October 31, 2009
(the images above were used with the permission of the owner, Connie Motala from HitLion
October 30, 2009
October 30, 2009
Q: Why don't witches wear panties?
A: So they can get a better grip on the broom!
An old couple get a knock at the door and see a little four year old standing
there "Twick or Tweat. she says so the old lady says "Aw ain't she cute? and
drops in apple into the bag and the girl looks up and says "Thanks a lot lady
you broke my f*ucking cookies!"
October 29, 2009
A husband and wife go visit a marriage
counselor. First, the wife speaks to the counselor alone. The counselor asks,
"You say you've been married 20 years, so what seems to be the problem?" The
wife replies, "It's my husband -- he's driving me crazy! I'm going to leave
him if he continues!" "How does he drive you crazy?" "For 20 years," she
says, "he's been doing these stupid things. First, whenever we go out, he's
always looking at the floor and refuses to go near anyone. It's very
The marriage counselor is amused, "Anything else?" "He keeps picking his nose
all the time! Even in public!" "Hmm, anything else?" probes the counselor
further. The wife hesitates, "whenever we're making love, he NEVER lets me be
on top! Once in a while, I'd like to be in control!"
"Ah," says the counselor, "I think I'll talk to your husband now." So the
wife goes out of the room and the husband enters. The counselor tells him,
"Your wife says that you've been driving her crazy. She might even leave
you." The husband looks shocked, "WHAT? For 20 years I've been loving and
considerate and I've always given her what she wants! What could be the
The counselor explains, "She says that you've got these habits that are
driving her crazy. First, you're always acting strange in public--looking at
the floor and never going near anyone else." The husband looks concerned,
"Oh, you don't understand! It's one of the few things my father told me to do
in his deathbed and I swore I'd obey everything he said." "What did he say?"
"He said that I should never step on anyone's toes!" The counselor looks
amused, "Actually, that means that you should not do anything that would
cause anyone else to get angry." The husband looks sheepish, "Oh. Okay." The
counselor continues, "And you keep picking your nose in public." "Well, its
another thing my father specifically commanded me to do! He told me to always
keep my nose clean."
The counselor looks faint, "That means that you should not indulge in any
criminal activity." "Oh," says the husband looking very stupid. "And finally,
she says that you never allow her to be on top during your lovemaking."
"This," says the husband seriously, "is the last thing my father commanded me
to do on his deathbed and it's the most important thing." "What did he say?"
The husband replies, "In his dying breath, he said. Don't screw up."
October 28, 2009
When Ralph first noticed that his penis was
growing larger and staying erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife.
But after several weeks his penis had grown to nearly twenty inches. Ralph
became quite concerned, so he and his wife went to see a prominent urologist.
After an initial examination, the physician explained to the couple that,
though rare, Ralph's condition could be cured through corrective surgery.
"How long will Ralph be on crutches?" the wife asked anxiously. "Crutches?
Why would he need crutches?" responded the surprised doctor. "Well," said the
wife, "you are planning to lengthen Ralph's legs, aren't you?"
A man is out shopping and
discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack.
Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made.
"Olympic condoms?", she blurts, "What makes them so special?" "There is three
colours", he replies, "Gold, Silver and Bronze." "What colour are you going
to wear tonight?", she asks cheekily. "Gold of course", says the man proudly.
The wife responds really, "Why don't you wear Silver, it would be nice if you
came second for a change!".
October 27, 2009
A bride who got a little too
drunk at her wedding reception was still determined to say a few words of
thanks to the guests for all their presents. She stumbled through a short
speech and then slowly turned to point to the presents on display, which
included a coffee percolator "And finally" she said "I do thank my new
parents-in-law for giving us such a beautiful perky copulator"
October 26, 2009
antlers and sucks blood? A Moos-quito
In Clinton, Maine a 500 pound moose jumped off an overpass on route I-95,
falling 18 feet to it's death. Witnesses say they overheard the moose scream
before jumping,..."Hey Rocky, watch me fly over this guardrail!"
