June is one of my favourite months. I love the increasing warmth, and most of all the lengthening daylight hours. Summer is so fleeting, so short, that I want to hold on to and cherish every moment of sunshine. I feel a sadness as each summer month ends.
But wait! Wasn't this
for jokes? Screw it then, let's find some good ones for July!!
June 30, 2009
Submitted by Mark..............sort of. Offending recently deceased celebrities.
The initial autopsy reports are in for Michael Jackson, apparently he died from food poisoning from eating a 12 year old wiener.
Due to the fact that Michael Jackson is 99 percent plastic, he will be melted down into lego blocks so little kids can play with him for a change.
Michael Jackson hasn't been this stiff since he attended a boy scout camping trip in '99
Before he died, Michael Jackson was actually trying to quit Cub Scouts... he was down to a pack a day
June 29, 2009
For Mark, who had his very first flat tire yesterday
A project manager, a
computer programmer and a computer operator are driving down the road when
the car they are in gets a flat tire. The three men try to solve the
The limousine was
taking the beautiful raven-haired model to the airport.
June 28, 2009
A husband and wife want to take golf lessons from a pro at a local country club. The man and woman meet the pro and head onto the driving range. The man goes up to hit first. He swings and hits the ball 100 yards. The golf pro says not bad.
Golf Pro: "Now hold the club as firm as you hold your wife's breasts". The man follows instructions and hits the ball 300 yards. The golf pro says "Excellent!"
Now the woman takes her turn. Her ball goes 30 yards. Golf Pro: "Not bad, try holding the club like you hold your husbands dick." She swings and the ball goes 10 yards. Golf Pro: "Not bad, but now try taking the club out of your mouth and hit the ball."
June 25, 2009
In honour of St Jean Baptiste Day (yesterday), La Fête Nationale du Québec
Top 10 Reasons to Live in Québec:
1. Everybody assumes you’re an asshole
June 24, 2009
Something appropriate for me?
Little Billy was squirming around in the back of the class. When his teacher asked him what was wrong. Billy whispered that he had poison ivy on his privates and was real itchy.
The teacher sent him to phone his mom and when he came back to class, he sat back down
All of a sudden, Billy's class mates were giggling and laughing, and when the teacher went to see why, she saw Billy standing there with his wee wee hanging out! "What are you doing?" She gasped. "Didn't you call your mom?" "I did, replied Billy
She said she'd pick me up from school if I could stick it out till noon"
June 23, 2009
A woman in her 30's was taking her mother,
who was in her 50's to the gynecologist. After dropping her mother off,
she and her daughter ran a few errands, then returned to the doctor. While
the older woman had her feet in the stirrups, the doctor remarked, "Don't
we look pretty today", as he performed his examination. The lady was quite
shocked, but said nothing.
June 22, 2009
A husband and wife go
visit a marriage counselor. First, the wife speaks to the counselor alone.
The counselor asks, "You say you've been married 20 years, so what seems
to be the problem?" The wife replies, "It's my husband -- he's driving me
crazy! I'm going to leave him if he continues!" "How does he drive you
crazy?" "For 20 years," she says, "he's been doing these stupid things.
First, whenever we go out, he's always looking at the floor and refuses to
go near anyone. It's very embarrassing."
June 21, 2009
Top 10 things you'll never hear a father say
10. Well, how 'bout that? I'm lost! Looks like we'll have to stop and ask for directions.
9. You know Pumpkin, now that you're thirteen, you'll be ready for unchaperoned car dates. Won't that be fun?
8. I noticed that all your friends have a certain hostile attitude. I like that.
7. Here's a credit card and the keys to my new car. GO CRAZY!!
6. What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating's not good enough for you, son?
5. Your Mother and I are going away for the weekend. You might want to consider throwing a party.
4. Well, I don't know what's wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey thingies--ya know--that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks.
3. No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring. Now quit your belly-aching, and let's go to the mall.
2. Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend.
1. What do I want for my birthday? Aahh -- don't worry about that. It's no big deal. (Okay, they might say it. But they don't mean it)
June 20, 2009
Offend the Christians/Catholics #3
A drunk man, who smelled like beer, sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket
He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes, the man turned to the priest and asked. "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?" The priest replied, "My Son, it's caused by loose living; being with cheap, wicked women; too much alcohol; contempt for your fellow man; sleeping around with prostitutes; and lack of bathing."
The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be darned," then returned to his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.
June 19, 2009
Offend the Christians/Catholics #2
A rabbi, a priest and a minister walk
into a bar.
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?" "Just water," says the priest, fingers crossed. The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?" The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
June 18, 2009
Offend the Christians/Catholics #1
Ol' Fred had been a
faithful Christian and was in the hospital, near death. The family called
their pastor to stand with them. As the pastor stood next to the bed, Ol'
Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for
something to write on. The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of
paper, and Ol' Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then
he died. The pastor thought it best not to look at the note at that time,
so he placed it in his jacket pocket.
June 17, 2009
An old man goes into a drugstore to buy some Viagra,
"Can I have 6 tablets, all cut into quarters?"
"I can cut them for you." Says Dan the pharmacist, "But a quarter tablet won't give you a full erection."
"Oh, I don't want an erection. I just want it sticking out far enough that I don't piss on my slippers."
June 16, 2009
Contributed by Laurie
After 20 years of having sex in the dark, the wife finds out her husband was using a dildo. She says "explain the dildo asshole." He looks at her and says "explain the kids bitch."
June 15, 2009
A gay man,
finally deciding he could no longer hide his sexuality from his parents,
went over to their house, and found his mother in the kitchen cooking
dinner. He sat down at the kitchen table, let out a big sigh, and said,
"Mom, I have something to tell you: I'm gay."
