January, 2010

Winter is far from being over, but having January out of the way does at least give us that tiniest glimmer of hope that warmth and greenness will eventually return. Unfortunately we now have to contend with February...

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Back to Bed!

 
January 31, 2010
 A group of American tourists were being guided through an ancient castle in Europe.
 "This place," the guide told them, "is 600 years old. Not a stone in it has been touched, nothing altered, nothing replaced in all 
those years."
 "Well," said one woman dryly, "they must have the same landlord I have."


 A housewife called up a pet store and said, "Send me thirty-thousand cockroaches at once." 
 "What in the world do you want with thirty-thousand cockroaches?" asked the astonished clerk.
  "Well," replied the woman, "I am moving today and my lease says I must leave the premises in exactly the same condition I found them..." 

January 30, 2010

How cold was it?

It was so cold...
my mail broke when I tried to pry open the envelope!

It was so cold...
UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii!

It was so cold...
I actually enjoyed it when someone spilled scalding hot coffee on my lap!

It was so cold...
Richard Simmons started wearing pants!

It was so cold...
people with traffic tickets would plead guilty and beg for the electric chair!

It was so cold...
the snowflakes froze in the air. Birds hopped from one snowflake to another to get into the trees.

It was so cold...
terrorists started to stockpile weapons-grade hot chocolate!

It was so cold...
the politicians had their hands in their OWN pockets!

It was so cold...
when I got sick - Mom had to give me a block of chicken soup!

It was so cold...
the Polar Bears were buying fur coats!

It was so cold...
the snowman knocked on the door and asked to sleep on the couch!

It was so cold...
people with the sniffles had to suck on NyQuil popsicles!

It was so cold...
we didn't clean the house - we just defrosted it!

It was so cold...
you could pick up used vans cheap down at "Ice Cream Vendor Surplus".

January 28, 2010

Since I forgot to post a joke yeterday

An old man goes to see the doctor and gets some tests. When the results come in, the doctor calls the old man in and says, "You'd better sit down. It's pretty bad."
The old man, naturally, gets all nervous and asks, "What is it, Doc? Don't hold back -- just give it to me straight."

"Well, says the doctor, you have cancer and you have Alzheimers."ť

The man replies, "Wow. Well, at least I don't have cancer."

January 26, 2010

Thanks Tom

Tiger Woods Update

 
Breaking News:

It has been confirmed that Tiger Woods has checked into a Mississippi sex addiction clinic.  Rumor has it that he will change his name upon completion of the program.  Top on the list of new names include Cheetah Woods and Lion Woods.

January 25, 2010

Stallone, Van Damme, and Schwarzenegger...
A movie producer had called together several big name celebs to kick some
ideas around. The project was an action docu-drama about famous composers
featuring Stallone, Van Damme, and Schwarzenegger in the leading roles.

The producer really wanted the box office 'oomph' of these three, and was
prepared to allow them to select what famous composers they would portray.

"Well," started Stallone, "I've always admired Mozart. I would love to play
him."

"Chopin has always been my favorite," said Van Damme, I'll play him."

Things were going well; the producers were pleased.

"Sounds splendid. And who do you want to be, Arnold?"

"I'll be Bach." replied Arnold.

-----------------------------

Q: Did you hear about Woody Allen's latest movie?
A: It's called, "Honey, I Married the Kids".

Q: What did Haley Joel Osment find on the top of Mt. Everest?
A: Icey dead people.

They took a survey of 10,000 women in Washington DC, and asked "Would you
have sex with Bill Clinton?"
86% said "Never again".

Q: Why did McCauley Culkin get married?
A: He was tired of being home alone.

January 24, 2010

A Professor of Medicine, a man well known for his earnest and oft-proclaimed Temperance views, was (yet again) lecturing the medical students on the damage that alcohol can do. To demonstrate its effect on the nervous system, he took a worm and dropped it into a glass of gin & tonic. The worm wriggled around for a few minutes before finally giving a few convulsive twitches and dying.

"And can we deduce anything from that?", asked the Professor with the triumphant air implying that only obvious conclusion could be drawn.
"Yes," came a voice from the back, "if you've got worms, drink alcohol.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

A female reporter was conducting an interview with a farmer about Mad Cow Disease. "Mr. Brown, do you have any idea what might be the cause of the disease?"

"Sure. Do you know the bulls only screw the cows once a year?"

"Umm, sir, that is a new piece of information, but what's the relationship between this and Mad Cow?"

"And did you know we milk the cows twice a day?"

"Mr. Brown, that's interesting, but, what's the point?"

"Lady, the point is this: if I'm playing with your tits twice a day, but only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you go mad, too?"

January 23, 2010

Prison vs Work

- In prison, you spend the majority of your time in an 8' X 10' cell. At work, you spend most of your time in a 6' X 8' cubicle.