October 25, 2009
Carved the pumpkin yesterday (pic to come) hence...
How do you talk to a pumpkin with three heads?
Hello, hello, hello.
- What did one Jack-o-lantern say to the other?
Cut it out!
- What is a pumpkin's favorite sport?
- Why do Jack-o-lanterns have stupid smiles on their faces?
You'd have a stupid smile, too, if you had just had all your brains scooped
- What's the ratio of a pumpkin's circumference to its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi (3.1428571428571428571428571428571)
- What do you get when you cross a snowman and a vampire?
- How do you repair a broken Jack-o-lantern?
Buy a pumpkin patch!
- What's black, white, orange, and waddles?
A penguin carrying a Jack-o-lantern.
- Why do pumpkins never quarrel?
Because they have no stomach for fighting.
October 24, 2009
A letter to the passport office:
I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot
How is it that Radio Shack has my address and telephone number and knows that
I bought a t.v. cable from them back in 1997, and yet, the Federal Government is
still asking me where I was born and on what date.
For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand?
My birth date you have on my social security card, and it is on all the
income tax forms I've filed for the past 30 years.
It is on my health insurance card, my driver's license, on the last eight
goddamn passports I've had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've
had to fill out before being allowed off the planes over the last 30 years, and
all those insufferable census forms that are done at election times.
Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is
Maryanne, my father's name is Robert and I'd be absolutely astounded if that
ever changed between now and when I die!!!!!!
SHIT! I apologize, I'm really pissed off this morning. Between you an' me,
I've had enough of this bullshit!
You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my fuckin' address.
What is going on? You have a gang of Neanderthal assholes workin' there! Look at
my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I don't want to dig up Yasser Arafat,
for shit sakes. I just want to go and park my ass on a sandy beach. And would
someone please tell me, why would you give a shit whether I plan on visiting a
farm in the next 15 days?
If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a chicken or a goat, believe
you me, I'd sure as hell not want to tell anyone!
Well, I have to go now, 'cause I have to go to the other end of the city and
get another fuckin' copy of my birth certificate, to the tune of $60.
Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to
assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day?? Nooooo, that'd be too
damn easy and maybe makes sense. You'd rather have us running all over the
fuckin' place like chickens with our heads cut off, then find some asshole to
confirm that it's really me on the goddamn picture - you know, the one where
we're not allowed to smile?! (fuckin' morons) Hey, you know why we can't smile?
We're totally pissed off!
Signed - An Irate fucking Citizen.
P.S. Remember what I said above about the picture and getting someone to
confirm that it's me? Well, my family has been in this country since 1776. I
have served in the military for something over 30 years and have had security
clearances up the yingyang. However, I have to get someone 'important' to verify
who I am - you know, someone like my doctor WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN COMMUNIST
October 23, 2009
First snow on the ground tonight (DAMN!) so
in honour of that not-so-memorable event, an opportunity to offend blondes
A blonde got lost in her car in a snow storm. She remembered what her dad
had once told her. "If you ever get stuck in a snow storm, wait for a snow
plow and follow it". Pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to
follow it. She followed the plow for about forty-five minutes. Finally the
driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. She explained
that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in the snow, to follow a
plow. The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with Wal-Mart; now you can
follow me over to K-Mart."
Three altar boys are standing in the snow with their pants down around
their ankles. They have their penis' in a snow bank. Sister Margaret sticks
her head out the window and says, "Boys! Boys! Whatever are you doing...
you're going to catch pneumonia. Put your penis' away." The tallest altar boy
turns around and yells, "Sister Margaret, don't worry, we know what we're
doing. Father Porter always likes a couple cold ones after work...
October 22, 2009
A man standing at a bus stop was
eating a hamburger. Next to him stood a lady with her little dog, which
became very excited at the smell of the man's supper and began whining and
jumping up at him. "Do you mind if I throw him a bit?" said the man to the
lady. "Not at all," she replied, whereupon the man picked the dog up and
threw it over a wall.
A crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young
woman wearing a tight leather skirt was waiting for a bus. As the bus stopped
and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight
to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached
behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her
enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to again take the step, only to
discover that she couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again
reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time
attempted the step. Once again, much to her embarrassment she could not raise
With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little
more and again was unable to take the step. About this time, a large guy who
was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her
gently on the step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, "How
dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"
The guy smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you,
but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kind'a figured we were friends."
October 21, 2009
Police officers George and Mary, had been
assigned to walk the beat. They had only been out a short while when Mary
said, "Damn, I was running late this morning after my workout and after I
showered, I forgot to put on my panties! We have to go back to the station to
get them." George replied, "We don't have to go back, just give the K-9 unit,
Fido, one sniff, and he will go fetch them for you."
It was a hot day and Mary didn't fell like heading back to the station, so
she lifted her skirt for the dog. Fido's nose shoots between her legs,
sniffing and snorting. After 10 seconds of sniffing, Fido's ears pick up, he
sniffs the wind, and he is off in a flash towards the station house. Five
minutes go by and no sign of Fido. Ten minutes pass, and the dog is nowhere
to be seen. Fifteen minutes pass, and they are starting to worry.
Twenty minutes pass, and they hear sirens in the distance. The sirens get
louder and louder. Suddenly, followed by a dozen police cars, Fido rounds the
corner with the Desk Sergeant's balls in his mouth.
October 20, 2009
Submitted by Lori
Found on the Refrigerator One Morning :
My Dear Wife,
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54
years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value
you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you
will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening
with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be
upset----I shall be home before midnight.
When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the
dining room table:
My Dear Husband,
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty
about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to
remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math
teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you
read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my
students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile,
and like your secretary, is 18 years old.
As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of math, you will
understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small
difference - 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.
Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.
October 19, 2009
The Toad Story
So, there's this yellow toad wandering around in the forest kinda pissed off
because he doesn't want to be yellow. Life would be easier if he were brown
like the other toads. He'd sure be less visible to predators for one thing.
Anyway... this yellow toad bumps into a fairy godmother. He begs her: "Fairy
godmother, please make me brown like the other toads. I am tired of being so
visible to predators and such."
The fairy godmother whips out her magic wand and says "Abracapokus! You're
The toad looks down and sees
that he is brown except for his package, which is still yellow. He says to
fairy godmother: "Wait a minute! My pecker's still yellow!"
To this the fairy godmother replies: "I don't do johnsons. You will have to
go see The Wizard of Oz for that." The toad thanks her and hops off on his
There is also a purple bear wandering about the very same woods. As luck
would have it, he encounters the very same fairy godmother. He implores her:
"Fairy godmother, please make me brown like the other bears. None of the lady
bears want to be seen with me on account of the hunters can spot me from a
She, being a nice fairy godmother, takes out her magic wand and says: "Pokuscadabra!
The bear looks down and sees that he is, in fact, brown with the exception of
the ole twig and berries, they remain purple. He says: "My wang is still
She says: "I don't do units, you will have to go see The Wizard of Oz for
To this the bear replies: "Well that's just dandy, but how the hell do I find
The Wizard of Oz?"
The fairy godmother answers: "That's easy... just follow the yellow dick
October 18, 2009
Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole
of their local golf course when a chap carrying a golf bag called out to them,
"Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up."
said, "You're welcome." So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the
company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked
the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"
"I'm a hit man," was the
"You're joking!" was the response.
"No, I'm not," he
said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's
rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools."
beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think
I might be able to see my house from here." So he picked up the rifle and looked
through the sight in the direction of his house. "Yeah, I can see my house all
right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my
wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked! What's that? Wait a minute,
that's my neighbor in there with her. He's naked as well! The bitch!" He turned
to the hit man, "How much do you charge for a hit?"
"I do a flat rate,
for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."
do two for me now?"
"Sure, what do you want?"
