February, 2010

Shortest of all months, and for a good reason, February is the depths of winter here.

It's a good thing we still have our sense of humour, or do we???

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February 25, 2010

A blonde got lost in her car in a snow storm. She remembered what her dad had once told her. "If you ever get stuck in a snow storm, wait for a snow plow and follow it". Pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about forty-five minutes. Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. She explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in the snow, to follow a plow. The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with Wal-Mart; now you can follow me over to K-Mart."

February 24, 2010

Ski Accident

One of the women in the ski group complained to her husband that she was in dire need of a restroom.
He told her not to worry, that he was sure there was relief waiting at the top of the lift in the form of a powder room for female skiers in distress.
He was wrong, of course, and the pain did not go away.

If you've ever had nature hit its panic button in you, then you know that a temperature of 12 below zero doesn't help matters. So, with time running out, the woman weighed her options.
Her husband, picking up on the intensity of her pain, suggested that since she was wearing an all white ski outfit, she should go off in the woods.
No one would even notice, he assured her. The white will provide more than adequate camouflage. So she headed for the tree line, began disrobing and proceeded to do her thing.
If you've ever parked on the side of a slope, then you know there is a right way and a wrong way to set your skis so you don't move. Yup, you got it. She had them positioned the wrong way.

Steep slopes are not forgiving, even during embarrassing moments. Without warning, the woman found herself skiing backward, out of control, racing through the trees, somehow missing all of them and into another slope.

Her derriere and her reverse side were still bare, her pants down around her knees, and she was picking up speed all the while.
She continued on backwards, totally out of control, creating an unusual vista for the other skiers.
The woman skied, if you define that verb loosely, back under the lift, and finally collided violently with a pylon. The bad news was that she broke her arm and was unable to pull up her ski pants.

At long last her husband arrived, putting an end to her nudie show, then went to the base of the mountain and summoned the ski patrol, who transported her to a hospital.
In the emergency room she was regrouping when a man with an obviously broken leg was put in the bed next to hers.

"So how'd you break your leg?" she asked, making small talk.

It was the damdest thing you ever saw, he said, I was riding up this ski lift, and suddenly I couldn't believe my eyes.
There was this crazy woman skiing backward out of control down the mountain with her bare bottom hanging out of her clothes and her pants down around her knees.
I leaned over to get a better look and I guess I didn't realize how far I'd moved. I fell out of the lift."

"So how'd you break your arm?"

February 23, 2010

Who live up in the mountains and are always surfing the Net?
The Web-berly Hillbillies.

Who sits at the end of the yellow brick road surfing the Net?
The www.izard of Oz.

Who surfs the Net by pecking at the keyboard?
www.oody www.oodpecker.

Who's been surfing on our web?
I can't bear to tell you.

Why are elephants no good at Net surfing?
Because they're scared of the mouse.

Does your dog know how how to surf the internet?
No - but he's got a ruff idea.

Why are frogs no good at websurfing?
Computers have them toad-ily confused.

Why couldn't the baby camel surf the Internet?
Because whenever his parents saw their phone bill they got the hump.

Why did the vampire stop netsurfing at 11 o'clock?
It was time for his coffin break.

Why was Cinderella able to surf the web?
Because he footman turned into a mouse.

February 22, 2010

Wayne Gretzky, Mario Lemieux and Steve Yzerman all die and meet in heaven. God is sitting in his chair waiting for them. God says to the three legends, gentleman before I let you in, you must tell me what you believe. "Mario we'll start with you, in what do you believe?" "I believe hockey is the greatest thing in the world and the best sport in history" To that god says "take the seat to my left" God then turns to Steve and says, "Steven, in what do you believe?" To which Steve replies "I believe to be the best, you've got to give every ounce you've got!" To that god says "take the seat to my Right" God then turns to number 99 and says "Wayne, tell me what do you believe?" To which Wayne replies I believe you are sitting in my seat


