At the cinema a
man noticed a young woman sitting all by herself. He was excited to see she had
both hands under her skirt and was fingering herself furiously.
He moved to the
next seat to her and offered his help. She welcomed his help, and so the man
started fingering her like crazy. When he tired and withdrew his hand, he was
surprised to see her go back to work on herself with both hands.
Wasn't I good
enough?" he asked sheepishly. "Great," she said, "but these crabs are still
March 30, 2009
A young teenager comes home from
school and asks her mother, "Is it true what Rita just told me? That babies come
out of the same place where boys put their thingies?" "Yes, dear," replies her
mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and she wouldn't have to
explain it. "But then when I have a baby, won't it knock my teeth out?
Men's Mastercard Commercial
Cover Charge $15.00
Round of Drinks $23.00
Table Dance- $30.00
Another round of drinks $23.00
Couch dance and tips $50.00
A round of shots $34.00
Private dance in your hotel room $300.00
Being able to send her on her way and never have to hear her complain:
wife either has Alzheimer's or AIDS." Husband: "How can we find out which?"
Doctor: "I need you to run a little experiment this weekend. Take your wife to a
park and leave her there. If she finds her way home; don't f*ck her."
monthly visit to the corner barbershop, this fellow asked his barber for any
suggestions on how to treat his increasing baldness. After a brief pause, the
barber leaned over and confided that the best thing he'd come across was, er,
female juices. "But you're balder than I am," protested the customer. "True,"
admitted the barber, "but you've gotta admit I've got one hell of a mustache!"
March 28, 2009
A patient awakened after a serious operation only
to find herself in a room with all the blinds drawn. Why are all the blinds
closed?" she asked her doctor. Well, the surgeon responded, "They're fighting a
huge fire across the street, and we didn't want you to wake up and think the
operation had failed."
Young Bill was courting Mabel, who lived on
an adjoining farm out west in cattle country. One evening, as they were sitting
on Bill's porch watching the sun go down over the hills, Bill spied his prize
bull f*cking one of his cows. He sighed in contentment at this idyllic rural
scene and figured the omens were right for him to put the hard word on Mabel. He
leaned in close and whispered in her ear, "Mabel, I'd sure like to be doing what
that bull is doing." "Well then, why don't you? "Mabel whispered back. "It is
March 27, 2009
Two aliens landed in the West
Texas desert near an abandoned gas station. They approached one of the gas
pumps, and one of the aliens addressed it, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in
peace. Take us to your leader."
The gas pump, of course,
didn't respond. The alien repeated the greeting. There was no response. The
alien, annoyed by what he perceived to be the gas pump's haughty attitude, drew
his ray gun, and said impatiently, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. How
dare you ignore us in this way! Take us to your leader, or I'll fire!"
The other alien shouted to
his comrade "No, you don't want to make him mad!"
But before he finished his
warning, the first alien fired. There was a huge explosion that blew both of
them 200 meters into the desert, where t hey landed in a heap.
When they finally regained
consciousness, the one who fired turned to the other one and said, "What a
ferocious creature. It damn near killed us! How did you know it was so
The other alien answered, "If
there's one thing I've learned during my travels through the galaxy...any guy
who can wrap his dick around himself twice and then stick it in his own ear, is
someone you shouldn't mess with!"
March 26, 2009
dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman.
Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave
the key under the mat.
"Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check".
"Oh, by the way don't worry about my dog Spike He won't bother you.
"But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!"
"I REPEAT; DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"
When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered
the biggest, meanest looking dog he has ever seen.
But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the
repairman go about his work.
The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling,
cursing and name calling.
Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled,
"Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"
To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"
See - Men just don't listen!
March 25, 2009
A tall woman met a midget at a
party. The midget was barely three feet tall but they were attracted to each
other. After a few drinks they went back to the tall woman's apartment.
"I can't imagine what
it will be like making love to a midget," said the woman, "especially with the
size difference and all."
"Just take off your
clothes, lie back on the bed, spread your legs apart and close your eyes," said
the midget. The woman did as she was told and soon she felt the biggest thing
she'd ever experienced inside her. Within a few minutes the woman had climaxed
"If you think that was
good," said the midget with a smirk, "Just wait till I get BOTH legs in there!"
March 24, 2009
A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the
barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave
around the cheeks. "I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small
wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."
The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest
shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes, the client asks in
garbled speech, "And what if I swallow it?"
"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else
An old Indian
was asked the name of his wife.
He replied, "Wife Name - Three Horse."
"That's an unusual name for your wife, Three Horse. What does it mean?"
"It's an old Indian name. Means Nag, Nag, Nag."
March 23, 2009
Charlie was visiting an old friend
and his wife for dinner. When the time came to leave, his car wouldn't start,
and it was too late to call the local service station.