"First, shoot my
wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth. Then the neighbor,
he's a mate of mine, a bit of a lad, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a
The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly
still for a few minutes. "Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend
impatiently. "Just wait a moment, be patient," said the hit man calmly, "I think
I can save you a thousand dollars here....."
October 17, 2009
There was once a young man who, in his youth,
professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define
"great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff
that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them
scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing
October 16, 2009
A huge guy marries a tiny girl, and at the
wedding, one of his friends says to him, "How the hell do the two of you have
sex?" The big guy says, "I just sit there, naked, on a chair, she sits on
top, and I bob her up and down." His friend says, "You know, that don't sound
too bad." The big guy says, "Well, it's kind of like jerking off, only I got
somebody to talk to."
Two gay men decide that they
want to have a baby, but they don't want to adopt because they want the baby
to be as close to their own as possible. So they both masturbate into a cup
and have a doctor use their sperm to impregnate a female friend of theirs.
Nine months later, the two fags are looking at their baby in the hospital
nursery. All of the babies are crying and screaming except for theirs. "Wow,"
one of the gay men says, "Our baby is the most well behaved one in here." A
nurse who happens to be walking by says, "Now he's quiet, but wait till we
take the pacifier out of his ass."
October 15, 2009
Submitted by our regular contributor, Dick
Sometime this year, we taxpayers may receive an
Economic Stimulus payment.
This is a very exciting new program. I
will explain it using the Q and A format:
Q. What is an Economic Stimulus payment?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to
Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers.
Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Only a smidgen.
Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is that you will use the money to purchase a
high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.
Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China?
A. Shut up.
Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the American
economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:
* If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the
money will go to China .
* If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to
* If you purchase a computer, it will go to India.
* If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to
Mexico, Honduras and Guatemala.
* If you buy a car, it will go to Japan or South
* If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan.
* If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it
will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.
Instead, keep the money in the US by:
1 spending it at yard sales, or
2 going to ball games, or
3 spending it on prostitutes, or
4 beer, or
(These are the only American owned
businesses still operating in the US.)
I'm going to go to a ball game with a tattooed prostitute that
I met at a yard sale and we're going to drink beer all day!
October 14, 2009
Submitted by Larene
The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said,
I've got some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in
The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the
waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.
Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things
are good, and we celebrate when things
don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. So, lets
head to the club and have a martini.
After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were
some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually
approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what
the two were celebrating.. The woman told her friends they were drinking to
her impending end. "I've been diagnosed with AIDS."
The friends were aghast, gave the woman their
condolences and beat a hasty retreat.
After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered,
"Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your
friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that??"
"Because I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after
And THAT, my friends, is what is called, Putting Your Affairs In Order..
October 13, 2009
Woman rushes into her house one morning and yells to her husband,
"Sam, pack up your stuff. I just won the lottery!"
"Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?"
"Whatever. Just so you're out of the house by noon!"
A woman walked into a very busy
butcher's shop. Looking at meats and poultry on display, she suddenly
grabbed hold of a dressed chicken, she picked up one wing, sniffed it,
picked up the other wing and sniffed it, picked up one leg, sniffed it,
picked up the other leg, sniffed it. Just as she finished sniffing the
second leg, the butcher walked up to her and said, "Madam, could -you-
pass such a test?"
October 12, 2009
What did the mama turkey say to her naughty son?
If your papa could see you
now, he'd turn over in his gravy!
Asked to write a composition entitled,
"What I'm thankful for on Thanksgiving,"
little Timothy wrote, "I am thankful
that I'm not a turkey."
If a man
wants to eat a turkey on Thanksgiving, what does a turkey want?
simply wants to run away.
What did the turkeys sing on Thanksgiving
Ans- God save the kin.
What did the turkey say to the man who
tried to shoot it?