Two boys are playing hockey on a pond in the park in Toronto, when one is attacked by a rabid Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy takes his stick, wedges it down the dog's collar and twists, breaking the dog's neck. A reporter who was strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy. "Young Leafs Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal," he starts writing in his notebook. "But I'm not a Leafs fan," the little hero replied. "Sorry, since we are in Toronto, I just assumed you were," said the reporter and starts again. "Little Jays Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack" he continued writing in his notebook. "I'm not a Jays fan either," the boy said. "I assumed everyone in Toronto was either a Leafs or Jays fan. "What team, do you root for?" the reporter asked. "I'm a Boston Bruins fan." the child said. The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, "Little Bastard from Boston Kills Beloved Family Pet.

February 20, 2010

A man and a beautiful woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed that the man was slowing sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned. The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared. After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table." The woman calmly looked up at her and replied, "No he didn't. He just walked in the door."

February 19, 2010

A man is fibbing away about how great things are in his country. Finally, he starts describing the tall buildings in his country.
"There is a building so tall, it took my friend Alex 72 hours to fall off it!"
"Oh, my God!" says his friend. "Surely he must have died!"
"Of course. He was without food or water for 3 days!"

February 17, 2010

A family of three tomatoes were walking downtown one day when the little baby tomato started lagging behind. The big father tomato walks back to the baby tomato, stomps on her, squashing her into a red paste, and says, "Ketchup!"


Why did the blonde return her new scarf? It was too tight.

February 16, 2010

A young lady entered a crowded car with a pair of skates slung over her
arm. An elderly gentleman arose to give her his seat.

"Thank you very much, sir," she said, "but I've been skating all
afternoon, and I'm tired of sitting down."


'you might be a figure skating if...'

1. You've been high off of zamboni fumes at least once.
2. Upon hearing a song, you map out the choreography in your head.
3. You know when someone says its the last time you'll do a move, they really don't mean it.
4. You have no accumulated sun damage because you never leave the rink.
5. When you see someone of the opposite sex on the street, you don't think "DATE!", you think "PAIR/DANCE PARTNER!"
6. You realize that in order to win an international pair event you must be from a communist country (Russia or China).
7. You like the way the ice smells.
8. You want Brian Joubert.
9. You like to buy your shoes half a size smaller than you really need so they feel like your skates.
10. You have permenant marks on the back of your ankles from pointing your toe.
11. If you hear the music from Carmen, you get VERY annoyed.
12. If you hear music from "Swan Lake" you think of Oksana wearing that weird thing on her head.
13. You call the "Fiesta Tango" the "Fiasco Tango"
14. When you walk past a prom dress in a mall and see the nice beading, you imagine it in skating dress form.
15. You want a Vera Wang costume.
16. You've met a sport psychologist at least once.
17. You keep winter clothes in your closet year round.
18. You're used to hearing phrases such as "Just one more, then you're done", "Point your toe", "Hold your head up straight", "Don't land that double lutz so close to the wa... Oh too late.", "Lean", and "Check!"
19. Chances are, your parents don't have a beach house.
20. You actually understand these jokes.

February 14, 2010

February 13, 2010

Olympic city bribery

The Top 9 Signs Your City Used Bribes to Become an Olympic Site

9. IOC members seem unconcerned over scheduling conflicts due to the yachting, diving and swimming events all being held in the 34th Street YMCA pool.

8. All 75 of the new hires in the mayor's office are named either Ingrid or Sven.

7. After Philadelphia lands the Summer Games, Juan Antonio Samaranch sports a hood ornament that looks strangely like the Liberty Bell.

6. Only someone bribed with hookers and college tuition wouldn't think the term "New York City Hospitality Committee" is an oxymoron.

5. Karl Malone is now playing forward for the Utah Samaranches.

4. T-shirt for sale in the hotel lobby: "My dad went to Salt Lake City, and all I got was this T-shirt and college tuition."

3. "Miss Salt Lake" for 1999 requires a translator to deliver her coronation speech.