-- In prison, you get three meals a day. At work, you get 30 minutes for a meal you buy or bring yourself.

--In prison, you get time off for good behavior. At work, good behavior is rewarded with more work.

-- In prison, they allow your family and friends to visit. At work, even personal calls are disallowed.

-- In prison, all expenses are paid by taxpayers. At work, you are the taxpayer.

-- In prison, everyone knows when you drop the soap. At work, everyone knows when you drop the ball.

--In prison, you spend most of your time waiting to get out from behind bars. At work, you spend most of your time waiting to go into the bars.

--In prison, there are sadistic wardens. At work, there are managers.

-- In prison, you can get shivved. At work, you get shafted.

January 22, 2010

A fourth-grader was excited that he had tried out and gotten a role in his school’s play. His father was really proud of him and asked, “So, what part did you get?”

The little boy replies, “I got the part of a man who’s been married for 25 years.”

His father congratulated him said “That’s good son. Maybe next time you’ll get a talking role!”

January 21, 2010

Some excuses, straight from kid's notes to their teachers.

  • Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.
  • My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.
  • Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.
  • Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre) (dyrea) (direathe) the craps.
  • My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.
  • Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
  • Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.
  • Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
  • John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
  • Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.
  • Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
  • Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
  • Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
  • Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.
  • Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
  • Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
  • I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.
  • Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.
  • Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.
  • Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.
  • Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.
  • Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
  • Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.

January 20, 2010

A couple goes for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and orders the Chicken Surprise.
The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.
Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises lightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.
"Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband.
He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again, the lid rises and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.
Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening and demands an explanation.
"Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?"
"Chicken Surprise."
"Ah, so sorry. I bring you Peeking Duck."

January 19, 2010

Q&A

Why couldn't the lifeguard save the hippie? He was too far out, man!

What do you call a hippie's wife? Mississippi

How do you know a hippy has been staying at your house? He's still there.

What did the hippie say after the drugs wore off? 'Man, this music sucks!'

You Might Be A Hippie If ...

Your hair contains a fully functional eco-system.

You've ever put a flower is someone's hair.

You child is named after a celestial object.

Answering "what's your favorite Dead song?" takes five minutes.

Breaking up with your girlfriend leaves you homeless.

You carry a picture of Gandhi in your wallet.

You're at a funeral and you light a joint after the eulogy.

You don't object to being labeled a hippie.

There's people you consider family and you don't know their last name.

Half your funiture is bean bags.

You're always getting pulled over and searched , and you're white.

Out of habit, you pass your cigarette to whoever’s sitting next to you.

You name you children Bud, Herb, and Mary-Jane.

You roll perfect cigarettes.

You're still waiting for those flashbacks.

People you never met before ask if you can get them some weed.

You think 'All You Need Is Love' was written by Ghandi.

You can fall asleep in the mud under the rain.

You trespass onto private property to pick flowers.

If ... hey, what was I talking about?

 

January 18, 2010

I dialed a number and got the following recording:

"I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes."
===========================================


At pilots training back in the Air Corps they taught us,
"Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the
number of take offs you make."
===========================================

Aspire to inspire before you expire.
============================================

My wife and I had words, but I didn't get to use mine.
============================================

As my five year old son and I were headed to McDonald's one day, we
passed a car accident. Usually when we see something terrible like that,
we say a prayer for those who might be hurt, so I pointed and said to my
son, "We should pray."

From the back seat I heard his earnest request:
"Please, God, don't let those cars block the entrance to McDonald's."
============================================

Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.
============================================

Blessed are those who can give without remembering and take without forgetting.
=============================================

The irony of life is that, by the time you're old enough to know
your way around, you're not going anywhere.
=============================================

God made man before woman so as to give him time to think of an
answer for her first question.
==============================================

I was always taught to respect my elders, but it keeps getting
harder to find one.
==============================================

Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

 

January 17, 2010

One night, the Potato family sat down to dinner. Mother Potato and her three daughters. Midway through the meal, the eldest daughter spoke up. "Mother Potato?" she said. "I have an announcement to make."
"And what might that be?" said Mother, seeing the obvious excitement in her eldest daughter's eyes.

"Well," replied the daughter, with a proud but sheepish grin, "I'm getting married!"
The other daughters squealed with surprise as Mother Potato exclaimed, "Married! That's wonderful! And who are you marrying, Eldest daughter?"
"I'm marrying a Russet!" "A Russet!" replied Mother Potato with pride. "Oh, a Russet is a fine tater, a fine tater indeed!"

As the family shared in the eldest daughter's joy, the middle daughter spoke up. "Mother, I too, have an announcement."
"And what might that be?" asked Mother Potato.
Not knowing quite how to begin, the middle daughter paused, then said with conviction, "I, too, am getting married!"
"You, too!" Mother Potato said with joy. "That's wonderful! Twice the good news in one evening! And who are you marrying, Middle Daughter?"
"I'm marrying an Idaho," beamed the middle daughter.
"An Idaho!" said Mother Potato with joy. "Oh, an Idaho is a fine tater, a fine tater indeed!"