The husband urged Charlie to stay over. There was no spare bed in the house;
there wasn't even a sofa. So Charlie would have to sleep with the husband and
No sooner had the husband fallen asleep when the wife taped Charlie on the
shoulder and motioned for him to come over to her.
"I couldn't do that," he whispered. "Your husband is my best friend!"
"Listen, sugar," she whispered back, "there ain't nothing in the whole wide
world could wake him up now."
"I can't believe that," Charlie said. "Certainly if I get on top of you and
screw you, he'll wake up won't he?
"Sugar, he certainly won't. If you don't believe me, pluck a hair out of his
asshole and see if that wakes him."
Charlie did just that. He was amazed when the husband remained asleep. So he
climbed over to the wife's side of the bed and f*cked her. When he finished, he
climbed back to his own side. It wasn't long before she tapped him on the
shoulder and beckoned him over again. Again he pulled a hair to determine if his
old friend was asleep. This went on eight times during the night. Each time
Charlie screwed the woman, he first pulled out one of the husband's asshole
The ninth time he pulled a hair, the husband awoke and muttered: "Listen,
Charlie, old pal, I don't mind you f*cking my wife, but for Pete's sake, stop
using my ass for a scoreboard!"
March 22, 2009
Italian nuns die and go to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St.
Peter. He says "Sisters, you all led such wonderful lives that I'm granting you
six months to go back to earth and be anyone you want to be."
The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren;" and *poof* she's gone.
The second says, "I want to be Madonna;" and *poof* she's gone.
The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini."
St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he says.
"Sara Pipalini;" replies the nun.
St. Peter shakes his head and says; "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring
The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter. He
reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says "No
sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men
in 6 months."
March 21, 2009
"Titanic" vs Bill Clinton's "My Life"
One student turned in the following book report, with the proposition
that they were nearly identical stories!
His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report.
Titanic:.... Cost - $29.99
Clinton :..... Cost - $29.99
Titanic:..... Over 3 hours to read
Clinton :... Over 3 hours to read
Titanic:..... The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent
Clinton :.... The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent
Titanic:.... Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton :...... Bill is a bullshit artist.
Titanic:.... In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton :.... Ditto for Bill.
Titanic:.... During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton :..... Ditto for Monica.
Titanic:..... Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton :... Let's not go there.
Titanic:..... Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
Clinton :.... Monica' s forced to return her gifts.
Titanic:..... Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life..
Clinton :..... Clinton doesn't remember Jack.
Titanic:..... Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton :..... Monica.. ooh, let's not go there, either.
Titanic:..... Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton :..... Bill goes home to Hillary - basically the same thing
March 20, 2009
A vampire goes
into a pub and asks for boiling water. The barman says "I thought you only drank
blood?" The vampire pulls out a used tampon and says "I'm making tea".
A ninety year old lady is on her way to the
gynecologist due to a itchy rash in her puss... when she gets there the doctor
checked her out and asked "when is the last time you've had sex?" the old lady
tells the doctor that she is still a virgin.. he checks her out again and the
doctor tells the lady "I don't really have a medical term for this, so I will be
blunt...Your cherry has rotted"
March 19, 2009
"Mom, may I take the dog for a walk
around the block?" a little girl asked. "No, I don't think so. Fifi is in heat,"
replied the mother. "What does that mean?" asked the child. Embarrassed and not
wanting to get into a biological discussion with her young daughter, the Mother
said, "Oh, just go ask your father. I think he is in the garage."
The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Fifi for a walk
around the block? I asked Mom, but she said that Fifi was in heat, and that I
had to come talk to you." Not wanting to have the biological discussion either,
the father said, "Bring Fifi over here." He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline,
and scrubbed the dog's rear end with it. "Okay, now you can go for a walk but
keep Fifi on the leash and you can only go around the block once."
The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with NO DOG on the leash.
"Where is Fifi?" her father asked. "She should be here in a minute," advised the
daughter. "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block and another dog is
pushing her home."
March 18, 2009
naive British sailor is in a bar in London. He meets a wild girl, and she takes
him upstairs. She takes off her pants and her panties.
He looks between her legs, and he says, "What's that?"
She says, "It's me lower mouth."
He says, "What do you mean, 'your lower mouth?'"
She says, "Just what I said, it's me lower mouth. It's got a moustache... It's
He asks, "Has it got a tongue in it?"
She says, "Not yet. . ."
March 17, 2009
St. Patrick's Day
SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to
satisfy and the front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open when drinking or glass applied to wrong part of face.
SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
SYMPTOM: Everyone looks hideous.
FAULT: Either you haven't had enough to drink, or they've flipped on the lights
for last call.
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar
and asks if he could buy him a drink.
"Why of course," comes the reply.
The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"
"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.
The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another
round to Ireland."
"Of Course," replies the second man.
Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?"