2. New Olympic mascots: Vinny and Knuckles.

and the Number 1 Sign Your City Used Bribes to Become an Olympic Site...

1. The IOC suddenly decides to change the official cycling uniforms to white shirts and ties.

February 12, 2010

A man goes hunting with a bunch of his friends on his own land. They have been hunting a while and his best friend says, "Hey I can see in your bedroom with my scope". He says ," Who's that man in the bedroom with your wife?"

 The husband says, "What? Are you joking?"

 The friend replies, "No honestly. I can see them!!"  The husband says "Fine shoot her in the head and him in the privates!!"

 The friend replies, "I CAN GET THAT IN ONE SHOT!!!!!!!!"

February 10, 2010

I know, I know, very lazy with the jokes lately

Two buddies, Dave and Wayne , are getting very drunk at a bar when suddenly Dave throws up all over himself.. 'Oh, no... Now my wife will kill me!'
Wayne says, 'Don't worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in your breast pocket and tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill.'
So they stay for another couple of hours and get even more drunk.

Eventually Dave stumbles home and his wife starts to give him a bad time. 'You reek of alcohol and you've puked all over yourself! My God, you're disgusting!'

Speaking very carefully so as not to slur his words, Dave says, 'Nowaitaminit, I can e'splain everythin. Itsh snot wha jewthink. I only had a cupla drrrinks. But thiss other guy got ssick on me...he had one too many and he juss koudin hold hizz liquor. He said he's was verrry sorry an' gave me twennie bucks for the cleaning bill!'
His wife looks in the breast pocket and says, 'But this is forty Bucks..'

Oh, yeah.. I almos' fergot, he shhhit in my pants, too

February 4, 2010

This guy's walking along the beach when he kicks a bottle. Much to his surprise, a genie flies out. "Oh master," it declaims, "your wish is my command."

Great, thinks the guy, his chance has finally come! "Genie," he demands, "give me a cock that touches the floor." 
Whereupon both his legs fell off.

Why E-mail Is Like a Penis

1. Some people have it, some don't.
2. Those who have it would be devastated if it were cut off.
3. It can be up or down. It's more fun when it's up, but it makes it hard to get any real work done.
4. Once you've started playing with it, it's hard to stop. Some people would just play with it all day if they didn't have work to do.
5. If you don't apply the appropriate protective measures, it can spread viruses.
6. It has no brain of its own. Instead, it uses yours.
7. We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant.
8. If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you in big trouble.
9. It has its own agenda. Somehow, no matter how good your intentions, it will warp your behaviour. Later you may ask yourself, "Why on earth did I do that?"
10. It has no conscience and no memory. Left to its own devices, it will do the same damn dumb things it did before.


February 3, 2010

Submitted by Angie

A guy was out walking his dog late one night and came across another man underneath a street lamp crawling around on his hands and knees.

Curiousity got the better of the first man and he asks the man on the ground, "Sir, what are you doing?" The second man replies, "I lost my contact lens and would love it if you could help me find it." Being a kind man, the first man drops down to his knees and looks for the missing contact lens.

After about 20 minute with no luck, the second man stands up and asks, "Where exactly did you lose it, because I just can't find it." The first mans says, "In the park across the street."

Furious for wasting his time the second man asks "So then what the hell are you doing looking for it here?" the first man stands up, shrugs his shoulders and says, "The light was better over here"


February 2, 2010

No joke, rather we will allow Addixion's old friend Grover GroundHog his annual opportunity to poke his little "head" out

February 1, 2010

A class professor was giving a lecture on company slogans and was asking his students if they were familiar with them. "Joe," he asked, "which company has the slogan, 'come fly the friendly skies'?"
Joe answered the correct airline.

"Brenda, can you tell me which company has the slogan, "Don't leave home without it?"
Brenda answered the correct credit card company with no difficulty.

"Now John, Tell me which company bears the slogan, 'Just do it'?"

And John answered, "Mom...."

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