Once again, the room came alive with laughter and excited plans for the future, when the youngest Potato daughter interrupted. "Mother? Mother Potato?
Umm, I, too, have an announcement to make."
"Yes?" said Mother Potato with great anticipation.
"Well," began the youngest Potato daughter with the same sheepish grin as her eldest sister before her, "I hope this doesn't come as a shock to you, but I am getting married, as well!"
"Really?" said Mother Potato with sincere excitement. "All of my lovely daughters married! What wonderful news! And who, pray tell, are you marrying, Youngest Daughter?"

"I'm marrying Dan Rather!"

"Dan Rather?!"

wait for it

Mother Potato scowled suddenly. "But he's just a common tater!"

 

January 16, 2010

Top Ten Changes to Cable Television ...

Top Ten Changes to Cable Television Resulting from AOL Acquiring Time Warner...

10. When you turn on your television, you'll hear "You've got Pay Per View".

9. There will be a mysterious 19 hour period where your cable just wont work.

8. Test Patterns: Televisions equivilent to a busy signal.

7. Every once in a while you have to have your cable reinstalled.

6. 100 Free Trial Hours of Cable Access which you can't cancel, no matter how hard you try.

5. CIA: Cable Instant Alerter. Now all your friends will know when you are watching television.

4. Childproof features on cable will prevent you from receiving programs from undesirable sources, including ones you really do want to receive.

3. The cable repairman tells you to turn your TV off and back on again when you report your cable is on the fritz.... again.

2. Relatives in neighboring towns make fun of you because you don't have a "real" cable company like they do.

and the number one change....

1. "You've been watching TV too long. Your connection has been terminated."

January 15, 2010

In a second grade class, a little girl asks, "Teacher, can my Mommy get pregnant?", "How old is your mother, dear?" asks the teacher. "Forty." she replies. "Yes, dear, your mother could get pregnant."

The little girl then asks, "Can my big sister get pregnant?" "Well, dear, how old is your sister?" The little girl answers, "Nineteen." "Oh yes, dear, your sister certainly could get pregnant."

The little girl then asks, "Can I get pregnant?" "How old are you, dear?" The little girl answers, "I'm seven years old." "No, dear, you can't get pregnant..." Then, the little boy behind the little girl gives her a poke and says, "See, I told you we had nothing to worry about."

January 12, 2010

Submitted by Lori

The World's Shortest Books

THINGS I DID TO DESERVE THE NOBEL PEACE PRIZE

by Barack Obama

____________________________________________

OTHER BLACK PEOPLE I'VE MET WHILE YACHTING

by Tiger Woods

______________________________________________

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT MY COUNTRY

by Jane Fonda & Cindy Sheehan

Illustrated by Michael Moore

________________________________________

MY CHRISTIAN ACCOMPLISHMENTS & HOW I HELPED AFTER KATRINA

by Rev Jesse Jackson & Rev Al Sharpton

_______________________________________

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL

by Hillary Clinton

________________________________

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT HILLARY

THE SEQUEL

by Bill Clinton

___________________________________

THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD

by Bill Gates

____________________________________

THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY

by Dennis Rodman

_________________________________

THINGS WE KNOW TO BE TRUE

by Al Gore & John Kerry

_____________________________________

AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC

___________________________________

A COLLECTION of MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES

by Dr. J. Kevorkian

__________________________________

TO ALL THE MEN WE'VE LOVED BEFORE...

by Ellen de Generes & Rosie O'Donnel

_________________________________

THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY

_______________________________________

MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLER(S)

by O. J. Simpson

_________________________________________

HOW TO DRINK & DRIVE SAFELY

by Ted Kennedy

______________________

MY BOOK OF MORALS

by Bill Clinton

introduction by Rev.. Jesse Jackson

*******************************************************

AND JUST ADDED:

COMPLETE KNOWLEDGE OF MILITARY STRATEGY!

by Nancy Pelosi

 

January 11, 2010

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of Tampax and proceeded to the checkout counter. The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?" "Eight," the boy replied. The man continued, "Do you know how these are used?" The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They are for my brother.  He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. He can't do either one."


The ambitious coach of a girls track team gives the squad steroids. The team�s performance soars. They win the county and state championship until one day they are favoured to win nationals easily. Penelope, a 16-year-old hurdler visits her coach and says, "Coach, I have a problem. Hair is starting to grow on my chest." "What?" the coach says in a panic, "How far down does it go?" She replies, "Down to my testicles. That's something else I want to talk to you about."

