December 31, 2008
Funny MySpace Pictures
Trevor's New Year's Eve party was an annual occurrence
with numerous guests arriving. During the evening, a man knocked on the door,
was greeted heartily although no one knew who he was, and was led to where the
drinks were, in the kitchen. He sat there happily, chatting away, for a couple
of hours before a strange light dawned on his face. 'You know,' he confided to
Trevor, 'I wasn't even invited to this party. I just came over to tell you that
some of your guests' cars are blocking my drive.' He continued, 'My wife's been
sitting out in the car waiting for me to get them moved, so that we can go out.'
December 30, 2008New Years Diet
December 29, 2008
New Year Jokes - One Liners
To kick start my New Year, I took an IQ test and the
results were negative.
The trouble with jogging is that the ice falls out of
your glass
When I thought about the evils of drinking in the New
Year. I gave up thinking.
How to Quit Smoking
Peter, at a New Year's party, turns to his friend, Ken,
and asks for a cigarette.
'I thought you made a New Year's resolution to quit
smoking,' Ken responds.
'I'm in the process of quitting,' replies Peter with a grin. 'Right now, I am in
the middle of phase one.'
'Phase one?' wonders Ken.
'Yeah,' laughs Peter, 'I've quit buying.'
December 28, 2008
God, grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
The good fortune to run into the ones that I do,
And the eyesight to tell the difference.
On New Year's Eve, Marilyn stood up in the local pub and said that it was
time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be
standing next to the one person who made his life worth living.
Well, it was kind of embarrassing. As the clock struck - the bartender was
almost crushed to death.
December 27, 2008
When you stop believing in Santa Claus is when you start getting clothes for
Christmas.
____________________________________________
It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner,
"What are you charged with?" "Doing my Christmas shopping early," replied the
defendant. "That's no offense," said the judge. "How early were you doing this
shopping?" "Before the store opened," countered the prisoner.
___________________________________________
T'was the night before Christmas and all through the house,
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care.
They'd been worn all week and needed the air.
December 26, 2008
7 Ways To Annoy At Christmas
1. Sit in a corner in the fetal position rocking back and forth chanting,
"Santa Claus is coming to town, Santa Claus is coming to town..."
2. Hang a stocking with your roommate's name on it. Collect coal and sharp
objects in it.
3. Paint your nose red and wear antlers. Constantly complain about how you
never get to join in on the reindeer games.
4. Sing "All I want for Christmas is your two front teeth..."
5. Make anatomically correct gingerbread people and eat the best parts first.
6. Smoke mistletoe. Do what comes naturally.
7. Take some miniature marshmallows and put them in a little baggie. Attach
a note to the bag that has a picture of a snow man and this poem:
'You have been naughty, and here's the scoop
All you get is the snowman's poop!'
December 25, 2008
Part 1
Santa Works Hard!!
The analysis calculates that there are possibly 378 million children in the Christian world;
at just over 4.1 per household, that's 98.1 million homes.
"One presumes that there's at least one good child in each".
Time zones give Santa 31 hours of Christmas to work with, which means 822.6 visits per second.
"This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of his sleigh,
fill the stockings and get back into the sleigh."
The sleigh itself would have to travel at 3,000 times the speed of sound, 650 miles per second.
"The fastest man made vehicle ... the Ulysses space probe, moves at a pokey
27.4 miles per second." The sleigh's payload - assuming nothing more than a medium-sized Lego set,
weighing 2 lbs, is 321,300 tons and, even if flying reindeer have 10 times the
pulling power of an ordinary reindeer, he will need 214,000 of the beasts.
Finally, "353,000 tons, travelling at 650 miles per second, creates enormous air resistance ...
the lead pair of reindeer (you know, Rudolph and chum) will absorb 14.3 quintillion joules
of energy ... per second ... each. In short, they will burst into flames almost instantaneously".
Santa's whole flying circus would burn up, like a spacecraft re-entering the atmosphere.
"In conclusion: If Santa ever did deliver presents on Christmas Eve .. he's dead now!!"
The above may be used in Christmas 2009 as a cost saving exercise, and copies distributed
in lieu of presents to children/grandchildren.
Part 2
Rebuttal To Santa Works Hard, But He's Not Real "Facts"
Come on, ya gotta believe! I mean, if you can handle flying furry animals,
then it's only a small step to the rest.
