the guy with no legs is closing fast. The head of course sank straight to the bottom.

Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first. He can still see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool, so he decides he had better dive down to rescue him.

He picks up the head, swims back up to the surface and places the head at the side of the pool, where-upon the head starts coughing and spluttering.

Eventually the head catches his breath and shouts: "Three years I've spent learning to swim with my f*cking ears, then two minutes before the whistle, some asshole puts a swimming cap on me!"

June 6, 2009

Got one or two more

Husband's Excuse

The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his collar.
"I assume," she snarled, "that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in here at six o'clock in the morning?!"

"There is," he replied. "Breakfast!"
 

June 5, 2009

And so on...

An angry wife was complaining about her husband spending all his free time in a bar, so one night he took her along with him. “What’ll you have?” he asked.

“Oh, I don’t know. The same as you I suppose,” she replied.

So, the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel’s and threw his down in one shot. His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out.

“Yuck, that’s TERRIBLE!” she spluttered. “I don’t know how you can drink this stuff!”

“Well, there you go,” cried the husband. “And you think I’m out enjoying myself every night!”

Yup, I found a few more

The ultimate in excuses for any occasion:

1. My car got towed, with me in it.
2. I was putting out a fire. The house I was building us, it’s gone. Oh lord, it’s gone.
3. Sorry I’m late. This compass sucks (throw your compass).
4. Shoe sale, you understand.
5. What? The streetlights just came on, seriously.
6. Boy, are you hard to shop for. There’ not one size 2 dress in this town, not one.
7. Sorry I’m late, I was thinking about what you said and you’re right.
8. Those Cosmo quizzes take forever.
9. Reading to the blind takes it out of you, whew, wow.
10. I have never eaten that much Chicken. Sorry I’m late.
11. I was looking at paint colors for the nursery. You still want kids don’t you?
12. We don’t live out by the zoo. What was I thinking?
13. If you have to ask where I was, I’m not going to tell you.
14. Rock, paper, scissors to see if I’m late or not.
15. Why am I late? Free blimp ride honey, free blimp ride.
16. I was studying for the bar exam at O’hoolihans.
17. I just came from dinner with my parents. Where were you? How could you do this to me? I’m going to bed.
18. I fell asleep in a bush and I think I’m still loaded.
19. Honey, have you ever heard of Emergency Jury Duty?
20. I was lined up for theatre tickets when some moron spilled beer all over me. Look at my shirt, ruined.
21. I got scared honey and I ran. I ran until I couldn’t run anymore and then I kept on running, right back here to you. Damn you’re pretty.
22. Male problems. I don’t want to talk about it.
23. I’m working nights as a Librarian. I needed the money so I wouldn’t have to give you this for your Birthday (hold up crumpled napkin and begin to cry).
24. Honey, I met someone else and I’m leaving her. She’s no good.
25. Honey, I looked everywhere for Hammocks. What do you mean this isn’t your note.
26. Sorry I’m late. You’ll find out why on your Birthday.
27. Honey, you’d better sit down for this one. I just followed your Father into a (dramatic pause) strip club.
28. A goat ate my keys.
29. I lost my map to my house.
30. When the Queen says stay for one more round, you don’t say no.
31. How can I write you love letters if we are always together.
32. Absence makes the heart grow fonder.
33. The gasket on my manifold blew and was shooting oil all over the place, but you don’t worry your pretty little head about it.
34. I never kiss and tell.
35. I was getting "Love’n" tips from a stripper to bring home to you.
36. Our golf cart broke down on the 14th hole. We had to set up camp until we were rescued.
37. Poems take a long time to write.
38. I was daydreaming of you and lost track of time.
39. I was making a sperm deposit at the fertility clinic.
40. Church went late.
41. I stayed for extra tutoring at the ‘How to love’ seminar.
42. You’re not the boss of me.
43. I forgot to set my watch back/forward
44. I couldn’t believe it wasn’t butter.
45. I had to wait for the fresh gravy.
46. Cricket Game. 150 England, 275 Whales. What else can I say?
47. I had to rescue kittens from a tree.
48. Working overtime for your birthday.
49. Time management seminar ran late.
50. Trying to find the ‘Ghost Orchid’.
51. I was caller #7.
52. Are you a cop or are you writing a book?
53. Had to drop off flowers with your mom. I love your family.
54. Can you say narcolepsy?
55. Time lost track of me.
56. Line was long leaving the bar.
57. Circus is in town.
58. I was on the last float in the parade.
59. The engagement ring store had a ‘Midnight Madness’ sale.
60. This watch you bought me is broken. Damn watch!
61. I thought you were just doing my laundry anyway?
62. This is your fault, not mine.
63. Shhh! I’m now complete with you by my side. Together we are one.
64. What is ‘Time’ anyway?
65. Unlike your father, at least I came home.
66. I was working on my appetite, but now I’m home to eat. You known what I mean.
67. I was checking out the new Bud Light packaging.
68. The Prime Minister needed a hand.
69. It takes a long time to boil beans.
70. I was gassy.
71. Honey, you won’t understand until you try it yourself.
72. I had to get that burning itch looked at.
73. That’s for me to know and you to find out (wink, wink).
74. The ring that you deserve will take two jobs to pay for.
75. What do you mean "Where was I?", Where were you!?
76. Let’s not talk about me. Let’s talk about how much I love you.
 

