April 30, 2009
The officer shouted orders to a
nearby soldier. With considerable bravery, the GI ran directly onto the field
of battle, in the line of fire, to retrieve a dispatch case from a dead soldier.
In a hail of bullets, he dove back to safety. "Private," the officer said, "I'm
recommending you for a medal. You risked your life to save the locations of our
"Warehouses!?" the private shouted. "I thought you said whorehouses!"
Three women were sitting around
throwing back a few drinks and talking about their sex lives. Karen said, "I
call my husband the dentist because nobody can drill like he does." Joanne
giggled and confessed, "I call my husband the miner because of his incredible
Kathy quietly sipped her whiskey until Joanne finally asked, "Well, what do you
call your boyfriend?" Kathy frowned and said, "The postman." "Why the postman?"
"Because, he always delivers late and half the time it's in the wrong box."
Three women were
sitting around talking about their husbands' performance as a lover. The first
woman says "My Husband works as a marriage counselor. He always buys me flowers
and candy before we make love. I like that." The second woman says, "My husband
is a motorcycle mechanic. He likes to play rough and slaps me around sometimes.
I kinda like that." The third woman just shakes her head and says, "My husband
works for Microsoft. He just sits on the edge of the bed and tells me how great
it's going to be when I get it."
A man goes to a doctor and says " What shall I do? I've just been raped by an
elephant!" The doctor tells him to bend over so he can have a look at his ass.
"That's funny!" He says " your asshole is 10 inches wide! I thought elephants
only had thin long dicks?" The man says " Yeah but he fingered me first!"
April 28, 2009
According to archaeologists, for millions of
years Neanderthal man was not fully erect. That's pretty easy to understand
considering how ugly Neanderthal woman were.
Ohhh, you are wonderfully tight tonight darling!
Wife: Get that big hairy thing out of my navel!
A patient awakened after a
serious operation only to find herself in a room with all the blinds drawn. Why
are all the blinds closed?" she asked her doctor. Well, the surgeon responded,
"They're fighting a huge fire across the street, and we didn't want you to wake
up and think the operation had failed."
A young man excitedly tells
his mother he's fallen in love and is going to get married. He says, "Just for
fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over three women and you try and guess which one I'm
going to marry." The mother agrees. The next day, he brings three beautiful
women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while.
He then says, "Okay, Ma. Guess which one I'm going to marry." She immediately
replies, "The red-head in the middle." Stunned, the young man says, "That's
amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?"
"I don't like her," she says.
April 26, 2009
A cop saw a car weaving all over the road and
pulled it over. He walked up to the car and saw a nice-looking woman behind the
wheel. There was a strong smell liquor on her breath.
He said, 'I'm going to give you a breathalyzer test to determine if you are
under the influence of alcohol.' She blew up the balloon and he walked it back
to the police car. After a couple of minutes, he returned to her car and said,
'It looks like you've had a couple of stiff ones.'
She replied, 'You mean it shows that, too?'
Two girls were discussing their heavy smoking
habits. "I get such a yen for a cigarette," said one, "that the only effective
countermeasure is to pop a Life Saver into my mouth and suck hard." "That's fine
for you," huffed her friend, "but I don't happen to live in a house that's right
on the beach!"
April 25, 2009
Police officers George and Mary, had been
assigned to walk the beat. They had only been out a short while when Mary said,
"Damn, I was running late this morning after my workout and after I showered, I
forgot to put on my panties! We have to go back to the station to get them."
George replied, "We don't have to go back, just give the K-9 unit, Fido, one
sniff, and he will go fetch them for you."
It was a hot day and Mary didn't fell like heading back to the station, so she
lifted her skirt for the dog. Fido's nose shoots between her legs, sniffing and
snorting. After 10 seconds of sniffing, Fido's ears pick up, he sniffs the wind,
and he is off in a flash towards the station house. Five minutes go by and no
sign of Fido. Ten minutes pass, and the dog is nowhere to be seen. Fifteen
minutes pass, and they are starting to worry.
Twenty minutes pass, and they hear sirens in the distance. The sirens get louder
and louder. Suddenly, followed by a dozen police cars, Fido rounds the corner
with the Desk Sergeant's balls in his mouth.
An Oldie but still
A teacher was doing
a study testing the senses (taste) of first graders using a bowl of lifesavers.
The children began to identify the flavors by their color:
Finally the teacher gave them all lifesavers. After tasting them, none of the
children could identify the taste.
'Well,' she said, 'I will give you all a clue. It's what your mother may
sometimes call your father.'
One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled,
'Oh my God!! They're ass-holes!...
April 23, 2009
A couple was invited to a swanky masked
Halloween Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the
party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she
was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good
time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went. The
wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was
still early, she decided to go to the party. In as much as her husband did not
know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her
husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance
floor, dancing with every nice chick he could and copping a little feel here and
a little kiss there. His wife slid up to him and being a rather seductive babe
herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff
that had just arrived.
She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally
he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to
one of the cars and had a little bang. Just before unmasking at midnight, she
slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering
what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.
She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had
had. He said, "Oh the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when
you're not there." The she asked, "Did you dance much?"
He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I
met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played
poker all evening. But I'll tell you... the guy I loaned my costume to, sure had
a real good time!"
April 22, 2009
THE BLONDE AND THE BARKING DOG
A blonde and her husband are lying in bed Listening to the next door neighbor's
It has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours.
The blonde jumps up out of bed and says, "I've had enough of this". She goes
The blonde finally comes back up to bed And her husband says "The dog is still
What have you been doing?"
The blonde says, "I put the dog in our backyard, let's see how THEY like it!"
April 21, 2009
So this pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants.
Confused, the bartender asks,
"Hey bud, why do you have a steering wheel in your pants?"
"I donít know," the pirate says, "but itís driving me nuts!"
This guy went into a bar and ordered a beer. He happened to look down the
bar and see a man sitting there with a head the size of a cue ball.
So he walked down and said to the man, "Excuse me sir, I don't mean to be
rude but I noticed you have a small head. Is this a birth defect?"
The man said "No, I got this in the war. My ship was torpedoed by the
Germans in WWII. I was the only survivor on the ship so I swam to shore. One day
a mermaid swam up to me and said she would grant me three wishes. For my first
wish I wanted to return to the U.S. The mermaid granted that wish. My second
wish was to have all the money I would ever need. Wish granted. My third wish
was to have sex with the mermaid. She said, 'I can't grant that wish because
mermaids cant have sex.'"
"So I said, 'How about a little head?'"
April 20, 2009
A fellow walks into a bar,
notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim
with $10 bills.
He guesses there must be more than ten thousand dollars in it.
He approaches the bartender and asks, 'What's with the money in the jar?'
'Well... you pay $10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the money and the
keys to a brand new Lexus.'
The man certainly isn't going to pass this up so he asks, 'What are the three
'You must pay first... Those are the rules,' says the bartender.
So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender the $10 and the
bartender drops it into the jar.
'Okay,' the bartender says, 'Here's what you need to do:
First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in a minute or less, and you
can't make a face while doing it.
Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to
remove that tooth with your bare hands.
Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who has never had sex....
You have to take care of that problem!'
The man is stunned. 'I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it!
You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila, and then do all those other
'Your call,' says the bartender...
'But, your money stays where it is.'
As time goes on, and the man has a few more drinks, he finally says, 'Where's
the damn tequila?'
He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can.
Tears stream down both cheeks, but he doesn't make a face, and he did it in
Next, he staggers out the back door, where he sees the pit bull chained to a
Soon the people inside the bar hear growling , biting, and screaming sounds,
then nothing but silence!
Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the
with his shirt ripped open and there are scratches and he's bleeding all over
He says, 'Now where's that old woman with the bad tooth?'
April 19, 2009
A man was having problems with premature
ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could
do to cure his problem. In response, the doctor said, "When you feel like you
are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself."
That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All
excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to his wife. At home, he found his
wife was in bed, naked and waiting. As the two began, they found themselves in
the 69 position. The man, moments later, felt the sudden urge to ejaculate and
fired the starter pistol.
The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, "How did it
The man answered, "Not that well...when I fired the pistol, my wife peed in my
face, bit 3 inches off my penis and my neighbour came out of the closet with his
hands in the air!"
April 18, 2009
One day an 85-year-old man is
taking a stroll around his hometown, which he has lived in for his whole life.
As he sees the landmarks, homes, and streets from his youth, he starts
"I remember helping build that bridge when I was 25. I worked hard on that. But
people won't call you 'the bridge builder' if you do that here. No, no, they
"I remember building that house over there when I was 30. But people won't call
you 'the house builder' if you do that. No, no they don't!"
"I remember building that tavern that I still lounge at when I was 35. If you do
that people won't call you 'the tavern builder' either. They sure won't!"
"But if you f*ck one goat......."
April 17, 2009
After living in the remote wilderness of Kentucky all his life, an old hillbilly
decided it was time to visit the big city.
In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it. Not ever having seen
one before, he remarked at the image
staring back at him, 'How about that! Here's a picture of my daddy.'
He bought the mirror thinking it was a picture of his daddy, but on the way home
he remembered his wife didn't like his father, so he hung it in the barn, and
every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it.
His wife began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn. One day after
her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror. As she looked
into the glass, she fumed, 'So that's the ugly bitch he's runnin' around with.'
April 16, 2009
Submitted by Nizzy (a month ago, I
Seven Kinds of Sex
The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex..
This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone, and you both have sex
until you are blue in the face.
The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex.
This is when you have been with your partner for a short time, and you are so
needy you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.
The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex.
This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has
gotten routine, and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.
The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex
This is when you have been with your partner for too long.
When you pass each other in the hallway you both say 'screw you.'
The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex.
Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night.
The 6th kind of sex is called: Courtroom Sex.
She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.
And; Last, but not least, The 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex.
You get a little each month. But not enough to enjoy yourself.
April 15, 2009
A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months.
Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath.
One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight
response on the monitor whenever she touched her there.
They tried it again and sure enough, there was definite movement.
They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, 'As crazy as
this sounds, maybe a little 'oral sex' will do the trick & bring her out of the
The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they would close the
curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.
After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The
nurses run back into the room.
'What happened!?' they cried.
The husband said, 'I'm not sure; maybe she choked.'
April 14, 2009
This farmer has about 200
hens, but no rooster and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next
farmer and asks if he has a rooster. The other farmer says, "Yeah, I've got this
great rooster, named Randy; he'll service every chicken you've got. No problem."
Well , Randy the rooster is a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth
it. So , he buys Randy. The farmer takes Randy home and sets him down in the
barnyard, giving the rooster a pep talk, " Randy, I want you to pace yourself
now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here and you cost me a lot of money
and I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun," the
farmer said with a chuckle.
Randy seemed to understand, so the farmer points towards the hen house and Randy
took off like a shot ~WHAM~ He nails every hen on there THREE or FOUR times and
the farmer is just shocked. Randy runs out of the hen house and sees a flock of
geese down by the lake ~WHAM~ He gets all the geese. Randy's up in the pigpen.
He's in with the cows. Randy is jumping on every animal the farmer owns.
The farmer is distraught, worried that his expensive rooster won't even last the
day. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day to find Randy
dead as a doorknob in the middle of the yard. Buzzards are circling overhead.
The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful animal , shakes his head and
says, "Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down,
now look what you've done to yourself." Randy opens one eye, nods towards the
sky and say's , "Shhh. They're getting closer...."
April 13, 2009
I am a Nobody.
Nobody is Perfect.
Therefore I am Perfect.
Five million people, Fifteen last names.
I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.
Dyslexics Have More Nuf.
With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth
reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed
Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey", died peacefully at age 93.
The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin.
They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.
I LOVE COOKING WITH WINE
Sometimes I even put it in the food.
When you work here, you can name your own salary.
I named mine, "Fred".
money isn't everything,
but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
Reality is only an illusion that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.
Red meat is not bad for you
Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.
I am having an out-of-money experience.
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering,
he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him,
"Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280
Interstate. Please be careful!"
"It's not just one car," said Herman. "It's hundreds of them!"
Don't sweat the petty things.
Don't pet the sweaty things.
Corduroy pillows are making headlines!
I want to die while asleep like my grandfather, not screaming in terror like the
passengers in his car.
April 12, 2009
Three explorers are captured
by a tribe in the Amazon jungle. The chief is going to punish the intruders. He
calls the first explorer to the front of the tribe and asks, "Death or Booka?!".
Well the explorer doesn't want to die, so he opts for booka. The tribe starts
screaming BOOKA! and dancing around. the chief then rips the explorers pants off
and f*cks him in the ass.
The chief calls the second
explorer to the front and asks, "Death or Booka?!". Well not wanting to die
either, he opts for booka. The tribe again starts screaming BOOKA! and dancing
around. The chief rips the second guys pants off and f*cks him in the ass.
The chief calls the third
explorer to the front and asks, "Death or Booka?!". Well the third guy has a
little more self respect and thinks death would be better than being violated in
front of hundreds of tribesman, so he opts for death. The chief turns to the
tribe and screams "DEATH BY BOOKA!"
April 11, 2009
I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad,
I take something for it.
FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS!
Except that one where you're naked in church.
Sometimes too much to drink isn't enough.
Heaven is Where:
The Police are British,
The Chefs are Italian, The Mechanics are German,
The Lovers are French and It's all organized by the Swiss.
Hell is Where:
The Police are German, The Chefs are British,
The Mechanics are French, The Lovers are Swiss and
It's all organized by the Italians.
Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
My short-term memory is not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my short-term memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Welcome to Utah
Set your watch back 20 years.
In just two days from now, tomorrow will be yesterday.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory
The statement below is true.
The statement above is false.
I may be schizophrenic, but at least I have each other.
April 10, 2009
A woman was having a daytime affair while her
husband was at work.
One wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she
heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.
"Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home
"I can't jump out the window ~ It's raining out there!"
"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied.
He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!"
So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window!
As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run
right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along
beside the others, about 300 of them.
Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best
he could After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him
with some curiosity, jogged closer.
"Do you always run in the nude?" one asked.
"Oh yes!" he replied, gasping in air. "It feels so wonderfully free!"
Another runner moved a long side. "Do you always run carrying your clothes with
you under your arm?"
Oh , yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right at
the end of the run and get in my car to go home!
Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried, "Do you always
wear a condom when you run? "
"Nope.........just when it's raining.
April 9, 2009
OK, one more day of penis jokes and we'll
A woman came home just in time to find her
husband in bed with another woman. With superhuman strength borne of fury, she
dragged her husband down the stairs to the garage and put his penis in a vise.
She then secured it tightly and removed the handle. Next she picked up a
hacksaw. The husband terrified, screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going
to......to....cut it off are you?!" The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her
eye, said, "Nope. You are. I'm going to set the garage on fire."
An old man woke up in the middle
of the night and found, to his utter astonishment, that his pecker was as hard
as a rock for the first time in two years. He shook his wife by the shoulder
until she woke up and showed her his enormous boner. "Check this out!" he
happily exclaimed. "What do you think we should do with it?" With one eye open,
his wife replied, "Well, now that you've got all the wrinkles out, now would be
a good time to wash it."
April 8, 2009
Here's a kind of a companion
piece to yesterday's joke
A man with a stuttering
problem tries everything he can to stop stuttering, but he can't. Finally, he
goes to a world renowned doctor for help. The doctor examines him and says
"I've found your problem. Your penis is twelve inches long. It weighs so much
that it's pulling on your lungs, causing you to stutter." So he asks, "What's he
cure, doc?" The doctor replies, "Well, we have to cut off six inches."
