July2009Jokes

An airliner flew into a violent thunderstorm and was soon swaying and bumping around the sky.

One very nervous lady happened to be sitting next to a clergyman and turned to him. “Can't you do something?” she demanded angrily.

“I'm sorry ma'am,” the reverend said gently, “I'm in sales, not management.”

I dialed a number and got the following recording:

"I am not available right now, but
Thank you for caring enough to call.
I am making some changes in my life.
Please leave a message after the
Beep. If I do not return your call,
You are one of the changes."

My girlfriend and I had words,
But I didn't get to use mine.
~~~~~

Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.
~~~~~
The irony of life is that, by the time
You're old enough to know your way
Around, you're not going anywhere.
~~~~~

God made man before woman so as to give him time to think
Of an answer for her first question.
~~~~~

I was always taught to respect my elders,
But it keeps getting harder to find one.
~~~~~

Every morning is the dawn
of a new error.
~~~~~

Jay Leno:

"With hurricanes, tornados, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and with the threat of bird flu, swine flu, and terrorist attacks, are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?"

Two guys are hiking along at the end of a long day. Suddenly, a bear appears from atop the next crest. The hikers eye the bear, the bear eyes 'em back and starts to charge.

One hiker turns to run but notices his buddy drop his pack and start fishing out his sneakers

"What are you doing!?!?! If we don't get outta here, we'll never out run that bear!!"

His buddy responds, "I don't have to outrun that bear. I only have to outrun you."

John went to his friend's house unannounced, and he wanted to spend the night. His friend was sorry that he and his wife could not offer him a whole room, so he said, "You can sleep on the sofa in the living room, or you can sleep down the hall in the room with baby."

The next morning he went to the bathroom, and there he met a gorgeous young blond. "Hi," he said, "who are you?"

July 25, 2009

No-So-Dumb Blonde
One day a blonde was sitting on a plane next to one of those smart businessmen. He asks her if she would like to play a game. She politely declines, but the man explains the game to her anyway. He says, “It goes like this: I will ask you a question and if you get it wrong you will give me $5, and vice-versa.” She said no again, and tried to fall asleep.

The man begged and said, “I'll give you $50 for each question. Or how about $500?” At that number, the blonde agreed. The businessman explains again, “If you get my question wrong you give me $5. And when you ask the question, and I get it wrong, I will pay you $500. “Okay,” she replies.

He asks, “Who was the sixth president?” She admits she doesn't know, gives him $5.

Now it's her turn, and she says, “What has purple legs, five arms and only two yellow teeth?” The businessman doesn't know -- he uses his laptop, checks the internet, emails his friends. No one knows the answer. So he gives her $500.00.

Then, as they're landing he asks her, “What was that thing anyway?” She thinks a few minutes, hands him $5 and walks off the plane.

A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in bed. She put on her robe and went downstairs. He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appeared to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She saw him wipe a tear from his eye and take a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter dear? Why are you down here at this time of night?" she asked.

"Do you remember twenty years ago when we were dating and you were only 16?" he asked.

"Yes, I do," she replied.

"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making out?"

"Yes, I remember."

"Do you remember when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter or spend twenty years in jail?'"

"Yes, I do," she said.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "You know...I would have gotten out today."

A man took his pregnant wife to the hospital to give birth.
The doctor told them that they'd developed a new machine and asked if the couple would like to try it out.

The machine could take some of the pain of childbirth from the mother and give it to the father to ease the mother's burden.
Well, they thought that was a good idea, and decided to give it a try.

The doctor initially set the machine on 10 percent, telling the man that even 10 percent was probably more pain than he'd ever experienced. But the husband was surprised at how little pain he was feeling, and asked the doctor to raise the level.

The doctor increased it to 20 percent, and when the man still felt fine, he raised it to 50 and finally 100 percent.
After it was all over, the man stood up, and stretched a little.
Both he and his wife felt fine, and they shortly left the hospital to take the baby home.

It was then that they found the mailman dead on their doorstep.

Jane was a first time contestant on the $65,000 quiz show, where you have to answer questions to win the cash prize.

Lady luck had smiled in her favor, as Jane had a gained substantial lead over her opponents. She even managed to win the game but, unfortunately, time had run out before the show's host could ask her the big question. Needless to say, Jane agreed to return the following day. Jane was nervous and fidgety as her husband drove them home. "I've just gotta win tomorrow. I wish I knew what the answers are. You know I'm not going to sleep at all tonight. I will probably look like garbage tomorrow."