"Dublin," comes the reply.
"I can't believe it," says the first man.
"I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."
"Of course," replies the second man.
Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks:
"What school did you go to?"
"Saint Mary's," replies the second man.
"I graduated in '62."
"This is unbelievable!" the first man says.
"I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"
About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.
"What's been going on?" he asks the bartender.
"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."
March 16, 2009
A policeman sends his wife and kid to a resort for a
vacation. After a week he joined them in the hotel. As soon as he came to the
hotel room he wanted to make love to his wife and gave her "the look".
Whispering under her breath, the wife says "No darling, we can't do it here, our
kid is watching!" Husband replies, "You're right, lets go to the beach."
After a while they make their way to the beach, they start to make love on an
empty beach. All of a sudden, a policeman walks up to them. "Put your clothes on
immediately, shame on you, you can't do that in public!" Embarrassed, the
husband admits "You are right, but I had a moment of weakness. We hadn't seen
each other for an entire week. Now, I'm a policeman too, and it would be very
embarrassing if you fine me."
The cop thought for a second and said "Don't worry... you are a colleague and it
is your first time. But this is the third time I caught this bitch making love
on this beach in the last week and she will have to pay."
March 15, 2009
I looked all over for an "Ides of March" joke. This
was the best I could find. Sorry.........
Beware the Ides of March
It's a little known fact that Julius Caesar
did not die from stab wounds by Brutus, but, rather, was poisoned. During a
sumptuous banquet which they both attended on that fateful Ides of March, Brutus
slipped some poisonous hemlock leaves onto Julius' salad. (Thus making the
world's first Caesar's salad - no, that's not the joke, wait for it....)
When Julius slumped over into his salad,
Brutus feigned concern and asked, "My dear friend Julius, how many hemlock
leaves have you eaten?" To which Julius gasped in reply:
"Ate two, Brute."
March 14, 2009
A man goes to a shrink and
says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's
bar and picks up men. In fact, She sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going
crazy. What do you think I should do?" "Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep
breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"
March 13, 2009
An old man in the nursing home got a bottle of wine
for his birthday. He talked the old lady in the next room into sharing it with
After they were both totally bombed, he started groping the old lady and pulling
at her clothes. He managed to get her blouse and bra off before she stopped him.
She said, "I can't do this, I have acute angina".
The old guy says "God, I hope so, you've got the ugliest tits I've ever seen."
March 12, 2009
A guy walks into a bar with his
midget wife and takes a stool, with his wife standing next to him. The bartender
was busy at the other end and didn't see them when they walked in. When he got
done serving the customers there, he walked down the bar and asks the new
customer what he would like.
He asks for two glasses of
beer, which the barman brings. After leaving him, the bartender goes about
serving other patrons, when he notices the man has finished his beers. He asks
if he would like a refill, and the man says, "Yes. I'll have a couple more. "The
barman gets two more beers and sets them in front of the man. Never having seen
anyone with the guy, his curiosity is piqued, and he asks him, "Why, do you
order two drinks at a time?"
The man replies, "Oh, one is for me, and the other for my wife."
Astounded, having not seen the midget wife, the bartender says, "Your wife?
Where is she?"
"She's standing here next to me."
The bartender, standing on his toes, leaning forward looking over the edge of
the bar, utters, "Well, I'll be God damned, she ain't any bigger than your
The man replies, "No, but she's a lot better!"
March 11, 2009
Three fishermen catch a mermaid. If they agree
to set her free, she will grant them each a wish.
The first guy says, "OK, I want you to double my I.Q." Immediately, the guy
recites Shakespeare flawlessly.
The second guy asks the mermaid to triple his I.Q. Suddenly, he's spouting
complicated mathematical solutions.
Impressed, the last guy asks the mermaid to quintuple his I.Q. The mermaid
hesitates and asks, "Are you sure that's what you really want?"
"Absolutely!" says the man.
The mermaid smiles. Instantly, the third man turns into a woman.
March 10, 2009
A recently widowed Jewish lady,
was sitting on a beach towel at Cocoa Beach, Florida. She looked up and noticed
that a man her age had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand nearby and
began reading a book.
Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "Hello, sir, how
"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.
"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.
"First time since my wife passed away last year," he replied, and again turned
back to his book.
"Do you live around here?" she asked.
"Yes, I live over in Suntree," he answered, and then resumed reading.
Trying to find a topic of common interest, Sarah persisted. "Do you like
With that, the man threw his book down, jumped off his blanket onto hers, tore
off both their swimsuits and gave her the most passionate ride of her life!
As the cloud of sand began to settle, Sarah gasped and asked the man, "How did
you know that was what I wanted?"
The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"
March 9, 2009
Throwing Political Correctness out the window once
A rabbi and a priest were having coffee
together in a coffee shop. A young boy walks by outside the window. The
priest looks out at him and exclaims:
"Look at that! I would love to screw him!"
