January, 2010
Winter is far from
being over, but having January out of the way does at least give us that tiniest
glimmer of hope that warmth and greenness will eventually return. Unfortunately
we now have to contend with February... |
January 31, 2010A group of American tourists were being guided through an ancient castle in Europe. "This place," the guide told them, "is 600 years old. Not a stone in it has been touched, nothing altered, nothing replaced in all those years." "Well," said one woman dryly, "they must have the same landlord I have." A housewife called up a pet store and said, "Send me thirty-thousand cockroaches at once." "What in the world do you want with thirty-thousand cockroaches?" asked the astonished clerk. "Well," replied the woman, "I am moving today and my lease says I must leave the premises in exactly the same condition I found them..." January 30, 2010 How cold was it? It was so cold... It was so cold... It was so cold... It was so cold... It was so cold... It was so cold... It was so cold... It was so cold... It was so cold... It was so cold... It was so cold... It was so cold... It was so cold... It was so cold... January 28, 2010 Since I forgot to post a joke yeterday An old man goes to see the doctor and gets some tests. When the results
come in, the doctor calls the old man in and says, "You'd better sit down.
It's pretty bad." January 26, 2010 Thanks Tom Tiger Woods Update
Breaking News:
It has been confirmed that Tiger Woods has checked into a Mississippi sex addiction clinic. Rumor has it that he will change his name upon completion of the program. Top on the list of new names include Cheetah Woods and Lion Woods. January 25, 2010
Stallone, Van Damme, and
Schwarzenegger...
----------------------------- January 24, 2010
A Professor
of Medicine, a man well known for his earnest and oft-proclaimed Temperance
views, was (yet again) lecturing the medical students on the damage that
alcohol can do. To demonstrate its effect on the nervous system, he took a
worm and dropped it into a glass of gin & tonic. The worm wriggled around for
a few minutes before finally giving a few convulsive twitches and dying. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- A female reporter was conducting an interview
with a farmer about Mad Cow Disease. "Mr. Brown, do you have any idea what
might be the cause of the disease?" "Umm, sir, that is a new piece of information,
but what's the relationship between this and Mad Cow?" January 23, 2010 Prison vs Work
- In prison, you spend
the majority of your time in an 8' X 10' cell. At work, you spend
most of your time in a 6' X 8' cubicle.
-- In prison, you get three meals a day. At work, you get 30 minutes for a meal you buy or bring yourself. --In prison, you get time off for good behavior. At work, good behavior is rewarded with more work. -- In prison, they allow your family and friends to visit. At work, even personal calls are disallowed. -- In prison, all expenses are paid by taxpayers. At work, you are the taxpayer. -- In prison, everyone knows when you drop the soap. At work, everyone knows when you drop the ball. --In prison, you spend most of your time waiting to get out from behind bars. At work, you spend most of your time waiting to go into the bars. --In prison, there are sadistic wardens. At work, there are managers. -- In prison, you can get shivved. At work, you get shafted. January 22, 2010 A fourth-grader was excited that he had tried out and gotten a role in his school’s play. His father was really proud of him and asked, “So, what part did you get?” The little boy replies, “I got the part of a man who’s been married for 25 years.” His father congratulated him said “That’s good son. Maybe next time you’ll get a talking role!” January 21, 2010 Some excuses, straight from kid's notes to their teachers.
January 20, 2010 A couple goes for a
meal at a Chinese restaurant and orders the Chicken Surprise. January 19, 2010 Q&AWhy couldn't the lifeguard save the hippie? He was too far out, man! What do you call a hippie's wife? Mississippi How do you know a hippy has been staying at your house? He's still there. What did the hippie say after the drugs wore off? 'Man, this music sucks!' You Might Be A Hippie If ...Your hair contains a fully functional eco-system. You've ever put a flower is someone's hair. You child is named after a celestial object. Answering "what's your favorite Dead song?" takes five minutes. Breaking up with your girlfriend leaves you homeless. You carry a picture of Gandhi in your wallet. You're at a funeral and you light a joint after the eulogy. You don't object to being labeled a hippie. There's people you consider family and you don't know their last name. Half your funiture is bean bags. You're always getting pulled over and searched , and you're white. Out of habit, you pass your cigarette to whoever’s sitting next to you. You name you children Bud, Herb, and Mary-Jane. You roll perfect cigarettes. You're still waiting for those flashbacks. People you never met before ask if you can get them some weed. You think 'All You Need Is Love' was written by Ghandi. You can fall asleep in the mud under the rain. You trespass onto private property to pick flowers. If ... hey, what was I talking about?
January 18, 2010 I dialed a
number and got the following recording: January 17, 2010
One
night, the Potato family sat down to dinner. Mother Potato and her three
daughters. Midway through the meal, the eldest daughter spoke up. "Mother
Potato?" she said. "I have an announcement to make."