June 14, 2009
man is walking down the road and hears someone crying. He stops and
looks over the fence and sees a woman without any arms or legs crying
beside a pool.
asks "What's the problem?" she says "Well I've never been hugged
before." Well this is a nice guy so he hops the fence and gives her a
an hour later he is going back to his car and hears her crying. He asks
"Now what's wrong?" she says "I've been thinking and..I've never been
kissed before". Well the guy thinks what's the harm in giving her a
kiss to make her feel better? He hops the fence and gives her a kiss.
At his car he finds that his keys are lost so he goes back to the girl and finds his keys there but he sees her crying again. "Now what's wrong" he asked She responds "I've never been f*cked before" The guy picks her up and throws her into the pool and says "Now you're f*cked real good."June 12, 2009
No joke today
June 11, 2009
A handsome young lad went into the
hospital for some minor surgery and the day after the procedure, a
friend stopped by to see how the guy was doing. The friend was amazed
at the number of Nurses who entered the room in short intervals with
refreshments, offers to fluff his pillows, make the bed, give back
rubs, etc. "Why all the attention ?" the friend asked. "You look fine
June 10, 2009
A husband walks into
the bedroom holding two aspirin and a glass of water. His wife asks,
"What's that for?"
You may have heard about a new bride who was a bit embarrassed to be known as a honeymooner. So when she and her husband pulled up to the hotel, she asked him if there was any way that they could make it appear that they had been married a long time. He responded, "Sure. You carry the suitcases!"
She left him
on the sofa when the phone rang, and was back in a few seconds.
June 9, 2009
A retired gentlemen went into
the social security office to apply for Social Security.
June 8, 2009
I was going to start a whole series of jokes about the disabled. I even had it all ready to save. But I decided that it's safer to just go back to sex.....
A well-stacked young advertising secretary wore tight knit dresses that showed off her figure, especially when she walked. Her young, aggressive boss motioned her into his office one afternoon and closed the door.
Pointing to her tightly covered derriere, he asked, "Is that for sale?" "Of course not!" she snapped angrily, blushing furiously.
Unchanged, he replied quietly, "Then, I suggest you quit advertising it."
A man was wandering around a fairground and he happened to see a fortune-teller's tent. Thinking it would be good for a laugh, he went inside and sat down.
"Ah....." said the woman as she gazed into her crystal ball. "I see you are the father of two children." "That's what you think," said the man scornfully. "I'm the father of THREE children."
The woman grinned and said, "That's what YOU think!"
June 7, 2009
Who would be so tacky as to make fun of the disabled?
Three guys enter a disabled
swimming contest. The first has no arms. The second no legs and the
third has no body, just a head. They all line up, the whistle blows and
"splash" they're all in the pool
June 6, 2009
Got one or two more
The angry wife met her husband at the
door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his collar.
June 5, 2009
And so on...
An angry wife was complaining about her husband spending all his free time in a bar, so one night he took her along with him. “What’ll you have?” he asked.
“Oh, I don’t know. The same as you I suppose,” she replied.
So, the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel’s and threw his down in one shot. His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out.
“Yuck, that’s TERRIBLE!” she spluttered. “I don’t know how you can drink this stuff!”
“Well, there you go,” cried the husband. “And you think I’m out enjoying myself every night!”June 4, 2009
Yup, I found a few more
The ultimate in excuses for any
June 3, 2009
A companion piece to yesterday's joke. maybe I can do a whole week of "Excuses to the Wife" jokes
A man tells his wife that he's going out to buy cigarettes. When he gets to the store he finds out it's closed. So the guy ends up going to the bar to use the vending machine. While there, he has a few beers and begins talking to this beautiful girl. He has a few more beer and the next thing he knows he's in this girl's apartment and having quite a pleasurable time. The next thing he know it was 3:00 AM.
"Oh my, god, my wife is going
to kill me!" he exclaimed. "Quick give me some talcum powder!"
June 2, 2009
This recovering alcoholic is down town to pick up his income tax return. He passes by a bar and turns to go inside. He stops and thinks to himself "If I go in here and get drunk, my wife will leave me". He makes a promise to himself to only have a couple beers and then leave. Well he goes in and gets wasted. As he sits at the bar, he pukes down the front of his shirt. Immediately he breaks out into tears sobbing "My wife is going to leave me. I'm just a miserable old drunk and now I'm going to die alone". The guy sitting next to him turns and says to the drunk guy "It's not that bad. You can get out of this." The drunk looks at him and asks how in the world is he going to get out of this? The guy says "Take a $5 bill and put it in your shirt pocket. When you get home, tell her you had a couple beers and a guy puked on you.
Tell her that the $5 was given to you to pay for the shirt." The drunk guy looks disbelievingly at him and says "That just might work. You are a saint. Thank you." The drunk guys goes straight home. When he walks through the front door, his wife is waiting for him and she is irate. She takes one look at him and screams "I can't believe it. You're drunk. I warned you but you just don't care. I'm moving out." The drunk says "Stop honey. Let me explain. True I did have a couple beers but I'm not drunk." She says " Look at you... you puked down the front of your shirt." He says "I didn't do this. A drunk guy next to me puked on me. He put a $5 bill in my shirt pocket to pay for the shirt. You can see for yourself" She reaches into his pocket and pulls out some money. She looks at it, then to him and says "This is a $10 bill" He looks at her and says "Oh I forgot. He shit my pants too".
June 1, 2009
A man entered a restaurant and sat
at the only open table. As he sat down, he knocked the spoon off the
table with his elbow. A nearby waiter reached into his shirt pocket,
pulled out a clean spoon, and set it on the table. The diner was
impressed. "Do all the waiters here carry spoons in their pockets?"