"Relax, honey," her husband, Roger, reassured her. "It will all be OK." Ten minutes after they arrived home, Roger grabbed the car keys and started heading out the door. "Where are you going?" Jane asked. "I have a little errand to run. I should be back soon" he replied. Jane waited impatiently for Roger's return. After an agonizing 3 hour absence, Roger returned, sporting a very wide and wicked grin. "Honey, I managed to get tomorrow's question and answer!"

"What is it?" she cried excitedly.

"OK. The question is: 'What are the three main parts of the male anatomy?' And the answer is 'The head, the heart, and the penis.' " Shortly after that, the couple went to sleep with Jane, now feeling confident and at ease, plummeting into a deep and restful slumber. At 3:30 in the morning, however, Jane was shaken awake by Roger, who was asking her the quiz show question. "The head, the heart, and the penis," Jane replied groggily before returning to sleep. And Roger asked her again in the morning, this time as Jane was brushing her teeth. Once again, Jane replied correctly.

So it was that Jane was once again on the set of the quiz show. Even though she knew the question and answer, she could feel the butterflies conquering her stomach and nervousness running through her veins. The cameras began running and the host, after reminding the audience of the previous days events, faced Jane and asked the big question.

"Jane, for $65,000, what are the main parts of the male anatomy? You have 10 seconds."

"Hmm, uhm, the head?" she said nervously. "Very good. Six seconds."

"Eh, uh, the heart?" "Very good! Four seconds."

"I, uhh, ooooooohh, darn! My husband drilled it into me last night and I had it on the tip of my tongue this morning..."

"That's close enough," said the game show host, "CONGRATULATIONS!!!"

"Doc," says Steve, "I want to be castrated."
"What on earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement.

"It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done" replies Steve.

"But have you thought it through properly?" asks the doctor, "It's a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no going back. It will change your life forever!"

"I'm aware of that and you're not going to change my mind -- either you book me in to be castrated or I'll simply go to another doctor."

"Well, OK.", says the doctor, "But it's against my better judgment!"

So Steve has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand. Heading towards him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way.

"Hi there," says Steve, "It looks as if you've just had the same operation as me."

"Well," said the patient, "I finally decided after 37 years of life that I would like to be circumcised."

Steve stared at him in horror and screamed, "Shit! THAT'S the word!

An Irishman, Englishman and Scotsman all wanted to go hunting so they went to Canada. The Englishman came back with a huge dead bear. Everyone asked how he caught it.

"Well,"the Englishman replied, "I followed the tracks, followed the tracks, followed the tracks, BOOM! I killed the bear!"
Later on the Scotsman returned from hunting carrying a dead Moose. Everyone asked how he managed to catch it.
"Well," replied the Scotsman, "I followed the tracks, followed the tracks, followed the tracks and BOOM! I killed the moose!"

Later on the Irishman returned from hunting, sitting in a wheelchair with two broken legs, a broken arm and scratches all over his body. Everyone asked what happened.

"Well," replied The Irishman, "I followed the tracks, followed the tracks, followed the tracks and BOOM! I got hit by a train!"

1. Don't vacuum too often— it weakens the carpet fibers. Say this with a serious face, and shudder delicately whenever anyone mentions Carpet Fresh.

2. If disturbed, dust bunnies cannot evolve into dust rhinos. Rename the area under the couch "The Galapagos Islands," and claim an ecological exemption.

3. Layers of dirty film on windows and screens provide a helpful filter against harmful and aging rays from the sun. Call it an SPF factor of 5, and leave it alone.

4. Cobwebs artfully draped over lampshades reduce the glare from the bulb, thereby creating a romantic atmosphere. If your husband points out that the light fixtures need dusting, simply look affronted and exclaim, "What? And spoil the mood?"

5. In a pinch, you can always claim that the haphazard tower of unread magazines and newspapers next to your chair provides the valuable Feng Shui aspect of a tiger, thereby reducing your vulnerability. Roll your eyes when you say this.

6. Explain away the mound of pet hair brushed up against the doorways by claiming you are collecting it there to use for stuffing hand-sewn play animals for underprivileged children.

7. If unexpected company is coming, pile everything unsightly into one room and close the door. As you show your guests through your tidy home, rattle the door knob vigorously, fake a growl and say, "I'd love you to see our Den, but Fluffy hates to be disturbed, and the shots are SO expensive."

8. If dusting is REALLY out of control, simply place a showy urn on the coffee table and insist that "THIS is where Grandma wanted us to scatter her ashes."

9. Don't bother repainting. Simply scribble lightly over a dirty wall with an assortment of crayons, and try to muster a glint of tears as you say, "Junior did this the week before that unspeakable accident. I haven't had the heart to clean it."