January 16, 2010 Top Ten Changes to Cable Television ...Top Ten Changes to Cable Television Resulting from AOL Acquiring Time Warner... 10. When you turn on your television, you'll hear "You've got Pay Per View". 9. There will be a mysterious 19 hour period where your cable just wont work. 8. Test Patterns: Televisions equivilent to a busy signal. 7. Every once in a while you have to have your cable reinstalled. 6. 100 Free Trial Hours of Cable Access which you can't cancel, no matter how hard you try. 5. CIA: Cable Instant Alerter. Now all your friends will know when you are watching television. 4. Childproof features on cable will prevent you from receiving programs from undesirable sources, including ones you really do want to receive. 3. The cable repairman tells you to turn your TV off and back on again when you report your cable is on the fritz.... again. 2. Relatives in neighboring towns make fun of you because you don't have a "real" cable company like they do. and the number one change.... 1. "You've been watching TV too long. Your connection has been terminated."January 15, 2010 In a second grade class, a little girl asks, "Teacher, can my Mommy get pregnant?", "How old is your mother, dear?" asks the teacher. "Forty." she replies. "Yes, dear, your mother could get pregnant." The little girl then asks, "Can my big sister get pregnant?" "Well, dear, how old is your sister?" The little girl answers, "Nineteen." "Oh yes, dear, your sister certainly could get pregnant." The little girl then asks, "Can I get pregnant?" "How old are you, dear?" The little girl answers, "I'm seven years old." "No, dear, you can't get pregnant..." Then, the little boy behind the little girl gives her a poke and says, "See, I told you we had nothing to worry about." January 12, 2010 Submitted by Lori The World's Shortest Books THINGS I DID TO DESERVE THE NOBEL PEACE PRIZE by Barack Obama ____________________________________________ OTHER BLACK PEOPLE I'VE MET WHILE YACHTING by Tiger Woods ______________________________________________ THINGS I LOVE ABOUT MY COUNTRY by Jane Fonda & Cindy Sheehan Illustrated by Michael Moore ________________________________________ MY CHRISTIAN ACCOMPLISHMENTS & HOW I HELPED AFTER KATRINA by Rev Jesse Jackson & Rev Al Sharpton _______________________________________ THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL by Hillary Clinton ________________________________ THINGS I LOVE ABOUT HILLARY THE SEQUEL by Bill Clinton ___________________________________ THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD by Bill Gates ____________________________________ THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY by Dennis Rodman _________________________________ THINGS WE KNOW TO BE TRUE by Al Gore & John Kerry _____________________________________ AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC ___________________________________ A COLLECTION of MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES by Dr. J. Kevorkian __________________________________ TO ALL THE MEN WE'VE LOVED BEFORE... by Ellen de Generes & Rosie O'Donnel _________________________________ THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY _______________________________________ MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLER(S) by O. J. Simpson _________________________________________ HOW TO DRINK & DRIVE SAFELY by Ted Kennedy ______________________ MY BOOK OF MORALS by Bill Clinton introduction by Rev.. Jesse Jackson ******************************************************* AND JUST ADDED: COMPLETE KNOWLEDGE OF MILITARY STRATEGY! by Nancy Pelosi
January 11, 2010 Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of Tampax and proceeded to the checkout counter. The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?" "Eight," the boy replied. The man continued, "Do you know how these are used?" The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They are for my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. He can't do either one." The ambitious coach of a girls track team gives the squad steroids. The team�s performance soars. They win the county and state championship until one day they are favoured to win nationals easily. Penelope, a 16-year-old hurdler visits her coach and says, "Coach, I have a problem. Hair is starting to grow on my chest." "What?" the coach says in a panic, "How far down does it go?" She replies, "Down to my testicles. That's something else I want to talk to you about." January 10, 2010 A lady is throwing a birthday party for her granddaughter, and had gone all out..... a caterer, band, and a hired clown. Just before the party started, two bums showed up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for the bums, the woman told them that she would give them a meal if they will help chop some wood for her out back. Gratefully, they headed to the rear of the house. The guests arrived, and all was going well with the children having a wonderful time. But the clown hadn't shown up. After a half and hour, the clown finally called to report that he was stuck in traffic, and would probably not make the party at all. The woman was very disappointed and unsuccessfully tried to entertain the children herself. She happened to look out the window and saw one of the bums doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watched in awe as he swung from tree branches, did mid-air flips, and leaped high in the air. She spoke to the other bum and said, "What your friend is doing is absolutely marvelous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think your friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party? I would pay him $50!" The other bum says, "Well, I dunno. Let me ask him. 'HEY WILLIE! FOR $50, WOULD YOU CHOP OFF ANOTHER TOE?" January 8, 2010 Some Henny Youngman classics A
doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he
gave him another six months. January 7, 2010 A man walks up to the bar, and speaks to the bartender. "I bet you $500 that I can piss in this cup from across the room." The bartender looks at the man like he was nuts and says with a laugh, "Ooook buddy. You got a deal." So the man walks over to the other side of the room, pulls down his zipper and just lets it fly. Piss goes everywhere; on the bar, on customers, all over the bartender, but not a drop lands in the cup. man walks back over to the bartender. The bartender says, "Ha ha ha. Well pay up." So the man pays him, turns around and begins to laugh hysterically. The bartender asks, "You just lost $500, why are you laughing?" The man turns around and says to the bartender, "Well you see that man over there." The bartender says, "Yeah." He replies, "Well, I bet him $10,000 that I could piss all over your bar and you, and that you would be happy and laugh about it!" January 5, 2010
Lana, the pert and pretty Nurse took her
troubles to a resident psychiatrist in the hospital where she worked. One night, a horny old geezer decides to
get himself a hooker.
January 2, 2010 Dear Lord So far this year I've done well. I haven't gossiped, I haven't lost my temper, I haven't been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or overindulgent. I'm very thankful for that. But in a few minutes, Lord, I'm going to get out of bed, and from then on I'm probably going to need a lot more help. Amen |