August is kind of a sad month for me. Especially the end of August. Late August means summer is coming to an end, and we all know what comes after that!
August 31, 2009
I've been on the road a long time. I haven't really had the chance to see my girlfriend. She called me up; she wanted us to have phone sex. I'm not really into phone sex, but to make her happy, we had the phone sex. It was really nice -- until I got the receiver stuck in my butt.
August 30, 2009
After hearing a couple's complaints that their intimate life wasn't what it used to be, the sex counselor suggested they vary their position. "For example," he suggested, "you might try the wheelbarrow. Lift her legs from behind and off you go." The eager husband was all for trying this new idea as soon as they got home.
okay," the hesitant wife agreed, "but on two conditions. First, if it
hurts you have to stop right away, and second..." she
An old man woke up in the middle of the night and found, to his utter astonishment, that his pecker was as hard as a rock for the first time in two years. He shook his wife by the shoulder until she woke up and showed her his enormous boner. "Check this out!" he happily exclaimed. "What do you think we should do with it?"
With one eye open, his wife replied, "Well, now that you've got all the wrinkles out, now would be a good time to wash it."
A businessman and his secretary, overcome by passion, go to his house for an early afternoon quickie. "Don't worry," he assures her, "my wife is out of town on a business trip, so there's no risk." As one thing leads to another, the woman reaches into her purse and suddenly gasps, "We have to stop! I forgot to bring birth control!" "No problem," he replies, "I'll get my wife's diaphragm." After a few minutes of searching, he returns to the bedroom in a fury.
"That witch!" he exclaims. "She took it with her! I always knew she didn't trust me!"
August 27, 2009
Three guys were on a trip to Saudi Arabia. One day, they stumbled into
a harem tent filled with over 100 beautiful women. They started getting
friendly with all the women, when suddenly the Sheik came in. "I am the
master of all these women. No one else can touch them except me. You three
men must pay for what you have done today.
August 26, 2009
In pharmacology, all drugs have a generic name, Tylenol is Acetaminophen, Advil is Ibuprofen, and so on. The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra, and announced today that they have settled on Mycoxafloppin.
A waitress walks up to one of her tables in a New York City restaurant and notices that the three Japanese businessmen seated there are furiously masturbating. She says, "What the hell do you guys think you are doing?" One of the Japanese men says, "Can't you see? We are all berry hungry." The waitress says, "So how is whacking-off in the middle of the restaurant going to help that situation??" One of the other businessmen replies: "The menu say, FIRST COME, FIRST SERVED!"
A guy walks into a local pharmacy and walks up to the counter where a lady pharmacist is filling prescriptions. When she finally gets around to helping him he says, "I'd like 99 condoms please". With a surprised look on her face the pharmacist says, "99 Condoms!?! F*ck me!" to which the guy replies, "Make it 100 then..."
August 25, 2009
Submitted by Cathy..........via roundabout methods
Will I Live to see 80?
August 24, 2009
A boy was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down. "Grandpa what are you doing?" he exclaimed. The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him. "Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again. The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This is your Grandma's idea."
August 23, 2009
Dear Revenue Canada (or whatever your current
name may be):
August 20, 2009
A Mafia Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walks into a room to meet with his former accountant. The Godfather asks the accountant, "Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?" The accountant does not answer.
The Godfather asks again, "Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?"
The attorney interrupts, "Sir, the man is a deaf mute and cannot understand you, but I can interpret for you."
The Godfather says, "Well ask him where my damn
The accountant signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."
The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He doesn't know what you are talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a 9 millimeter pistol, puts it to the temple of the accountant, cocks the trigger and says, "Ask him again where my damn money is!"
The attorney signs to the accountant, "He wants to know where it is!"
The accountant signs back, "OK! OK! OK! The money is hidden in a brown suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!"
The Godfather says, "Well....what did he say?"
The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He says...go to hell... ..that you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."
August 19, 2009
A woman and a
man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are
totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.
August 18, 2009
A man goes to the
doctor with a long history of migraine headaches. When the doctor does his
history and physical, he discovers that his poor patient has had practically
every therapy known to man for his migraines and STILL no improvement.
August 17, 2009
Sam has been in the computer business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Vermont as far from humanity as possible. Sam sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it’s total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, he’s finishing dinner when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there stands a big, bearded Vermonter. “Names Enoch, your neighbor from four miles over the ridge. Having a party Saturday, thought you’d like to come.”
“Great,” says Sam, “after six months of this I’m ready to meet some local folks. Thank you.”
As Enoch is leaving he stops, “Gotta warn you there’s gonna be some drinkin’.”
“Not a problem. After 25 years in the computer business, I can drink with the best of ‘em.”
Again, as he starts to leave Enoch stops. “More’n likely gonna be some fightin’ too.”
Damn, Sam thinks…tough crowd. “Well, I get along well with people. I’ll be there. Thanks again.”
Once again Enoch turns from the door. “I’ve seen some wild sex at these parties, too.”
“Now that’s not a problem”, says Sam. “Remember, I’ve been alone for six months. By the way, what should I wear?
Enoch stops in the door again and says, “Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us.”
August 16, 2009
Yo' Mama is so stupid, she took her remote control to the movies.
August 14, 2009
10. "We have a lost child at gate D-4, the bidding will start at $20."
