January, 2009

So, we come to the end of the first month of 2009. I sincerely hope you have enjoyed my daily work here, and perhaps gotten a chuckle or two from the jokes I have shown you.

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January 31, 2009

This boy has just taken his girlfriend back to her home after being out together, and when they reach the front door he leans with one hand on the wall and says to her, "Sweetie, why don't you give me a blowjob?"

"What? You're crazy!" she said.

"Look, don't worry," he said. "It will be quick, I promise you."

"Nooooooo! Someone may see us, a neighbor, anybody..."

"At this time of the night no one will show up. Come on, sweetie, I really need it."

"I've already said NO, and NO is final!"

"Honey, it'll just be a really small blowie... I know you like it too."

"NO!!! I've said NO!!!"

Desperately, he says, "My love, don't be like that. I promise you I love you and I really need this blowjob."

At this moment the younger sister shows up at the door in her nightgown and her hair totally in disorder. Rubbing her eyes she says: "Dad says, 'Dammit, give him the blowjob or I'll have to blow him but for God's sake, tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom button so the rest of the family can get some sleep.'"

January 30, 2009

A husband leaves the house to go pick up dinner for he and his wife. Shortly after leaving, the doorbell rings.
It is her husbands best friend and she invites him in. Since she is in her bathrobe the man says to her "you have the nicest breasts". She says "thanks but my husband would be mad if he heard you".

He replies "I would pay you $10 just to see one of them". She thinks for a minute and decides to do it.

He says "Wow that is the most perfect breast I ever saw....I will give you another $10 if you show me both at the same time".

She does it, and he gives her the money. The friend leaves and her husband comes home. She says "your best friend just stopped by". He answers "Great did he leave the $20 he owed me?"

January 29, 2009

"What's this I hear about you breaking off your engagement, Pam ?" said her closest friend.

"Well," Pam confirmed,
"Although his diamond was of pretty good quality, his mounting left a lot to be desired."


Robinson came home in great excitement and said to his wife, "You'll never believe it dear,
but I've discovered an entirely new position for lovemaking."

"Really," said Mrs. Robinson, interested at once. "What is it?"
"Back to back."
"But that's crazy. We can't do anything back to back."
"Yes we can. I've persuaded another couple to help out."

January 28, 2009

A pianist was hired to play background music for a movie.

When it was completed he asked when and where he could see the picture.

The producer sheepishly confessed that it was actually a porno film and it was due out in a month.
A month later, the musician went to a porno theatre to see it.

With his collar up and dark glasses on, he took a seat in the back row, next to a couple who also seemed to be in disguise.
The movie was even raunchier than he had feared, featuring group sex, S/M and even a dog.
After a while, the embarrassed pianist turned to the couple and said, "I'm only here to listen to the music."
"Yeah?" replied the man. "We're only here to see our dog."

January 27, 2009

A guy goes to a doctor and says, "Doc, you've got to help me. My penis is orange." Doctor pauses to think and asks the guy to drop his pants so he can check. Damned if the guy's penis isn't orange. Doc tells the guy, "This is very strange. Sometimes things like this are caused by a lot of stress in a person's life."

Probing as to the causes of possible stress, the doc asks the guy, "How are things going at work?" The guy responds that he was fired about six weeks ago. The doctor tells him that this must be the cause of the stress. Guy responds, "No. The boss was a real asshole, I had to work 20-30 hours of overtime every week and I had no say in anything that was happening. I found a new job a couple of weeks ago where I can set my own hours, I'm getting paid double what I got on the old job and the boss is a really great guy." So the doc figures this isn't the reason.

He asks the guy, "How's your home life?" The guy says, "Well, I got divorced about eight months ago." The doc figures that this has got to be the reason for all of the guys stress. Guy says, "No. For years, all I listened to was nag, nag, nag. God, am I glad to be rid of that old bitch." So the doc takes a few minutes to think a little longer.

He inquires, "Do you have any hobbies or a social life?" The guy replies, "No, not really. Most nights I sit home, watch some porno flicks and munch on Cheetos."

January 26, 2009

Submitted by Elaine

How do rednecks practice safe sex?