For example;
1) As admitted, it is possible that a flying reindeer can be found. I would
agree that it would be quite an unusual find, but they might exist.
2) You've relied on cascading assumptions. For example, you have assumed a
uniform distribution of children across homes. Toronto/Yorkville, or
Toronto/Cabbagetown, or other yuppie neighborhoods, have probably less than
the average (and don't forget the DINK and SINK homes (Double Income No Kids,
Single Income No Kids)), while the families with 748 starving children that
they keep showing on Vision TV while trying to pick my pocket would skew that
15% of homes down a few percent.
3) You've also assumed that each home that has kids would have at least one
good kid. What if anti-selection applies, and homes with good kids tend to
have more than their share of good kids, and other homes have nothing except
terrorists in diapers? Let's drop that number of homes down a few more
percent.
4) Santa would have to Fedex a number of packages ahead of time, since he
would not be able to fly into Air Force Bases, or into tower-controlled
areas near airports. He's get shot at over certain sections of the Middle
East, and the no-fly zones in Iraq, so he'd probably use DHL there.
Subtract some more homes.
5) I just barely passed Physics and only read Stephen Hawking's book once, but
I recall that there is some Einsteinian Theory that says time does strange
things as you move faster. In fact, when you go faster than the speed of
light time runs backward, if you do a straight line projection, connect the
dots and just ignore any singularity you might find right at the speed of
light. And don't say you can't go faster than the speed of light because
I've seen it done on TV. Jean-Luc doesn't have reindeer but he does have
matter-antimatter warp engines and a holodeck and that's good enough for me.
So Santa could go faster than light, visit all the good children which are
not uniformly distributed by either concentration in each home or by number
of children per household, and get home before he left so he can digest all
those stale cookies and warm milk yech.
6) Aha, you say, Jean-Luc has matter-antimatter warp engines, Santa only has
reindeer, where does he get the power to move that fast! You calculated the
answer! The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of
energy. Per second. Each. This is an ample supply of energy for the
maneuvering, acceleration, etc, that would be required of the loaded sleigh.
The reindeer don't evaporate or incinerate because of this energy, they
accelerate. What do you think they have antlers for, fighting over females?
Think of antlers as furry solar array panels.
7. If that's not enough, watch the news on the 24th at 11 o'clock. NORAD (which
may be one of the few government agencies with more than 3 initials in it's
name and therefore it must be more trustworthy than the rest) tracks Santa
every year and I've seen the radar shots of him approaching my house from
the direction of the North Pole. They haven't bomarck'd him yet, so they
must believe too, right?
December 24, 2008
December 23, 2008
December 22, 2008
December 21, 2008
Killing Elf Ego
An male elf was so paranoid about the size of his willy that he could
never work up the courage to have sex. Then one day he fell in love
with an elf nurse.
One fine evening, they went back to her place. She put on some soft
music and led him into the bedroom. Totally mortified, he told her of
his problem.
"Don't worry," She said. "I'm a nurse. I won't laugh."
Blushing the man drops his trousers. "It's OK," she said. "I've seen lots
smaller than that."
"Really?" the relieved elf asked.
She nodded. "Yes," she chuckled, "I used to work in the maternity unit."
December 20, 2008Bubba Claus's Best Pick-up Lines
Hey Babe, when was the last time you had a really good sleigh?
Care to see my twelve inch elf?
I've got something special in the sack just for you!
Ever make it with a fat guy with a whip?
I know when you've been bad or good so let's skip the small talk, sister!
Some of my favorite toys run on batteries....
Interested in seeing the North Pole? (Well, that's what Mrs. Claus calls it...)
I see you when you're sleeping and you don't wear any underwear, do you?
Screw the "nice" list. I've got you on my "nice AND naughty" list!
Ho-Ho-How'd you like to shake like a bowl of jelly?
I put the 'scroo' in 'scrooge!
I've got something you can hang a wreath on!
One hour with me honey and you'll see flyin' reindeer!
That is NO candy cane in my pocket, and I'm glad to see you.
Uh-yeah, that's right. I'm Kenny Rogers.
I got your stocking stuffer right here!
Giddy-up over here and say 'Howdy' to your fat, bearded cowboy of love!
December 19, 2008
Deer Santa,
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. I'v ben a gud boy all yeer.
Yer Friend, Billy
Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawncare. How about I
send you a book so you can learn to read and spell? I'm giving your older
brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell.