9. "I'm sorry madam, but we cannot allow you to bring your cat on board. We don't yet know the effects of high radiation on our feline friends. And we are required to check your bags."
8. "Yes sir, we are aware of the biohazard tag on your luggage and no, you don't want to know its origin. I recommend you refrain from opening your suitcase."
7. "Yes sir, importing Cuban cigars is illegal, that's why the security officer had to confiscate them. What? He's smoking them? Hey! You rat! Save some for me!"
6. "I'm sorry madam, but our insurance policy does not cover punctures in your bags caused by our checking attendants. No, it also does not cover airline crashes. It does cover explosions prior to takeoff, however, and is our most commonly purchased package."
5. "Attention all airline passengers, your flight has been delayed."
4. "For those who have never flown before or who have never heard about the concept of a flying machine: We are currently experiencing 'turbulence,' a common by-product of 'air travel.' Please refrain from screams of mortal danger until we've safely landed."
3. "Madam, please take your food now, the tongs are melting."
2. "We apologize for the delay. Due to extenuating circumstances, our pilot is experiencing difficulties with his sobriety level. Please allow sufficient time for him to have additional shots of tequila."
1. "This is your captain speaking, on the left you can now observe the majestic Mount Kilamanjar... oh, crap!"
August 13, 2009
You can't bring tweezers on an
August 12, 2009
A minister is driving down to New York to see a show and he’s stopped in Connecticut for speeding. The state trooper smells alcohol on his breath and then he sees an empty wine bottle on the floor, and he says, “Sir, have you been drinking?” And the minister says, “Just water.” The sheriff says, “Then why do I smell wine?” And the minister looks down at the bottle and says, “Good Lord, He’s done it again!”
One day when Satan and God were having a weekly meeting (something Satan had started a few years previously. He got the idea from a new breed of residents called management consultants that had turned up in hell and told the most awful lies about how they had improved everything in their earthly life. In reality they had actually caused hell on earth), Satan started to boast that he was cleaning up the part of hell where he had to live. As a result of some engineering there was now clean water and no waste and corruption at all in his part of hell.
God got quite annoyed at this and said that all engineers belong in heaven not hell. Satan said, “Well some people who had once been engineers, had become managers instead and had slipped your net, but they still knew enough about engineering to do some good”.
A man went to visit his 90 year old grandfather and while eating the breakfast of eggs and bacon prepared for him, he noticed a film-like substance on his plate. So he says, “Grandfather, are these plates clean?” His grandfather replies, “Those plates are as clean as cold water can get them, so go on and finish your meal.” That afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his grandfather made for lunch, he noticed many little black specks around the edge of his plate so again he asked, “Grandfather are you sure these plates are clean?” Without looking up from his burger, the grandfather says, “I told you those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them, now don't ask me about it anymore.” Well, later that day, they were on their way out to get dinner. As he was leaving the house, grandfather’s dog who was lying on the floor started to growl and would not let him pass. “Grandfather, your dog won't let me out.” Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching, his grandfather shouted, “Coldwater, get out of the way!”
August 11, 2009
Reasons Studying is better than Sex
August 10, 2009
Once there was a little boy who was curious about what a strip club was like so one day he decided to sneak into one. Once he was in, he watched as the strippers danced. He watched until they started taking of their clothing. That's when he bolted out the door and started running down the street and into a man. The man asks the boy, "What's wrong young man? You look like you just saw a ghost!". The little boy replies, "My mommy and daddy told me that if I ever watched anybody undress, I'd turn to stone...and all of a sudden I felt something hard!".
August 9, 2009
Top Ten Reasons To Work An Overtime Shift On The Weekend
August 6, 2009
One day, a man walks into a
dentist's office and asks how much it will cost to extract wisdom teeth.
"Marvelous," says the man,
August 5, 2009
He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.
Shamus said, "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all." Murphy replied, "Don't worry - just follow me."
He went in to the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson whisky.
Shamus said, "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!" Murphy replied,
"Don't worry, I have a plan. Cheers!" They downed their drinks.
Murphy said, "Ok, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth."
The barman noticed them, went berserk and threw them out.
They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk all for free. At the tenth pub, Shamus said, "Murphy, I don't think I can do any more o'this. Me knees are killin' me!" Murphy said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub."
August 4, 2009
August 3, 2009
My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandpa, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo while I asked, "No, how are we alike?" "You're both old," he replied.
A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor. She told him she was writing a story. "What's it about?" he asked. "I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."
A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties. They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster. "No, said another, "he's just for good luck." A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs", she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant
August 2, 2009
A young man volunteered to babysit one night so his mom
could have an evening out. At bedtime he sent the youngsters upstairs to bed and
settled down to watch football. One child kept creeping down the stairs, but the
young man kept sending him back.
Who is the greatest baby-sitter mentioned in the
How many babysitters does it take to change a light
August 1, 2009
A young doctor had moved into town and was setting up a new practice. He had a new sign painted and hung it in front of his office, proclaiming his specialties: "Homosexuals & Hemorrhoids."
The town fathers were upset with the sign and asked him please to change it. The Doctor was eager to please, so he put up a new sign: "Queers & Rears."
The town fathers were really fuming about that one, so they demanded that the Doctor come up with a decent sign that would not offend the townspeople. So the Doctor came up with an acceptable sign: "Odds & Ends."