August 2009

August is kind of a sad month for me. Especially the end of August. Late August means summer is coming to an end, and we all know what comes after that!

So what else is there to do about it than to crack a few jokes, and at least try to ignore what lies ahead?

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August 31, 2009

I've been on the road a long time. I haven't really had the chance to see my girlfriend. She called me up; she wanted us to have phone sex. I'm not really into phone sex, but to make her happy, we had the phone sex. It was really nice -- until I got the receiver stuck in my butt.

August 30, 2009

There was a papa mole, a mamma mole, and a baby mole. They lived in a hole out in the country near a farmhouse.
Papa mole poked his head out of the hole and said, "Mmmm, I smell sausage!"
Mamma mole poked her head outside the hole and said, "Mmmm, I smell pancakes!"
Baby mole tried to stick his head outside but couldn't because of the two bigger moles.
Baby mole said, "The only thing I smell is molasses."


A blind man walks in to a department store with his seeing eye dog on a leash. As usual the store manager behind the customer service counter looks up, notices the customer is blind, and not wanting to stare quickly looks away again.
Out of the corner of his eye the manager sees the blind man start swinging the dog over his head with its leash. Shocked, the manager runs over and says "Mister is there a problem - is there anything I can help you with?"
The blind man calmly replies "No thanks - I'm just looking around."

August 29, 2009

Fish jokes, just because

Where do shellfish go to borrow money ?  To the prawn broker !

What do you call a big fish who makes you an offer you can't refuse ? The Codfather !

 How could the dolphin afford to buy a house ? He prawned everything !

Which fish can perform operations ? A Sturgeon !

What happened to the shark who swallowed a bunch of keys ? He got lockjaw !

Where do fish wash ? In a river basin !

Why did the whale cross the road ? To get to the other tide !

 Where do little fishes go every morning ? To plaice school !

 What fish goes up the river at 100mph ? A motor pike !

 What do you get from a bad-tempered shark ? As far away as possible !

August 28, 2009

After hearing a couple's complaints that their intimate life wasn't what it used to be, the sex counselor suggested they vary their position. "For example," he suggested, "you might try the wheelbarrow. Lift her legs from behind and off you go." The eager husband was all for trying this new idea as soon as they got home.

 "Well, okay," the hesitant wife agreed, "but on two conditions. First, if it hurts you have to stop right away, and second..." she 
continued, "you have to promise we won't go past my parents' house." 

An old man woke up in the middle of the night and found, to his utter astonishment, that his pecker was as hard as a rock for the first time in two years. He shook his wife by the shoulder until she woke up and showed her his enormous boner. "Check this out!" he happily exclaimed. "What do you think we should do with it?"

With one eye open, his wife replied, "Well, now that you've got all the wrinkles out, now would be a good time to wash it." 

A businessman and his secretary, overcome by passion, go to his house for an early afternoon quickie. "Don't worry," he assures her, "my wife is out of town on a business trip, so there's no risk." As one thing leads to another, the woman reaches into her purse and suddenly gasps, "We have to stop! I forgot to bring birth control!" "No problem," he replies, "I'll get my wife's diaphragm." After a few minutes of searching, he returns to the bedroom in a fury.

"That witch!" he exclaims. "She took it with her! I always knew she didn't trust me!" 

August 27, 2009

Three guys were on a trip to Saudi Arabia. One day, they stumbled into a harem tent filled with over 100 beautiful women. They started getting friendly with all the women, when suddenly the Sheik came in. "I am the master of all these women. No one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have done today. 

You will be punished in a way corresponding to your profession." The sheik turns to the first man and asks him what he does for a living. "I'm a cop", says the first man. "Then we will shoot your penis off!", said the sheik. He then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living. "I'm a firemen", said the second man. "Then we will burn your penis off!", said the sheik.

Finally, he asked the last man, "And you, what do you do for a living?" And the third man answered, with a sly grin, "I'm a lollipop salesman!"

August 26, 2009

In pharmacology, all drugs have a generic name, Tylenol is Acetaminophen, Advil is Ibuprofen, and so on. The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra, and announced today that they have settled on Mycoxafloppin.