January 10, 2010

A lady is throwing a birthday party for her granddaughter, and had gone all out..... a caterer, band, and a hired clown. Just before the party started, two bums showed up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for the bums, the woman told them that she would give them a meal if they will help chop some wood for her out back. Gratefully, they headed to the rear of the house.

The guests arrived, and all was going well with the children having a wonderful time. But the clown hadn't shown up. After a half and hour, the clown finally called to report that he was stuck in traffic, and would probably not make the party at all.

The woman was very disappointed and unsuccessfully tried to entertain the children herself.  She happened to look out the window and saw one of the bums doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watched in awe as he swung from tree branches, did mid-air flips, and leaped high in the air.

She spoke to the other bum and said, "What your friend is doing is absolutely marvelous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think your friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party? I would pay him $50!"

The other bum says, "Well, I dunno. Let me ask him. 'HEY WILLIE! FOR $50, WOULD YOU CHOP OFF ANOTHER TOE?"


January 8, 2010

Some Henny Youngman classics

A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.

My doctor grabbed me by the wallet and said, "Cough!"

The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"

The Doctor says, "You'll live to be 60!" "I AM 60!" "See, what did I tell you?"

A doctor says to a man, "You want to improve your love life? You need to get some exercise. Run ten miles a day." Two weeks later, the man called the doctor. The doctor says, "How is your love life since you have been running?" "I don't know, I'm 140 miles away!"

The patient says, "Doctor, it hurts when I do this." "Then don't do that!"

The doctor says to the patient, "Take your clothes off and stick your tongue out the window". "What will that do?" asks the patient. The doctor says, "I'm mad at my neighbor!"

A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!"

"Doctor, my leg hurts. What can I do?" The doctor says, "Limp!"

Doctor says to a man, "You're pregnant!" The man says, "How does a man get pregnant?" The doctor says, "The usual way - a little wine, a little dinner...."

A man goes to a psychiatrist. "Nobody listens to me!" The doctor says, "Next!"

A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says, "You're crazy" The man says, "I want a second opinion!" "Okay, you're ugly too!"

"Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears." "Don't answer!"

Nurse: "Doctor, the man you just gave a clean bill of health to dropped dead right as he was leaving the office". Doctor: "Turn him around, make it look like he was walking in."

I know a guy who had his doctor say, "Take some weight off, go to a health club." The man lost 20 pounds in one week! The machine tore his leg off!


 

January 7, 2010

A man walks up to the bar, and speaks to the bartender. "I bet you $500 that I can piss in this cup from across the room." The bartender looks at the man like he was nuts and says with a laugh, "Ooook buddy. You got a deal."

So the man walks over to the other side of the room, pulls down his zipper and just lets it fly. Piss goes everywhere; on the bar, on customers, all over the bartender, but not a drop lands in the cup.

man walks back over to the bartender. The bartender says, "Ha ha ha. Well pay up." So the man pays him, turns around and begins to laugh hysterically. The bartender asks, "You just lost $500, why are you laughing?" The man turns around and says to the bartender, "Well you see that man over there." The bartender says, "Yeah." He replies, "Well, I bet him $10,000 that I could piss all over your bar and you, and that you would be happy and laugh about it!"

January 5, 2010

Lana, the pert and pretty Nurse took her troubles to a resident psychiatrist in the hospital where she worked. 

"Doctor, you must help me." she pleaded. "It's gotten so that every time I date one of the young doctors here, I 
end up in bed with him. And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a week."

"I see." nodded the psychiatrist. "And you want me to strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter?"

"For God's sake, no!" exclaimed the Nurse. "I want you to fix it so I won't feel guilty and depressed afterwards."


One night, a horny old geezer decides to get himself a hooker.

Since the man doesn't have much money, he looks for the cheapest whore in the nearest Red Light District. A short while later, he finds what he's looking for and spends $10 for oral sex and intercourse. 

The next morning, the old geezer wakes up and discovers he has crabs. So, he gets dressed and heads down to where he had been the night before. He notices the same hooker on the street corner, so he marches over to her and says, "Hey, lady, you gave me crabs!"

The hooker replies, "Hey, old man, what did you expect for $10? Lobster?"

January 2, 2010

A blind man walks in to a department store with his seeing eye dog on a leash. As usual the store manager behind the customer service counter looks up, notices the customer is blind, and not wanting to stare quickly looks away again.
 
Out of the corner of his eye the manager sees the blind man start swinging the dog over his head with its leash. Shocked, the manager runs over and says "Mister is there a problem - is there anything I can help you with?"

The blind man calmly replies "No thanks - I'm just looking around."


January 1, 2010

Dear Lord

So far this year I've done well.

I haven't gossiped, I haven't lost my temper, I haven't been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or overindulgent. I'm very thankful for that.  But in a few minutes, Lord, I'm going to get out of bed, and from then on I'm probably going to need a lot more help.

Amen


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