10. Mix one-quarter cup pine-scented household cleaner with four cups of water in a spray bottle. Mist the air lightly. Leave dampened rags in conspicuous locations. Develop an exhausted look, throw yourself onto the couch, and sigh, "I clean and I clean, and I still don't get anywhere."

Why were the Beach Boys popular in British pubs? Answer: Round, Round, Get A Round, I Get A Round

The racing-car driver picked up a girl after a race, went home with her and took her to bed.

He fell asleep afterward only to be awakened suddenly when she smacked him in the face.

"It was after you fell asleep that got you into trouble," said the angry woman. "In your sleep, you felt my tits and mumbled, 'What perfect headlights.' Then you felt my thighs and murmured, 'what a smooth finish.'"

"What's wrong with that?" asked the driver. "Nothing, but then you felt my pussy and yelled, 'who the hell left the garage door open?'"

Submitted by Dick (do NOT say it!)

A young man was working his way through college by going door-to-door selling magazine subscriptions.
When he rang the bell at one house he was greeted by a lovely woman wearing a robe.

As he began his sales pitch, the woman removed her robe, revealing a pair of sheer panties and bra. As he continued his speech, the woman removed the bra.
Then she said " I think you better come inside, I hear someone coming."

After they went inside, she removed the panties then asked,
"Which part of my body do you think is the best ?"
The young man replies "your ears"
She said, somewhat incredulously, "why my ears?"

One day a man went on a business trip to Florida.
He had saw this hooker and he asked "How much for a hand job?"
The hooker replied "100 Bucks"
The man said "100 Bucks, That's a lot of got damn money"
So the hooker pulled him to the side and said "See that Mercedes, I paid for that by giving hand jobs."
So he gave her the money and received the best hand he had ever had.

The next day he sees her and asks "How much for a blow job?"
She said "200 dollars"
"200 dollars that's a lot of money"
She pulled him to the side and said "You see that yacht by the pier, I paid for that yacht by giving blow jobs."
So he gives her the money, and get the best blow job of his life

On his last day in Florida he returns to the hooker and says "The hand job was good, the blow job was great how much for the whole package."
"1000 dollars'
"1000 dollars that's a lot of god damn money"

So she pulled him to side and said "You see that island, I could afford that if I had a pussy."

A young minister prepares to go to bed with his bride on their wedding night. Upon entering the bedroom he sees her lying down on the bed. Ever conscious of his duties to the Lord, he exclaims,
"Woman, don't you know that you should be on your knees?"

Her surprised reply: "Well, OK, if that's what you want. But I always get hiccups when I do it that way."

Ugly Bride

A guy attending a wedding asks the person sitting next to him, “Hey, have you noticed how horrible-looking the bride is? Man, she’s ugly!”
“You jackass. That’s my daughter you’re talking about!” the person responds.
“Oops! I’m sorry, sir. I didn’t know you we’re the father.”
“I’m not, you stupid idiot. I’m the mother!”

You're convinced that chirping birds are Satan's pets.

Trying to gain control of the situation, you continue to tell your room to "stay still."

Looking at yourself in the mirror induces the same reaction as chugging a glass of fresh paint.

You'd rather have a pencil jammed up your nose than be exposed to sunlight.

You set aside an entire morning to spend some quality time with your toilet.

You replace the traditional praying on your knees with the more feasible praying in a fetal position.

The bathroom reminds you of a carnival barker shouting, "Step right up and give it whirl!"

All day long your motto is, "Never again."

You could purchase a new bike just by recycling the bottles around your bed.

Your natural response to "Good morning," is "Shut up!"

Computers vs. Auto

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared The computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: if GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they painted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to re-install the engine.

4. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.

5. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.

6. Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

7. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50 percent or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Dept.

8. Every time GM introduced a new model, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

9. You'd press the "start" button to shut off the engine.

Neighbor 1: "Hi, there, new neighbor, it sure is a nice day to be moving"
New Neighbor: "Yes, it is and people around here seem extremely friendly"
Neighbor 1: "So what is it you do for a living?"
New Neighbor: "I am a professor at the University, I teach deductive reasoning"
Neighbor 1: "Deductive reasoning, what is that?"
New Neighbor: "Let me give you and example. I see you have a dog house out back. By that I deduce that you have a dog."
Neighbor 1: "That is right"
New Neighbor: "The fact that you have a dog, Leads me to deduce that you have a family."
Neighbor 1: "Right again"
New Neighbor: "Since you have a family I deduce that you have a wife"
Neighbor 1: "Correct"
New Neighbor: "And since you have a wife, I can deduce that you are heterosexual"
Neighbor 1: "Yup"
New Neighbor: "That is deductive reasoning"
Neighbor 1: "Cool"