A waitress walks up to one of her tables in a New York City restaurant and notices that the three Japanese businessmen seated there are furiously masturbating. She says, "What the hell do you guys think you are doing?" One of the Japanese men says, "Can't you see? We are all berry hungry." The waitress says, "So how is whacking-off in the middle of the restaurant going to help that situation??" One of the other businessmen replies: "The menu say, FIRST COME, FIRST SERVED!"

A guy walks into a local pharmacy and walks up to the counter where a lady pharmacist is filling prescriptions. When she finally gets around to helping him he says, "I'd like 99 condoms please". With a surprised look on her face the pharmacist says, "99 Condoms!?! F*ck me!" to which the guy replies, "Make it 100 then..."

August 25, 2009

Submitted by Cathy..........via roundabout methods

Will I Live to see 80?

Here's something to think about.

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age (I just turned 60).

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?' He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or martinis?'
'Oh no,' I replied.. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'

Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?
'I said, 'Not much... my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'

'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'
'No, I don't,' I said.

He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'
'No,' I said.

He looked at me and said,... 'Then, why do you even care?

August 24, 2009

A boy was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down. "Grandpa what are you doing?" he exclaimed. The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him. "Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again. The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This is your Grandma's idea."

August 23, 2009

"Look at that speed!" said one hawk to another as the jet fighter plane hurtled over their heads.
"Hmph!" snorted the other. "You would fly fast too if your tail was on fire!"

August 22, 2009

In honour of that mini United Nations I work with....

August 21, 2009

Dear Revenue Canada (or whatever your current name may be):

Enclosed and/or attached, you will find my 2007 tax return showing that I owe $3,407.00 in taxes.

Please note the attached article from the Toronto Globe and Mail; dated 12 November, wherein you will see the Canadian Department of National Defence is paying $171.50 per hammer and Fisheries and Oceans Canada has paid $600.00 per toilet seat for it's icebreakers.

As payment, I am enclosing four (4) toilet seats (valued @ $2,400) and six (6) hammers valued @ $1,029), which I secured at Canadian Tire, bringing my total remittance to $3,429.00.

Please apply the overpayment of $22.00 to the 'Help Stephan Dion Election Fund,' as noted on my return.

You can do this inexpensively by sending them one (1) 1.5' Phillips Head screw (see aforementioned article from The Globe and Mail detailing how the Department of Public Works pays $22.00 each for 1.5' Phillips Head Screws). One Philips screw is enclosed for your convenience.

It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year.

God Bless Canada !

Tax Payer

August 20, 2009

The Godfather

A Mafia Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walks into a room to meet with his former accountant. The Godfather asks the accountant, "Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?" The accountant does not answer.

The Godfather asks again, "Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?"

The attorney interrupts, "Sir, the man is a deaf mute and cannot understand you, but I can interpret for you."

The Godfather says, "Well ask him where my damn money is!"

The accountant signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."

The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He doesn't know what you are talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a 9 millimeter pistol, puts it to the temple of the accountant, cocks the trigger and says, "Ask him again where my damn money is!"

The attorney signs to the accountant, "He wants to know where it is!"

The accountant signs back, "OK! OK! OK! The money is hidden in a brown suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!"

The Godfather says, "Well....what did he say?"

The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He says...go to hell... ..that you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."

August 19, 2009

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man, that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."

Flattered, the man replied, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely!"

"This must be a sign from God!" The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."

Then she hands the bottle to the man, The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.

The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."

August 18, 2009

A man goes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches. When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that his poor patient has had practically every therapy known to man for his migraines and STILL no improvement.

"Listen," says the Doc, "I have migraines too, and the advice I'm going to give you isn't really anything I learned in medical school, but it's advice that I've gotten from my own experience. When I have a migraine, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a while. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand, especially around the forehead. This helps a little. Then I get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is killing me, I force myself to have sex with her. Almost always, the headache is immediately gone. Now, give it a try, and come back and see me in six weeks."

Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin.