They spray paint X's on the sheep that kick

January 25, 2009


Two men from Texas were sitting at a bar, when a young lady nearby began to choke on a hamburger.
She gasped and gagged, and one Texan turned to the other and said, "That little gal is havin' a bad time.
I'm a gonna go over there and help."
He ran over to the young lady, held both sides of her head in his big, Texan hands, and asked, "Kin ya swaller?" Gasping, she shook her head no.
He asked, "Kin ya breathe?" Still gasping, she again shook her head no.
With that, he yanked up her skirt, pulled down her panties and licked her on the butt.
The young woman was so shocked that she coughed up the piece of hamburger and began to breathe on her own.
The Texan sat back down with his friend and said, "Ya know, it's sure amazin' how that hind-lick manoeuvre always works."

January 24, 2009

One day a little girl came running into her house yelling, "Mommy, I got five dollars!"

The mother was curious, so she asked her child where she got the five dollars from.
The little girl replied: ''Tommy down the street gave me five dollars for doing cartwheel while he sat in the tree.
The mother told her daughter: "Don't you know that Tommy is just trying to see your panties."

''OOOOhhhh'' said the little girl.
The next day the little girl came running into the house yelling, "Mommy, I got ten dollars.

The mother asked, "Where did you get the ten dollars from?"
The little girl replied, "Tommy down the street gave me ten dollars for doing a cartwheel while he sat up in the tree and laughed."
The mother replied: "Didn't I tell you that he is...''

Before the mother could finish, the little girl said, ''Wait Mommy! I tricked him, I didn't wear any panties today.''


January 23, 2009

Unpublished Children's Books

You Were an Accident
Strangers Have the Best Candy
The Little Sissy Who Snitched
Some Kittens Can Fly
Getting More Chocolate on Your Face
Where Would You Like to Be Buried?
Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her
All Dogs Go to Hell
The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking
When Mommy and Daddy Don't Know the Answer They Say God Did It
Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia
What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?
Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?
Daddy Drinks Because You Cry
Mister Policeman Eats His Service Revolver
You Are Different and That's Bad
Pop Goes The Hamster, And Other Great Microwave Games
The Hardy Boys, the Barbie Twins, and the Vice Squad
The Tickling Babysitter
Babar Meets the Taxidermist
Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables
Start a Real-Estate Empire With the Change From Your Mommy's Purse
The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy
Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and are Shot Dead
How to Become The Dominant Military Power In Your Elementary School
Controlling the playground: Respect through Fear
Barney: The Prison Years

 January 22, 2009

A professor at Auburn University is giving a seminar on the supernatural. Getting a feel for his students, he asks "How many of you believe in ghosts?" About 80 of his students raise their hands.

"Thatís a good start I suppose. Those of you who believe in ghosts, how many have actually seen a ghost? "

About 30 students raise their hands.
"Thatís good. Iím really glad youíre taking this seriously. Ok, has anyone here ever talked to a ghost? "

About a dozen students raise their hands.
"Thatís a great response. Has anyone ever touched a ghost?" Two students raise their hands. "Thatís fantastic. But let me ask you one last question "have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"

One student in the back raises his hand. The professor is astonished. He removes his glasses, takes a step back, and says, "Son, in all the years Iíve been giving this lecture, no one has ever actually claimed to have slept with a ghost. Why donít you come up here and tell us about it."

The redneck student replies with a nod and a grin, and begins to make his way up to the podium. The professor says, "Well, tell us what itís like to have sex with a ghost."

The student replies, "Ghost? Oh! I thought you said Ďgoatsí!"

January 21, 2009

Blonde paint job

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood.
She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"

The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage.
The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

January 20, 2009

Submitted by whoever the shit writes for "Everyone Loves Raymond"

What did the Mexican Fire Chief name his two sons?

Jose and Hose B

(Get it? Jose (Hose A) and Hose B?)

January 19, 2009

One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations.
At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and try his keys on five different cars before he found his.
The man sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes.

Meanwhile, all the other patrons left the bar and drove off.
Finally he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him.
As soon as he pulled onto the street, the officer stopped him, read him his rights and administered the breathalyzer test to determine his blood-alcohol content.
The results showed a reading of 0.0.

The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be.

The driver replied, "Tonight Iím the designated decoy."

January 18, 2009

Have you heard about the new super-sensitive condoms?
After you f*ck her, they stay and talk to her.