June 3, 2009

A companion piece to yesterday's joke. maybe I can do a whole week of "Excuses to the Wife" jokes

A man tells his wife that he's going out to buy cigarettes. When he gets to the store he finds out it's closed. So the guy ends up going to the bar to use the vending machine. While there, he has a few beers and begins talking to this beautiful girl. He has a few more beer and the next thing he knows he's in this girl's apartment and having quite a pleasurable time. The next thing he know it was 3:00 AM.

"Oh my, god, my wife is going to kill me!" he exclaimed. "Quick give me some talcum powder!"

She gets him some and he rubs it all over his hands. When he got home his wife is up waiting for him and she's furious. "Where the hell have you been!"

He says, "Well to tell you the truth, I went into a bar, had a few drinks, went home with this blonde and I slept with her." "Let me see your hands!" she demands. He shows his wife his powdery hands.

"Damn liar, you were out bowling again!"

June 2, 2009

This recovering alcoholic is down town to pick up his income tax return. He passes by a bar and turns to go inside. He stops and thinks to himself "If I go in here and get drunk, my wife will leave me". He makes a promise to himself to only have a couple beers and then leave. Well he goes in and gets wasted. As he sits at the bar, he pukes down the front of his shirt. Immediately he breaks out into tears sobbing "My wife is going to leave me. I'm just a miserable old drunk and now I'm going to die alone". The guy sitting next to him turns and says to the drunk guy "It's not that bad. You can get out of this." The drunk looks at him and asks how in the world is he going to get out of this? The guy says "Take a $5 bill and put it in your shirt pocket. When you get home, tell her you had a couple beers and a guy puked on you.

Tell her that the $5 was given to you to pay for the shirt." The drunk guy looks disbelievingly at him and says "That just might work. You are a saint. Thank you." The drunk guys goes straight home. When he walks through the front door, his wife is waiting for him and she is irate. She takes one look at him and screams "I can't believe it. You're drunk. I warned you but you just don't care. I'm moving out." The drunk says "Stop honey. Let me explain. True I did have a couple beers but I'm not drunk." She says " Look at you... you puked down the front of your shirt." He says "I didn't do this. A drunk guy next to me puked on me. He put a $5 bill in my shirt pocket to pay for the shirt. You can see for yourself" She reaches into his pocket and pulls out some money. She looks at it, then to him and says "This is a $10 bill" He looks at her and says "Oh I forgot. He shit my pants too".

June 1, 2009

A man entered a restaurant and sat at the only open table. As he sat down, he knocked the spoon off the table with his elbow. A nearby waiter reached into his shirt pocket, pulled out a clean spoon, and set it on the table. The diner was impressed. "Do all the waiters here carry spoons in their pockets?"

The waiter replied, "Yes. Ever since an Efficiency Expert visited our restaurant... He determined that 17.8% of our diners knock the spoon off the table. By carrying clean spoons with us, we save trips to the kitchen."

The diner ate his meal. As he was paying the waiter, he commented, "Forgive the intrusion, but do you know that you have a string hanging from your fly?"

The waiter replied, "Yes, we all do. Seems that the same Efficiency Expert determined that we spend to much time washing our hands after using the men's room. So, the other end of that string is tied to my penis. When I need to go, I simply pull the string, do my thing, and then return to work. Having never touched myself, there really is no need to wash my hands. Saves a lot of time."

"Wait a minute," said the diner, "how do you get your penis back in your pants?"

"Well, I don't know about the other guys, but I use the spoon."