"Doc! I took your advice and it works! It REALLY WORKS! I've had migraines for 17 years and this is the FIRST time anyone has ever helped me!"

"Well," says the physician, "I'm glad I could help."

"By the way, Doc," the patient adds, "you have a REALLY nice house."

August 17, 2009

Sam has been in the computer business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Vermont as far from humanity as possible. Sam sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it’s total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, he’s finishing dinner when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there stands a big, bearded Vermonter. “Names Enoch, your neighbor from four miles over the ridge. Having a party Saturday, thought you’d like to come.”

“Great,” says Sam, “after six months of this I’m ready to meet some local folks. Thank you.”

As Enoch is leaving he stops, “Gotta warn you there’s gonna be some drinkin’.”

“Not a problem. After 25 years in the computer business, I can drink with the best of ‘em.”

Again, as he starts to leave Enoch stops. “More’n likely gonna be some fightin’ too.”

Damn, Sam thinks…tough crowd. “Well, I get along well with people. I’ll be there. Thanks again.”

Once again Enoch turns from the door. “I’ve seen some wild sex at these parties, too.”

“Now that’s not a problem”, says Sam. “Remember, I’ve been alone for six months. By the way, what should I wear?

Enoch stops in the door again and says, “Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us.”


August 16, 2009

Two women go out one weekend without their husbands. As they came back,just before dawn, both of them drunk, they felt the urge to pee. They noticed that the only place to stop was a cemetery. Scared and drunk, they stopped and decided to go there anyway. The first one did not have anything to blot herself with, so she took her panties off, used them and discarded them. The second, not finding anything either, thought "I'm not getting rid of my panties..." so she used the ribbon of a nearby flower wreath.

The morning after, the two husbands were talking to each other on the phone, and one says to the other: "We have to be on the look-out; it seems that these two were up to no good last night, my wife came home without her panties..."
The other one responded: "You're lucky, mine came home with a card stuck to her butt that read, "We will never forget you."

August 15, 2009

"Cash, check or charge?" the cashier asked after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As the woman fumbled for her wallet, the cashier noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

"Do you always carry your TV remote?" the cashier asked.

"No," she replied. "But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him."

Yo' Mama is so stupid, she took her remote control to the movies.

August 14, 2009

10. "We have a lost child at gate D-4, the bidding will start at $20."

9. "I'm sorry madam, but we cannot allow you to bring your cat on board. We don't yet know the effects of high radiation on our feline friends. And we are required to check your bags."

8. "Yes sir, we are aware of the biohazard tag on your luggage and no, you don't want to know its origin. I recommend you refrain from opening your suitcase."

7. "Yes sir, importing Cuban cigars is illegal, that's why the security officer had to confiscate them. What? He's smoking them? Hey! You rat! Save some for me!"

6. "I'm sorry madam, but our insurance policy does not cover punctures in your bags caused by our checking attendants. No, it also does not cover airline crashes. It does cover explosions prior to takeoff, however, and is our most commonly purchased package."

5. "Attention all airline passengers, your flight has been delayed."

4. "For those who have never flown before or who have never heard about the concept of a flying machine: We are currently experiencing 'turbulence,' a common by-product of 'air travel.' Please refrain from screams of mortal danger until we've safely landed."

3. "Madam, please take your food now, the tongs are melting."

2. "We apologize for the delay. Due to extenuating circumstances, our pilot is experiencing difficulties with his sobriety level. Please allow sufficient time for him to have additional shots of tequila."

1. "This is your captain speaking, on the left you can now observe the majestic Mount Kilamanjar... oh, crap!"

August 13, 2009

You can't bring tweezers on an airplane?
If I'm on a plane and you try to hijack it with tweezers, I'll whip your ass, man.
You think I'm going to be late because you've got tweezers and a bad attitude?
There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Bearded Barbie ...complete with tweezers

August 12, 2009

Water Jokes

A minister is driving down to New York to see a show and he’s stopped in Connecticut for speeding. The state trooper smells alcohol on his breath and then he sees an empty wine bottle on the floor, and he says, “Sir, have you been drinking?” And the minister says, “Just water.” The sheriff says, “Then why do I smell wine?” And the minister looks down at the bottle and says, “Good Lord, He’s done it again!”