January 17, 2009

The doctor walks up to Fogel in the hospital and says,
"I'm sorry, but your wife is very weak. I don't think she's going to make it until morning.
"Try and comfort her as best you can."

Fogel goes into her room, and says, "Dear, the doctor says things are very bleak. Is there anything I can do to comfort you in your last hours?"
She says, "Well, all these years we've been married, I'd always wished that one day you'd f*ck me in the ass, but you never have.
"Would you please do that?"
Fogel is astounded, but it's her last request, so he figures he should do whatever she desires.
Face it, he's thrilled. So, he rolls her over, lifts her nightie, and proceeds to skewer her manure.
Really stirs her lunch for her, boffs her in the potty spot for hours.

The next morning the doctor looks in on her, and he can't believe it. She's made an incredible rally, and is rapidly regaining her strength and her health!
By noon, she's up and walking. He's flabbergasted.

He pulls Fogel out into the hall and says, "My God, man. She's like new. She's going to live to be a hundred and twenty.
"What the hell did you do in there?"
Fogel's a little embarrassed by the whole situation, and finally he says,
"Well, doc, I..I..I just...I just f*cked her in the ass for a while."

The doctor starts to cry uncontrollably.
Fogel says, "What's wrong?"
The doctor says, "I could have saved my father..."

January 16, 2009

Yesterday I had a flat tire on the interstate.
So I eased my car over to the shoulder of the road, carefully got out of the car and opened the trunk.

I took out 2 cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing oncoming traffic.
They look so lifelike you wouldn't believe! They are in trench coats, exposing their nude bodies and private parts to the approaching drivers.

I started to change my tire, and to my surprise, cars started slowing down looking at my lifelike men. And of course, traffic started backing up.
Everybody was tooting their horns and waving like crazy.

It wasn't long before a state trooper pulled up behind me.
He got out of his car and started walking towards me.
I could tell he was not a happy camper!
"What's going on here?"

"My car has a flat tire," I said calmly.
"Well, what are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road?"
I couldn't believe that he didn't know.

So I told him, "Hello-o-o-o-o-o, those are my emergency flashers!"

January 15, 2009

Contributed by GeneviŤve

Walmart Smiley, loooook closely!

January 14, 2009

When do you know you've got a good sperm count?
She has to chew before she swallows.

A guy goes into the dentist's office, sits down in the chair, pulls down his zipper, and takes out his dick.
The dentist says, "What are you doing? I'm a dentist."
The guy says, "There's a tooth in there!"


January 13, 2009

A nun and a priest are going across the desert on a camel when the camel drops dead.
They try everything to revive it. They pound on his heart, they give him mouth-to-mouth resuscitation, but the camel is as dead as a doornail.

The nun says to the priest, "Father, we're sure to die out here. Could you please do me a favor, Father?
"My entire life I've been in the convent, raised from birth to be a nun, and I've never seen what's between a man's legs.
"Could you help me, Father?"

Well, forget it, the priest can hardly get off his pants over his boner.
He finally gets his pants off, and he's got a raging hard-on.

The nun looks, and says, "My God, Father, what's that?"
The priest says "This, my child, is what gives life."

The nun says, "Well, then, why don't you shove it up that camel's ass so we can get the f*ck out of here?"

January 12, 2009

A little summertime fun to brighten a winter day?

January 11, 2009

My Grandmother said to me, "The young men of today just aren't as polite and charming as they were when I was young."
I said, "That's because they aren't trying to f*ck you now, Grandma."


I was hitting on an older woman in the bar the other night who said she had five kids. Things were going pretty well, and she told me to go buy some condoms.
I got about half way across the bar when she yelled, "Get the ribbed kind
I thought to myself, she's had five kids. I might as well just get the normal kind and stick a Lego down it."

January 10, 2009

Penis Blackboard

One day when the teacher walked to the black board, she noticed someone had written the word 'penis' in tiny letters. She turned around, scanned the class looking for the guilty face. Finding none, she quickly erased it, and began her class.

The next day she went into the room, and she saw, in larger letters, the word 'penis' again on the black board. Again, she looked around in vain for the culprit, so she proceeded with the lesson. Every morning, for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same word written on the board, each day's word, larger than the previous day's word.

Finally, she walked in, expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board, but instead, found the words: "The more you rub it, the bigger it gets."