Ans- Liberty, Equality and Bad aim for all.
will a turkey with a dramatic bent of mind say to another turkey on Thanksgiving
Ans- To be or not to be roasted, that is the question.
pro football team had just finished their daily practice session when a large
turkey came strutting onto the field. While the players gazed in amazement, the
turkey walked up to the head coach and demanded a tryout. Everyone stared in
silence as the turkey caught pass after pass and ran right through the defensive
line. When the turkey returned to the sidelines, the coach shouted, "You're
terrific!!! Sign up for the season, and I'll see to it that you get a huge
bonus." "Forget the bonus," the turkey said, "All I want to know is, does the
season go past Thanksgiving Day?"
What key has legs and can't open
Gobbler said, "Doctor, help me! I can't stop acting like a
"I see," said the doctor. "How long have you had this
"Let me think a second. Mom laid the egg in 1954..."
October 10, 2009
Two Redneck hunters got a pilot to fly them into the far north for caribou hunting.
They were quite successful in their venture, and bagged six big bulls. The pilot
came back as arranged to pick them up.
They started loading their gear
into the plane, including the six caribou. But the pilot objected he said, "The
plane can take out only four of your caribou. You will have to leave two behind."
One of the hunters pushed forward, "Hey, last year our pilot let us take
out six caribou. It was the same model plane, same weather conditions, and
everything. What's with this? We want you to allow us to fly out just like last
Reluctantly the pilot finally permitted them to put all six caribou
aboard and the men all climbed in with their gear. But when they attempted to
take off and fly out of the valley, the little plane could not make it. They
crashed in the wilderness.
Climbing out of the wreckage, one Redneck
said to the other, "Do you know where we are?"
"I think so," replied the
other Redneck. "Yep! I think this is about 100 yards further along than where we
crashed last year!"
October 9, 2009
Three railroad workers,
a Chinese man, an Italian, and a redneck, are all sitting down to lunch.
The Chinese man says, "If I get another egg roll in my lunch, I'll kill
The Italian guy says, "If I get another slice of pizza, I'll kill myself."
The redneck says, "Iffin I get another ham hock, I'll kill myself."
The next day, all three men get the same lunches, so they throw themselves in
front of an oncoming train.
At the funeral the Chinese man's wife says, "If only I hadn't packed an egg
roll that day."
The Italian guy's wife says, "If only I hadn't packed a slice of pizza that
"Don't look at me," says the redneck's wife. "He done packed his own
October 8, 2009
Redneck Pick-up Lines
1) Did you fart, cause you blew me away.
2) Are your parents retarded, 'cause you're sure special.
3) My Love for you is like diarrhea ... I can't hold it in.
4) Do you have a library card, 'cause I'd like to sign you out.
5) Is there a mirror in your pants? Because I can see myself in them.
6) If you and I were Squirrels, I'd store my nuts in your hole.
7) You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light
8) "Fat Penguin!" I know you're going, 'huh?' "I just wanted to say something
that would break the ice."
9) I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your bed-rock.
10) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into
this cheap motel room.
11) Your eyes are as blue as window cleaner.
12) If you're going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the
and.... the best for last!
13) Your face reminds me of a wrench, every time I think of it my nuts
October 7, 2009
Redneck computer terms
BACKUP - What you do when you run across a skunk in the woods
BAR CODE - Them's the fight'n rules down at the local tavern
BUG - The reason you give for calling in sick
BYTE - What your pit bull dun to cusin Jethro
CACHE - Needed when you run out of food stamps
CHIP - Pasture muffins that you try not to step in
TERMINAL - Time to call the undertaker
CRASH - When you go to Junior's party uninvited
DIGITAL - The art of counting on your fingers
DISKETTE - Female Disco dancer
FAX - What you lie about to the IRS
HACKER - Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking
HARDCOPY - Picture looked at when selecting tattoos
INTERNET - Where cafeteria workers put their hair
KEYBOARD - Where you hang the keys to the John Deere
MAC - Big Bubba's favorite fast food
MEGAHERTZ - How your head feels after 17 beers
MODEM - What ya did when the grass and weeds got too tall
MOUSE PAD - Where Mickey and Minnie live
NETWORK - Scoop'n up a big fish before it breaks the line
ONLINE - Where to stay when taking the sobriety test
ROM - Where the pope lives
SCREEN - Helps keep the skeeters off the porch
SERIAL PORT - A red wine you drink with breakfast
SUPERCONDUCTOR - Amtrak's Employee of the year
October 6, 2009
Week continues. Actually the funniest one of all is on even I found too
offensive to post, but offensive not to rednecks but to another
"minority." Why am I telling you this? I guess just to prove I DO have a few standards.
young Southern boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 way through the
first semester, he has foolishly squandered what money his parents had
given him for school.