The rabbi gets a puzzled look on his face:
"Out of what?"
March 8, 2009
A married couple was on holiday
in Pakistan. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and
such, when they passed a small sandal shop. From inside they heard a gentleman
with a Pakistani accent say, "You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble
So the couple walked in and the shopkeeper says to them, "I have some special
sandals I think you would be interested in. They have special power. Dey make
you wild at sex like a great desert camel." Well, the wife was really interested
in buying the sandals after what the shopkeeper claimed, but her husband felt he
really didn't need them, being the sex God he was.
The husband asked the man, "How could sandals improve my abilities?" The
Pakistani man replied, "Just try dem on, Saiheeb. The sandals will prove it to
you." Well, the husband, after much badgering from his wife, finally conceded to
try them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in
his eyes; something his wife hadn't seen in many years: raw sexual power!
In a blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Pakistani man, bent him violently
over a table, yanked down the man's pants and his own, and grabbed firm hold of
the Pakistani's thighs. The Pakistani then began screaming, "YOU HAVE DEM ON DE
March 7, 2009
A guy starts a new job, and the boss says, "If you
marry my daughter, I'll make you a partner, give you an expense account, a
Mercedes, and a million dollar annual salary."
The guy says, "What's wrong with her?"
The boss shows him a picture, and she's hideous.
The boss says, "It's only fair to tell you, she's not only ugly, she's as dumb
as a wall."
The guy says, "I don't care what you offer me, it ain't worth it."
The boss says, "I'll give you a five million dollar salary and build you a
mansion on Long Island."
The guy accepts, figuring he can put a bag over her head when they have sex.
About a year later, the guy buys an original Van Gogh and he's about to hang it
on the wall.
He climbs a ladder and yells to his wife, "Bring me a hammer."
She mumbles, "Get the hammer. Get the hammer," and she fetches the hammer.
The guy says, "Get me some nails."
She mumbles, "Get the nails. Get the nails," and she gets him some nails.
The guys starts hammering a nail into the wall, he hits his thumb, and he yells,
She mumbles, "Get the bag. Get the bag."
March 6, 2009
Submitted by Nizzy
Women over 50 don't have babies because they
would put them down and forget where they left them.
A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills... she has 14
kids but doesn't really care.
One of life's mysteries is how a 2-pound box of chocolates can make a woman gain
My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.
The best way to forget your troubles is to wear tight shoes.
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you
are doing, someone else does.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body
and your fat are really good friends.
Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
Sometimes I think I understand everything, and then I regain consciousness.
I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting
fire to my knickers.
Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks 2 sizes!
Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like...'You know
sometimes I forget to eat!' ......Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's
maiden name and my keys, but I have never forgotten to eat. You have to be a
special kind of stupid to forget to eat!
The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then
they marry him.
I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too
much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That's my idea of
a perfect day!
March 5, 2009
When her husband passed
away, the wife put the usual death notice in the newspaper, but added that he
had died of gonorrhea.
Once the daily newspapers had been
delivered, a good friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, "You know
very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea."
Replied the widow, "Yes, I know that he died
of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a
great lover rather than the big shit that he really was."
March 4, 2009
A guy goes into a
drug store to buy condoms. The girl behind the counter says, "What size?"
He says, "I don't know."
She holds up a finger and says, "That big?"
He says, "Bigger."
She holds up three fingers and says, "That big?"
He says, "Smaller?"
She holds up two fingers and he says, "That's it."
She puts the two fingers in her mouth and says, "Medium."
March 3, 2009
A trucker goes into
a whorehouse and hands the Madam five hundred dollars.
"I want your ugliest woman and a bologna sandwich."
The Madam says,
"For that kind of money, you could have one of my finest girls and surf and
trucker says, "I'm not horny, I'm homesick."
March 2, 2009
What a woman says...
This place is a mess! C'mon!
You and I need to clean up!
Your stuff is lying on the floor and
You'll have no clothes to wear if we
don't do laundry right now!
What a man hears...
blah blah blah blah blah C'MON!
YOU AND I blah blah blah blah!
blah blah blah blah ON THE FLOOR blah
blah blah NO CLOTHES blah blah blah blah
blah blah blah RIGHT NOW!
March 1, 2009
Submitted by Denis
Evolution of Job-Related Stress
Day One: You listen to Stevie Wonder. It's your very first day and life is
After 3 months: You listen to "House" Music. You're overloaded
After 6 months: You listen to Heavy Metal. You're starting to see double
because you work from 8 to midnight
After 9 months: You listen to Hip Hop. You've gotten fat and you suffer from
After 1 year: You listen to Gangsta Rap. Your eyes blink and you live on
After 2 years: You listen to Techno. You've become a
At the end of several years: