August2009Jokes

September 2009

Aaah, September. Nights are cooler, leaves are gradually changing from the greens of summer to the brilliant golds, oranges and reds of autumn. And of course September means back to school for children all over North America.

But of course my own children are adults, so no back-to-school for them. In fact the only thing that "Back-to-School" means to me is that I now have to leave for work 5 minutes earlier so I don't get stuck behind a schoolbus.

Which brings up another interesting point. At what age did the hot little chickies waiting for the bus stop being high school girls and start being mothers waiting outside with their own kids???

Oh yeah, I almost forgot.......jokes.



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September 30, 2009

A 16-year-old girl finally had the opportunity to go to a party by herself. Since she was very good-looking, she was a bit nervous about what to do if boys hit on her. Her mom said, "It's very easy! Whenever a boy starts hitting on you, you ask him, 'What will be the name of our baby?' That'll scare them off." So off she went. After a little while at the party, a boy started dancing with her, and little by little he started kissing her and touching her. She asked him, "What will our baby be called?" The boy found some excuse and disappeared. Some time later, the same thing happened again: a boy started to kiss her neck, her shoulders... She stopped him and asked about the baby's name, and he ran off.

Later on, another boy invited her for a walk. After a few minutes, he started kissing her, and she asked him, "What will our baby be called?" He continued, now slowly taking her clothes off. "What will our baby be called?" she asked once more. He began to have sex with her. "What will our baby be called?!" she asked again. After he was done, he took off his "full" condom, gave it a knot, and said, "If he gets out of this one... David Copperfield!

September 29, 2009

A little girl at a wedding asked, "Mommy, why do brides always wear white?"
"Because they're happy," the mom replied.

Halfway through the wedding, the girl whispered, "Mommy, if brides wear white because they're happy, then why do grooms wear black?"

No? How about this?

A fresh-faced lad on the eve of his wedding night goes to his mother with the following question.

"Mom, why are wedding dresses white?"

The mother looks at her son and replies, "Son, this show the town that your bridge is pure."

The son thanks his mom and goes off to double-check this with his father. "Dad, why are wedding dresses white?"

The father looks at his son in surprise and says, "Son, all household appliances come in white."

September 28, 2009

The Little Fire Truck


 A firefighter was working on the engine outside the station when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders
 hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl was wearing a firefighters' helmet.

 The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat. The firefighter walked over to take a closer look.
 'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the firefighter said with admiration.
 'Thanks,' the girl replied.
 The firefighter looked a little closer and noticed the girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to her cats' testicles.
 'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's
 collar, I think you could go faster.'


 The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.'

 

September 27, 2009

A young couple, on the brink of divorce, visits a marriage counsellor. The counsellor asks the wife, "WhatÔŅĹs the problem?" She responds, "My husband suffers from premature ejaculation." The counsellor turns to her husband and inquires, "Is that true?" The husband replies, "Well not exactly, she's the one that suffers, not me."


An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is. "I'm 90 years old," he says. "90!" replies the woman. "Don't you realize you've had it?" "Oh, sorry," says the old man, "how much do I owe you?"


"I can't find a cause for your illness," the doctor said. "Frankly, I think it's due to drinking." "In that case," replied his patient, "I'll come back when you are sober."


September 26, 2009

As  You Slide Down the Banister of Life,  Remember

1.  Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggart have written an  impressive new book.  It's called
'Ministers  Do More Than Lay People'

2.  Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat,  drink and  be Mary.

3.  The  difference between the Pope  and your  boss, the Pope only expects  you to  kiss his  ring.

4.  My  mind works like lightning, one  brilliant flash  and it is  gone.

5.  The  only time the world beats a path  to Your  door is if you're in the  bathroom.

6.  I hate  sex in the movies. I tried it  once. The  seat folded up, the drink  spilled,    there  was popcorn all over the
floor and that  ice, well, it really chilled the  mood.

7.  It  used to be only death and  taxes Now,  of course,  there's shipping  and handling,  too.

8.  A  husband is someone who, after  taking the  trash out, gives the impression  that
he  just cleaned the whole  house.

9  My next  house will have no kitchen -  just vending  machines and a large trash  can.

10.  Definition  of a teenager? God's  punishment...for enjoying  sex.

11.  As  you slide down the banister of life,  may the  splinters never point  up.

September 25, 2009

Bubba was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent Mary Louise to the hardware store. At the hardware store Mary Louise saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf while she was waiting for Joe Bob to finish waiting on a customer. When Joe Bob was finished, Mary Louise asked how much for the teapot? Joe Bob replied "That's silver and it costs $100!"