Then he gets an idea.
He calls his Redneck father.
"Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern education
are coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here that will
teach Fido how to talk!"
"That's absolutely amazing!" his father says. "How do I get him in that program?"
"Just send him down here with $1000," the boy says, "I'll get him into the course."
So, his father sends the dog and the $1000.
About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out.
The boy calls his father again.
"So how's Fido doing, son?" his father asks.
"Awesome, dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't
believe this, they've had such good results with this program, that
they've implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!"
"READ!?" says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program?"
"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class.
His father sends the money.
The boy has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out
that the dog can neither talk nor read. So he shoots the dog.
When he gets home, his father is all excited... "Where's Fido? I just can't wait to see him talk and read something!"
"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. This morning, when I got
out of the shower, Fido was in the living room kicking back in the
recliner, reading the morning paper, like he usually does. Then he
turned to me and asked: "Is your daddy still cheating on your mama and
messing' around with that cute little redhead next door" ?
The father says, "I hope you SHOT that damn dog".
"I sure did, Dad!" "I sure did!"
"That's my boy!"
October 5, 2009
Redneck week at Addixion? Actually this one was submitted by Dick a few days
ago but I had to alter it. Originally it was a Canadian girl, which made no
sense at all.
A Mexican, an Arab, and a
redneck girl are in the same bar.
When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out
his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces.
He says, 'In Mexico, our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the
same one twice.'
The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws it into the
air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces.
He says, 'In the Arab World, we have so much sand to make glasses that we
don't need to drink with the same one twice either.'
The redneck girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in one
gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her 45, and shoots the Mexican
and the Arab.
Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, she
says, 'In America we have so many illegal aliens that we don't have to drink
with the same ones twice.'
October 4, 2009
Half dressed redneck couple sitting on couch watching news
on TV with man's arm around the woman. The man says "Lookit them homo-sekshuls a
ruining the sanctity of our institution. We oughta go to San Francisco just to
show them liberals that marriage means one man, one woman. Right, Darlin'" The
woman replies, "That's right, Daddy."
October 3, 2009
Our dog left so many disgusting stains on our carpet that we
had to buy new carpet. I didn't want to be stupid about the new purchase, so I
cut the stains out of the old carpet. When the carpet guy asked what color we
wanted, I pulled out the stained patches and said, "Yeah, can you match this
A man and his four year old son are talking, when his son
asks him "Dad, what does a pussy look like?" The Dad confused, asks him " before
or after sex?" The kid says "Ummm before sex" So the dad says to him "Well have
u ever seen a beautiful red rose with soft red peddles." "yeah" says the
son."well what about after sex" he says to his dad. His dad replies " Have you
ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise"
October 2, 2009
At the card shop: A woman was
spending a long time looking at the cards, finally shaking her head, "No." A
clerk came over and asked, "May I help you?" "I don't know," said the woman.
"Do you have any 'Sorry I laughed at your dick' cards?"
A guy calls the hospital.
He says, "You gotta send help! My wife's going into labor!" The nurse says,
"Calm down. Is this her first child?" He says, "No! This is her f*cking
The pretty co-ed nervously
asked the doctor to perform an unusual operation: the removal of a large
chunk of green wax from her navel. Looking up from the ticklish task, the
physician asked, "How did this happen?"
"Let me put it this way, doc," the girl began. "My boyfriend likes to eat by
October 1, 2009
Cartoon to start off the month.