Santa
Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only
thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Love, Sarah
Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
Santa
Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like
for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you
can do.
Love, Teddy
Dear Teddy,
Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like
a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that
up to come back to your frigid mom, who rides his ass constantly?
It's time to give up that dream. Let me send you some Legos instead.
Santa
Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, a Playstation 2, a train,
some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.
Love, Francis
Dear Francis,
Who names their kid 'Francis' nowadays?
I bet you're gay. I'll set you up with a Barbie.
Santa
Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree,
and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.
Love, Susan
Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the sh!ts and carrots make the deer fart in my face
when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor?
Leave me a bottle of Scotch..
Santa
Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year?
Are you busy making toys?
Your friend, Thomas
Dear Thomas,
All the toys are made in China . I have a condo
in Vegas where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I
unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the a$$es of cocktail
waitresses while losing money at the craps table.
Hey, you wanted to know.
Santa
Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when
we're awake, like in the song?
Love, Jessica
Dear Jessica,
Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do.
I'm skipping your house.
Santa
Dear Santa,
I really want a puppy this year. Please,please, please, PLEASE,
PLEASE could I have one?
Love, Timmy
Dear Timmy,
That whiney begging sh!t may work with your folks, but that crap
doesn't work with me.. You're getting a sweater again.
Santa
Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house.
How do you get into our home?
Love, Marky
Dear Mark,
First stop callling yourself 'Marky', that's why you're getting your ass
whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live
in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like
the boogeyman does, through your bedroom window.
Sweet dreams,
Santa
December18, 2008
The Fucking Night Before Christmas, Dammit
==========================================
'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house
Everybody felt shitty -- even the mouse.
Mom at the Whorehouse and Dad smoking grass;
I'd just settled down for a nice piece of ass.
When out on the lawn I heard such a clatter
I sprung from my piece to see what the matter
Then out on the lawn I saw a big dick
I knew in a moment: it must be Saint Nick.
He came down the chimney like a bat out of hell
I knew in a moment the fat fucker fell.
He filled all our stockings with pretzels and beer
And a big rubber dick for my brother the queer.
He rose up the chimney with a thunderous fart
The son of a bitch blew the chimney apart,
He swore and he cursed as he rode out of sight
"Piss on you all and have a hell of a night!"
December 17, 2008
December 16, 2008
Six guys are carrying a casket out of a
church in the winter.
One of the lead guys slips on an icy step, and the casket gets away.
It goes sliding down the street, around the corner, through a traffic
intersection in the middle of town,
jumps the curb, smashes through a drug store door, slams against the counter,
the lid pops open, and the stiff sits up.
The druggist says, "Can I help you?"
The stiff says, "Yeah. Could you please give me something to stop this coffin?"
December 15, 2008
(!0 days to go, time to start the Christmas jokes?)
A Christmas Story for people having a bad day:
When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as
fast as the regular ones,
and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.
Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which
stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were
about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven
knows where.
Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked,
the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.
Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum.
When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the cider
and hidden the rum.
In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into
hundreds of
little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and
found the mice had
eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door,
yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely
day?
I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'
And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
December 14, 2008
Michelle was a girl from Wheeling,
Who claimed to have no sexual feeling.
Then a bastard named Boris,
Stapled her clitoris,
And she had to be scraped from the ceiling.
December 13, 2008
Mehrtens is having no luck on the beaches in Fort
Lauderdale.
The comedians at The Comic Strip decide to help him.
Manfrellotti pulls him aside and says, "Look, you have to impress these babes
down here."
"What you do, is put a potato in your bathing suit."
The next day Mehrtens sees Manfrellotti on the beach, goes running up to him and
says,
"I put a potato in my bathing suit, but it didn't help at all."
Manfrellotti looks down and says, "You asshole. You're supposed to put it in the
front."
December 12, 2008
For the kids (have to do it from time to
time):
Where do you park your dog?
In a barking lot.
What's a spider have for lunch?
A burger and flies.
Your mama's so fat she sat on a quarter
and a booger shot out of George Washington's nose.
December 11, 2008
A little old lady's walking down the street dragging
two big garbage bags when one of them rips, and every once in a while a
twenty-dollar bill falls out.
A cop sees it and says, "Lady, there's twenty-dollar bills falling out of your
bag."
She says, "I'd better go back and and pick up what I lost. Thanks for telling
me."
He says, "Wait a minute. How'd you get all that money?"