"My goodness, that sure is a lotta money!" Mary Louise exclaimed. She then proceeded to describe the hinge that Bubba had sent her to buy, and Jo Bob went to the backroom to find a hinge. From the backroom Joe Bob yelled "Mary Louise, you wanna screw for that hinge?' To which Mary Louise replied, "No, but I will for the teapot."



September 24, 2009

A young woman was having a physical examination and was very embarrassed because of a weight problem. As she removed her last bit of clothing, she blushed. "I'm so ashamed, Doctor," she said, "I guess I let myself go." The physician was checking hers eyes and ears. "Don't feel ashamed, Miss. You don't look that bad."

"Do you really think so, Doctor?" she asked. The doctor held a tongue depressor in front of her face and said, "Of course. Now just open your mouth and say moo."


A handsome young lad went into the hospital for some minor surgery, and the day after the procedure a friend stopped by to see how the guy was doing. His friend was amazed at the number of nurses who entered the room in short intervals with refreshments, offers to fluff his pillows, make the bed, give back rubs, etc. "Why all the attention?" the friend asked, "You look fine to me."

"I know!" grinned the patient. "But the nurses kind of formed a little fan club when they all heard that my circumcision required twenty-seven stitches."

 

September 23, 2009

A man phones home from his office and says to his wife, "I have the chance to go fishing for a week. It's the opportunity of a lifetime. I have to leave right away. Pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and especially my blue silk pajamas. I'll be home in an hour to pick them up." The man rushes home to grab everything. He hugs his wife, apologizes for the short notice, and then hurries off.

A week later, the man returns and his wife asks, "Did you have a good trip, dear?" The man replies, "Yep, the fishing was great... but you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas." His wife smiles and says, "Oh, no I didn't... I put them in your tackle box!"


In a hospital serving victims of land mines, a little girl wakes up from surgery. Little Girl: "Doctor, something is wrong... I can't feel my legs!" Doctor: "Yes, we've had to amputate both your arms."



September 22, 2009

Celebrating the Vernal Equinox

Autumn is a season for big decisions -- like whether or not it's too late to start spring cleaning.

Autumn -- time to drag out your winter clothes and see what kind of summer fun the moths had.

This autumn we can look forward to falling leaves and rising gas prices. We'll be raking it up while the oil companies are raking it in.

The autumn leaves are a lot like raising kids. First they turn on you, and then they fly away. And next thing you know, you look out the window and they're back!

I got tired of looking at all those leaves in my yard, so I got up off the couch and went into action. I closed the curtains.

The leaves are beginning to fall, and soon only two things will be hanging from the trees: the last leaf and the first football coach.

I can hardly wait until all the leaves turn brown to match the grass.

I loved the end of summer when I was a kid. It always meant I no longer had to be embarrassed by the coach putting me in right field.

Now, todayís lawn & garden tip. If you havenít found the hedge trimmer yet, forget it. Itís almost time now to lose the leaf rake.

I could tell there was a hint of autumn in the air when my son's football smashed me in the face.

It's fall, that time when the colors change form green to red to gold -- and that's just the gunk in your swimming pool.

Autumn is a great time of the year. Soon those ugly patches of dead grass in your lawn will be covered up -- with ugly patches of dead leaves.

 

September 21, 2009

Submitted by Kathlene

A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.
The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.
Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you.
If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens." Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Lishelle, what's for dinner?"
No response.

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Lishelle, what's for dinner?"
Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Lishelle, what's for dinner?"
Again he gets no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Lishelle, what's for dinner?"

 Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. "Lishelle, what's for dinner?"

"David, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!"

September 20, 2009

These are awful, but I'm extremely late posting and don't want to take time looking for better alternatives. Sorry.

Mrs. Jones goes to the doctor for a full medical.

After an hour or so, the doctor looks at Mrs. Jones and says the following: "Mrs. Jones, overall you are very healthy for a 45 year old. There is however, only one problem. You are 40 pounds overweight and bordering on obese. I would strongly suggest that you diet now to save any complications in later years."

She looks sternly at him and says, "I demand a second opinion".

"OK" he says, "you're f*cking ugly as well!"


Sitting at home one night with his wife, a man is casually tossing peanuts into the air and catching them in his mouth. As the couple take in the latest episode of their favorite program, the man loses concentration for a split second, and a peanut goes into his ear. He tries to get it out, but succeeds only in forcing the thing in awfully deep.

After a few hours of fruitless rooting the couple decide to go to the hospital, but on their way out of the front door they meet their daughter coming in with her boyfriend.

The boyfriend takes control of the situation; he tells them he's studying medicine and that they're not to worry about a thing. He then sticks two fingers up the man's nose and asks him to blow, and low and behold, the nut shoots from the ear and out across the room.

As the daughter and her boyfriend go through to the kitchen to get drinks, the man and his wife sit down to discuss their luck. "So" the wife says, "what do you think he'll become after he finishes school? A GP or a surgeon?"