Neighbor 1: "Hey, I was talking to that new guy who moved in next door"
Neighbor 2: "Is he a nice guy?"
Neighbor 1: "Yes, and he has an interesting job"
Neighbor 2: "Oh, yeah what does he do?"
Neighbor 1: "He is a professor of deductive reasoning at the University"
Neighbor 2: "Deductive reasoning, what is that"
Neighbor 1: "Let me give you an example. Do you have a dog house?"
Neighbor 2: "No"
Neighbor 1: "Fag."

The first fellow says "My wife's so cold I can put a glass of water in bed with her and the next morning its turned to ice."

The second fellow says "Hell, every time my old lady spreads her legs the furnace kicks in!"

When Steve's power mower broke down, his wife, Anna, kept dropping hints about getting it fixed before the grass got too tall, but the message wasn't sinking in, and Steve kept putting off the repairs.

Finally, she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When Steve arrived at home one day, he found her sitting in the grass, clipping it by hand with a tiny pair of scissors.

Steve watched silently for a few minutes, then went into the house. Coming back in a few minutes, he handed her a toothbrush.

"When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the sidewalks."

July 5, 2009

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the after life. The woman's biggest fear was that there was no heaven.

After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word, he made contact. "Mary... Mary..."
Awestruck, Mary responds, "Is that you Fred?"
"Yes, I have come back like we agreed."
"Well, what is it like?"

Fred excitedly tells his tale, "Well, when I get up in the morning I have sex, then I have breakfast, then I have sex again, then I bathe in the sun, then I have sex twice more, then I have lunch, then I have sex all afternoon and into the early evening, until bedtime. And, then, I start all over again the next day."

So happy Mary says, "Oh Fred, you surely must be in heaven."
Fred replies, "Hell no, Mary, I'm a rabbit in Kansas."

Why were the first Pennsylvania settlers like ants?
Because they lived in colonies.

What would you get if you crossed a colonial toupee with a tepee?
A powdered wigwam!

July 3, 2009

"Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court judge said, "And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week." "That's very fair, your honor." the husband said "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself!".

July 2, 2009

Teller says "that's fine sir, but you don't have to use profanity", To which the man replies, "Just let me have a goddamn savings account."

"Sir, the teller says, that type of language will not be tolerated here, Perhaps you should speak to my boss."

The man says, "I just won 5 million in the lottery and all I want to do is open a goddamned savings account."

A truly Canadian Apology to the USA, courtesy of Rick Mercer from This Hour Has 22 Minutes, CBC Television:

Hello. I'm Anthony St. George on location here in Washington.

On behalf of Canadians everywhere I'd like to offer an apology to the United States of America. We haven't been getting along very well recently and for that, I am truly sorry. I'm sorry we called George Bush a moron. He is a moron, but it wasn't nice of us to point it out. If it's any consolation, the fact that he's a moron shouldn't reflect poorly on the people of America. After all, it's not like you actually elected him.

I'm sorry about our softwood lumber. Just because we have more trees than you, doesn't give us the right to sell you lumber that's cheaper and better than your own. It would be like if, well, say you had ten times the television audience we did and you flood our market with great shows, cheaper than we could produce. I know you'd never do that.

I'm sorry we beat you in Olympic hockey. In our defence I guess our excuse would be that our team was much, much, much, much better than yours. As word of apology, please accept all of our NHL teams which, one by one, are going out of business and moving to your fine country.

I'm sorry about our waffling on Iraq. I mean, when you're going up against a crazed dictator, you want to have your friends by your side. I realize it took more than two years before you guys pitched in against Hitler, but that was different. Everyone knew he had weapons.

I'm sorry we burnt down your White House during the War of 1812. I see you've rebuilt it! It's very nice.

I'm sorry for Alan Thicke, Shania Twain, Celine Dion, Loverboy, that song from Seriff that ends with a really high-pitched long note. Your beer. I know we had nothing to do with your beer, but we feel your pain.

And finally on behalf of all Canadians, I'm sorry that we're constantly apologizing for things in a passive-aggressive way which is really a thinly veiled criticism. I sincerely hope that you're not upset over this. Because we've seen what you do to countries you get upset with.

For 22 minutes, I'm Anthony St. George, and I'm sorry.

10 Rules Of Housecleaning

Ugly Bride