January 9, 2009

A guy's walking down the street and sees Dirty Johnny smoking a cigarette.
He says, "Kid, you're too young to smoke."
Johnny looks up and doesn't say anything.
The guy says, "How old are you?"
Johnny says, "Six."
The guy says, "Six? When did you start smoking?"
Johnny says, "Right after the first time I got laid."
The guy says, "Right after the first time you got laid? When was that?"
Johnny says, "I don't remember. I was drunk."


Why did the husband stop having anal sex with his wife?
Every night it was the same shit.

January 8, 2009

(OK, we now throw Political Correctness completely out the window)

A Jewish girl comes home and says, "Ma, I got married."
Her mother says, "Oy, that's great."
She says, "But, Ma, he's an Arab."
Her mother says, "Oy, that's not so great."

She says, "But, Ma, he's an Arab sheik. He's wealthy beyond your wildest dreams.
You and Daddy are going to live in the lap of luxury for the rest of your lives."

Six months later, she walks in the house and says, "Ma, I love my Arab sheik, but my God, all he wants to do is boff me in my ass.
Day and night, that's all he'll do is bang me in my ass.
When I got married, my asshole was the size of a dime...now, it's the size of a silver dollar."

Her mother says, "So for ninety cents you're gonna make trouble?"

January 7, 2009

Chief Thunderbird of the Long Island Shinnecock Indians has twenty-three wives, and they tell him he could satisfy them much better if he gets circumcised.
He goes to see a surgeon in Great Neck, and the surgeon tells him it'll cost $1500.
Chief Thunderbird says, "Ugh! Too much."

He goes to see another surgeon in Huntington, who gives him a price of $1350.
The chief says, "Ugh! Too much."

He goes back to the reservation, goes into his teepee, grabs his tomahawk, goes to the edge of the forest, takes out his dick,
lays it on a tree stump, and takes a chop at it.
He looks down and says, "Ugh! Too much."

January 6, 2009

A woman's walking down the street when a guy comes up to her and says, "Lady, there's a tampon hanging out of your mouth."
She says, "F*ck! What'd I do with my cigarette?"


Two drunks are sitting at a bar when the first one pulls down his zipper and starts pissing into a beer bottle.
The second drunk says, "What are you doing?"
The first drunk says, "This stuff's so good I'm gonna drink it again."

January 5, 2009

A door-to-door vacuum salesman goes to the first house in his new territory. He knocks, a lady opens the door,
and before she has a chance to say anything, he runs inside and dumps horseshit all over the carpet.

He says, "Lady, if this vacuum cleaner don't do wonders cleaning up that horseshit, I'll eat every chunk of it."

She says, "You want tomato sauce on that? We just moved in and we haven't got the electricity turned on yet."

Schmidlap and his wife are shopping.

He picks up a case of Budweiser, puts it in the cart, and she says, "What're you doing?"
He says, "They're on sale, only ten bucks for twenty-four cans."
She says, "Put them back, we can't afford them."

The next aisle, she picks up a twenty-dollar jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
He says, "What're you doing?"
She says, "It's my face cream. It makes me beautiful."

He says, "So does a case of Budweiser and it's half the price.'"

January 4, 2009

January 3, 2009

January 2, 2009

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting ď13.. 13... 13Ē.

The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap between the planks and looked through to see what was going on.

Some jerk poked me in the eye with a stick. Then everyone began shouting ď14Ö 14Ö 14.Ē

January 1, 2009

Lecture Tour with A Difference

On New Year's Eve, Daniel was in no shape to drive, so he sensibly left his van in the car park and walked home.  As he was wobbling along, he was stopped by a policeman.  'What are you doing out here at four o'clock in the morning?' asked the police officer.

'I'm on my way to a lecture,' answered Roger.

'And who on earth, in their right mind, is going to give a lecture at this time on New Year's Eve?' enquired the constable sarcastically.

'My wife,' slurred Daniel grimly.

Politician in Action

A Senator in the USA was once asked about his attitude toward whisky.

'If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then I'm against it.  But if you mean the elixir of a New Year toast, the shield against winter chill, the taxable potion that puts needed funds into public coffers to comfort little crippled children, then I'm for it. This is my position, and I will not compromise.