"Well says the man, rubbing his nose, "by the smell of his fingers, I think he's likely to be our son-in-law."

 

September 19, 2009

Bloke comes home from the bar drunk at 4am in the morning. His wife is sleeping and he tries to sneak into bed. He's laying in bed for a few minutes and lets rip a fart. His wife wakes up and asks, "What in the world was that?"

He replies, "Touchdown, I'm up 7 nothing."

She thinks to herself, "I'm gonna fix him." Then she lets one loose.

He yells at her, "What was that?"

She replies "Touchdown, tie score."

Now he thinks, "I'm gonna fix her." He's laying there for about 10 minutes trying to work one up. He tries so hard he craps in bed.

The wife asks, "Now what in the world was that?"

He replied, "Half time, switch sides."

---

Two guys are talking about their boss's upcoming wedding. One bloke says, "It's ridiculous, he's rich, but he's 95 years old, and she's just 24! What kind of a wedding is that?"

The other says, "Well, we have a name for it in my family."
"What do you call it?"

"We call it a football wedding."
The first asks, "What's a football wedding?"

The other says, "She's waiting for him to kick off!"


September 18, 2009

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly ... and for the same reason.  Very soon they are all full of sh*t

-----------------------------------

A woman and a baby come into the doctor's office.
She is taken into an examining room and waits for the doctor.

After arriving there, the doctor examines the baby, and finds him not gaining much weight and asks the woman, "Is he breast fed or on the bottle?"

"Oh...he is breast fed!", replied the woman.
"Well then, strip down to your waist," orders the doctor.
She takes off her top and bra and sits on the examining table.
The doc starts pressing, kneading and pinching both breasts for quite a while in a very detailed and thorough examination.
The doc motions to her to get dressed, then the doctor says -
"No wonder this baby is so hungry. You don't have any milk!"
The woman with a wry grin on her face responds..."Well of course I don't."
"I'm his aunt - but I'm SURE GLAD I brought him in!"

September 17, 2009

Ol' Fred had been a faithful Christian and was in the hospital, near death. The family called their pastor to stand with them. As the pastor stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on. The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol' Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died. The pastor thought it best not to look at the note at that
time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.

At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol' Fred died. He said, "You know, Ol' Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all."

He opened the note, and read, "Asshole, you're standing on my oxygen tube!"

September 16, 2009

Some clean birthday jokes in honour of Madison's 2nd birthday

Q. What was the average age of a cave man?
A. Stone Age!


Q. What goes up and never comes down?
A. Your age!

Q. What do you always get on your birthday?
A. Another year older!


Q. What do you say to a cow on her birthday?
A. Happy Birthday to Moo!


Q. What do you say to a cat on her birthday?
A. Happy birthday to mew!


Q. What do you give a 900 pound gorilla for his birthday?
A. I don't know, but you'd better hope he likes it!


Q. Does a pink candle burn longer than a blue one?
A. No, they both burn shorter!


Q. What did one candle say to the other?
A. Don't birthdays burn you up?


Q. Why do we put candles on top of a cake?
A. It's too hard to put them on the bottom!

September 15, 2000

Sneezing
 

This lady is on an airplane and is seated next to a man named Ian. About half an hour after they take off, Ian sneezed. He calmly opened his fly, took out his penis and wiped it with a handkerchief. The lady was shocked but a little too shy to say anything.

About 15 minutes later, Ian sneezed again and then once more opened his fly, grabbed his penis and wiped it off. The lady could not believe it, and being to shy to mention it, she thought to herself, "If he does that again, I'm definitely going to mention it."

Well, guess what? About 10 minutes later, Ian sneezed again and proceeded as before. She turned to Ian and said, "That is disgusting! Must you do that in front of me?" Ian apologized and explained that it was a medical condition, "Every time I sneeze, I have an orgasm," he explained.

"Really, what do you take for that?" she asked.

Ian replied, "Pepper."

September 14, 2009

Submitted by Laurie and Rick

MAN THAT NEVER HAD A 69
 
MAN BUDDIES HOOK HIM UP WITH A WOMAN FOR A 69..  IN THE PROCESS OF THE ORAL PRCEEDURES SHE PASSES GAS.. THE MAN GETS UP AND WASHES HIS FACE OFF AND GOES BACK FOR MORE... AGAIN SHE PASSES GAS... THE MAN GETS UP AGAIN WASHES HIS FACE OFF GOES GETS HIS CLOTHES ON.. SHE ASKES "WHERE ARE YOU GOING?"  HE REPLIES " I CANT TAKE 67 MORE OF THOSES!"

 

September 13, 2009

A 92 year-old man went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm. At his follow up visit the doctor talked to the man and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?" The man replied, "Just doing what you said Doctor, 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful'." The Doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said you got a heart murmur. Be careful."