The man is eager to cure his stuttering so he agrees to the operation. The
operation is a success, and he stops stuttering. Two months later, the man calls
the doctor and tells him that since he's had the 6 inches cut off, all of his
girlfriends have dumped him, and his love life has gone down the tubes. He
insists that the doctor do another operation to add the six inches back on.
There is silence on the other end of the telephone, so the man repeats, "Hey
doc, didn't you hear me? I want my six inches back!" Finally, the doctor
responds, "F-f-f-f-f-f-u-c-k y-y-y-y-ou!
April 7, 2009
There is this guy who has a 25 inch dick. He
goes to a witch in the woods and asks her if she can make his dick smaller
because he just can't please the ladies because it is just too big, he hasn't
found a lady yet who likes it and he can't get any pleasure.
She tells him to go into the woods and he will find a frog when he finds the
frog he is to ask it to marry him. If the frog says no, his cock will shrink 5
He goes into the woods and finds this frog. He asks "frog, will you marry me?"
The frog says "no" And his prick shrinks five inches. The guys thinks to
himself, "Wow, that was pretty cool. But, it's still too big." So he goes back
to the frog and again asks the frog: "Frog, will you marry me?"
Frog: "No, I won't marry you."
The guys dick shrinks another five inches. But that's still 15 inches and he
thinks his chop is still just a little bit too big. But he thinks that 10 inches
would be just great. He goes back to the frog and asks: "Frog, will you marry
Frog: How many times do I have to tell you NO, NO, NO!!!
April 6, 2009
PUNS FOR "EDUCATED MINDS
1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He
acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be
an optical Aleutian.
3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a
weapon of math disruption.
5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum
9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into
12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the
other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'
14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his
grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said 'No change yet.'
17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at
20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran
21. A backward poet writes inverse.
22. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that
23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
24. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!
April 5, 2009
Annoyed by the professor of anatomy who liked
to tell "naughty" stories during class, a group of female students decided that
the next time he started to tell one, they would all rise and leave the room in
The professor, however, got wind of their
scheme just before class the following day, so he bided his time. Then, halfway
through the lecture, he began. "They say there is quite a shortage of
prostitutes in France."
The girls looked at one another, arose and
started for the door. "Young ladies," said the professor with a broad smile,
"the next plane doesn't leave till tomorrow afternoon."
Cover Charge $15.00
Round of Drinks $23.00
Table Dance- $30.00
Another round of drinks $23.00
Couch dance and tips $50.00
A round of shots $34.00
Private dance in your hotel room $300.00
Being able to send her on her way and never have to hear her complain:
A young girl was
having a heart-to-heart talk with her mother on her first visit home since
starting university. "Mum, I have to tell you," the girl confessed. "I lost my
virginity last weekend." "I'm not surprised," said her mother. "It was bound to
happen sooner or later. I just hope it was a romantic and pleasurable
experience." "Well, yes and no," the pretty student remarked. "The first eight
guys felt great, but after them my pussy got really sore."
April 3, 2009
The ambitious coach of a girls track
team gives the squad steroids. The team's performance soars. They win the county
and state championship until one day they are favoured to win nationals easily.
Penelope, a 16-year-old hurdler visits her coach and says, "Coach, I have a
problem. Hair is starting to grow on my chest."
"What?" the coach says in a panic,
"How far down does it go?" She replies, "Down to my testicles. That's something
else I want to talk to you about."
April 2, 2009
A man is out shopping and
discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack.
Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made.
"Olympic condoms?", she
blurts, "What makes them so special?" "There is three colours", he replies,
"Gold, Silver and Bronze." "What colour are you going to wear tonight?", she
"Gold of course", says the
man proudly. The wife responds, "Why don't you wear Silver, it would be nice if
you came second for a change!".
April 1, 2009
For April Fool's Day