She says, "My back yard's next to the stadium parking lot. On game days a lot of
fans come pee through the fence into my flower garden. So, I stand behind the
fence with my hedge clippers, and every time a guy sticks it through the fence,
I say, 'twenty bucks or off it comes.' "
The cop says, "I guess that's fair. But what's in the other bag?"
She says, "Not everybody pays.
December 10, 2008
Two bananas are laying by a river bank when
a turd comes floating by.
The turd looks over at the two bananas and says, "Come on in! The water feels
great!"
One banana turns to the other and says, "Do you believe that shit?"
December 9, 2008
Ma comes in from her chores and says, "Jethro, get out
there and fix that there outhouse."
In a few minutes, she hears, "Ma! There ain't nothin' wrong with this here
outhouse."
She yells back, "Put your head down in the hole."
He puts his head down in the hole, and yells again, "Ma! There ain't nothin'
wrong with this here outhouse."
He goes to lift up his head, and starts screaming, "Ma! Maaa! My beard's stuck."
She yells back, "It's aggravatin', ain't it?"
December 8, 2008
The synagogue has a raffle, Cohen wins third
prize, and he gets a television set.
Schwartz wins second prize, and he gets an apple pie.
Schwartz says, "Cohen, you win third prize, and you get a television set, and I
win second prize, and I get an apple pie?"
"This is bullshit."
Cohen says, "That pie was baked by the rabbi's wife."
Schwartz says, "Fuck the rabbi's wife."
Cohen says, "That's first prize."
December 7, 2008
4 TOP ADULT JOKES
Fourth Place:
A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does,
his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both quite startled.
The man turns to her and says, 'Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your
breast,
I know you'll forgive me.'
She replies, 'If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221.'
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Third Place :
One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his
wife's arm.
The wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist
appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.'
The husband, rejected, turns over.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?'
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Runner Up:
Bill worked in a pickle factory.
He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one
day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.
He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it,
but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the
compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once
that something was seriously wrong.
'What's wrong, Bill?' she asked.
'Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put
my penis into the pickle slicer?'
'Oh, Bill, you didn't' she exclaimed..
'Yes, I did.' he replied.
'My God, Bill, what happened?'
'I got fired.'
'No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?'
'Oh..she got fired too.'
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Winner:
A couple had been married for 50 years.
They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says,
'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table
together.'
'I know,' the old man said. 'We were probably sitting here naked
as a jaybird fifty years ago.'
'Well,' Granny snickered. 'Let's relive some old times.'
Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied, 'My nipples
are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.'
'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps. 'One's in your coffee
and the other is in your oatmeal
===============================================
December 6, 2008
How can you tell if a midget's having her
period?
She keeps tripping over the string.
**************
Favale comes home from work and his wife says, "I have good news and bad
news..."
He says, "I'm in no mood for more bad news. Just give me the good news."
She says, "The paperboy isn't sterile."
December 5, 2008
It's a very
cold winter's night, so three homeless guys huddle up close to stay warm.
When they wake up in the morning, the guy on the left says, "I had a dream
somebody was pulling on my dick."
The guy on the right says, "I had a dream somebody was pulling on my dick."
The guy in the middle says, "I had a dream I went skiing."
December 4, 2008
For the kids:
What should you do if you break your toe?
Call a toe truck.
What do you get when you cross a bear with a skunk?
Winnie the P. U.
December 3, 2008
Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with large
breasts.
Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew
that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but
he had to try.
One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician,
the King's chief doctor.
Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than
satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it.
Without pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme.
The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit
into the Queen's bra while she bathed.
Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and
grew intense.
Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio
informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva,
if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch,
and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote
to cure the itch.
The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers.
Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into
his mouth,
and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and
magnificent breasts.
The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and hailed
as a hero.
Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1,000
gold coins.
With his obsession now satisfied, Nick could have cared less and,
knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King and with a laugh
told him to get lost.
The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the
King's underwear.
The King immediately summoned Nick.
Moral of the story...
Pay your bills!
December 2, 2008
December 1, 2008
Saturday morning I got up early, dressed quietly, made
my lunch, grabbed the dog,
slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck,
and proceeded to back out into a torrential down pour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph.
I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the
weather would be bad throughout the day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.
There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and
whispered,
'The weather out there is terrible.'
My loving wife of 20 yrs replied,
'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that shit?'
I still don't know if she was joking.
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