September 12, 2009

This is just too stupid not to post

Once there was a little red man, who lived in a little red house in a little red neighbourhood. Every morning he got out of his little red bed, went down his little red stairs and made his little red breakfast. Upon finishing his little red breakfast, he would make his way back up his little red stairs into his little red bathroom and turn on his little red shower. Stripping down to his little red bare self, he then hopped in his little red shower.

One morning in particular at this time there came a knock on his little red door. So he jumped out of his little red shower, put on his little red towel and raced down his little red stairs to open up his little red door, only to find a green avon lady standing there. At that point a gust of wind blew his little red towel off and onto his little red floor. The green avon lady gasped in horror at what she saw, turned around quickly, ran across the road and got hit by a truck.........
And the moral of the story is?

DON'T cross the street whilst the little red man is flashing!

September 11, 2009

One night, a horny old geezer decides to get himself a hooker.

Since the man doesn't have much money, he looks for the cheapest whore in the nearest Red Light District. A short while later, he finds what he's looking for and spends $10 for oral sex and intercourse. 

The next morning, the old geezer wakes up and discovers he has crabs. So, he gets dressed and heads down to where he had been the night before. He notices the same hooker on the street corner, so he marches over to her and says, "Hey, lady, you gave me crabs!"

The hooker replies, "Hey, old man, what did you expect for $10? Lobster?"

September 10, 2009

Thanks  goes to Dick once again

Newfoundland Declares War on the USA.

President Obama was in the Oval Office when his telephone rang.

"Hallo, President Obama," a heavily accented voice said. "This is Archie, up 'ere at the Harp Seal Pub in Badger's Cove, Newfoundland, Canada, eh? I am callin' to tells ya dat we are officially declaring war on ya!"

"Well Archie," Obama replied, "This is indeed important news ! How big is your army?"

"Right now," said Archie, after a moments calculation "there is myself, me cousin Harold, me next-door-neighbor Mick, and the whole dart team from the pub. Dat makes eight!"

Obama paused. "I must tell you Archie that we have one million men in our army waiting to move on my command."

"Holyjeez," said Archie. "I'll have ta call ya back!"
Sure enough, the next day, Archie called again. "President Obama, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be Archie?" Obama asked.

"Well sir, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Harry's farm tractor."

President Obama sighed. "I must tell you Archie, that we have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I've increased our army to one and a half million since we last spoke."

"Lard t'underin' bye", said Archie, "I'll be getting back to ya."

Sure enough, Archie rang again the next day. " President Obama, the war is still on! We have managed to git ourselves airborne! We up an' modified Harrigan's ultra-light wit a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four byes from the Legion have joined us as well!"

Obama was silent for a minute then cleared his throat. "I must tell you Archie that we have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. Our military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased our army to TWO MILLION!"

"Jumpins," said Archie, "l'll have ta call youse back."

Sure enough, Archie called again the next day. "President Obama ! I am sorry to have to tell you dat we have had to call off dis 'ere war."

"I'm sorry to hear that," said Obama . "Why the sudden change of heart?"

Well, sir," said Archie, "we've all sat ourselves down and had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and come to realize dat dere's no way we can feed two million prisoners."

CANADIAN CONFIDENCE CANNOT BE SHAKEN!

September 9, 2009

According to archaeologists, for millions of years Neanderthal man was not fully erect. That's pretty easy to understand considering how ugly Neanderthal woman were.


A bride who got a little too drunk at her wedding reception was still determined to say a few words of thanks to the guests for all their presents. She stumbled through a short speech and then slowly turned to point to the presents on display, which included a coffee percolator "And finally" she said "I do thank my new parents-in-law for giving us such a beautiful perky copulator"



September 8, 2009

Should have posted these yesterday. Oh well, such is life

Father:  Do you know, most people don't have to work today, because it's Labour Day.
Son: If people are not working, shouldn't we call today 'No-Labour Day?' 


Daughter (8):   Is Aunty Diane having her baby today?
Mother:  Why did you think she is about to give birth?

Daughter (8):  Because you said today was Labour Day!


A Russian cousin arrives in Boston

American cousin:  How do you say 'Labor Day' in Russian?
Russian cousin:  Another freezing and snowy day.




  • Did you hear the one about Labor Day?
    It works for me!
  • One seventh of your life is spent on Monday.  However, the only person to get his work done by Friday was Robinson Crusoe.
  • If a train station is where the train stops, and a bus station is where the bus stops, what is a work station?
  • If all the cars in the United States were placed end to end, it would probably be Labor Day Weekend.  Doug Larson
  • 'It's a recession when your neighbour loses his job; it's a depression when you lose your own.' Harry S. Truman