One day when Satan and God were having a weekly meeting (something Satan had started a few years previously. He got the idea from a new breed of residents called management consultants that had turned up in hell and told the most awful lies about how they had improved everything in their earthly life. In reality they had actually caused hell on earth), Satan started to boast that he was cleaning up the part of hell where he had to live. As a result of some engineering there was now clean water and no waste and corruption at all in his part of hell.

God got quite annoyed at this and said that all engineers belong in heaven not hell. Satan said, “Well some people who had once been engineers, had become managers instead and had slipped your net, but they still knew enough about engineering to do some good”.

A man went to visit his 90 year old grandfather and while eating the breakfast of eggs and bacon prepared for him, he noticed a film-like substance on his plate. So he says, “Grandfather, are these plates clean?” His grandfather replies, “Those plates are as clean as cold water can get them, so go on and finish your meal.” That afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his grandfather made for lunch, he noticed many little black specks around the edge of his plate so again he asked, “Grandfather are you sure these plates are clean?” Without looking up from his burger, the grandfather says, “I told you those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them, now don't ask me about it anymore.” Well, later that day, they were on their way out to get dinner. As he was leaving the house, grandfather’s dog who was lying on the floor started to growl and would not let him pass. “Grandfather, your dog won't let me out.” Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching, his grandfather shouted, “Coldwater, get out of the way!”

August 11, 2009

Top 10 Reasons Studying is better than Sex

10. You can usually find someone to do it with.

9. If you get tired, you can stop, save your place and pick up where you left off.

8. You can finish early without feelings of guilt or shame.

7. When you open a book, you don't have to worry about who else has opened it.

6. A little coffee and you can do it all night.

5. If you don't finish a chapter you won't gain a reputation as a "book teaser."

4. You can do it, eat and watch T.V. all at the same time.

3. You don't get embarrassed if your parents interrupt you in the middle.

2. You don't have to put your beer down to do it.

1. If you aren't sure what you're doing, you can always ask your roommate for help.

August 10, 2009

Once there was a little boy who was curious about what a strip club was like so one day he decided to sneak into one. Once he was in, he watched as the strippers danced. He watched until they started taking of their clothing. That's when he bolted out the door and started running down the street and into a man. The man asks the boy, "What's wrong young man? You look like you just saw a ghost!". The little boy replies, "My mommy and daddy told me that if I ever watched anybody undress, I'd turn to stone...and all of a sudden I felt something hard!".

August 9, 2009

'A Hippie Finds A Penny':

One day, a hippie was walking down the street in his city, and spots a penny face up on the ground. "Hey," the hippie thinks, "that's some good luck!" so he picks it up and slips it in his pocket. As he rounds the corner, he bumps into a pixie, of all things, floating in mid-air. "You're definitely in luck young man, because you just found MY lucky penny, and if you give it back, I'll give you two wishes." The hippie pulls out the penny and gives it back to the pixie, and then sits against a building to think for a minute.

The pixie patiently waited as the hippie pondered, and after a few minutes, he looks up and says "I wish I had a never ending joint!". The pixie grins mischievously and pulls a good-sized fatty out of her pocket. The hippie flicks his bic and lights up, puffing once, twice, four times... After ten puffs, the joint hasn't burned down a bit, the cherry still sitting perfectly on the end. At this point, the pixie is getting a little impatient, and tapes the very stoned hippie on the shoulder- "Well, what's your second wish?" and without missing a beat, the hippie exclaimed "Dude, I want another one of these!"

August 8, 2009

How long has it been since I offended "little people?"

Two friends that are dwarfs decide to treat themselves to a vacation in Las Vegas. Drunk and at the hotel bar, they’re dazzled by two women, and wind up taking them to their separate hotel rooms. The first dwarf and his woman try everything they can, but he’s just too drunk to get an erection. To make matters worse, he hears cries of “ONE, TWO, THREE… HUGHHHHHHH!” all night long from next door, where his friend and the other woman are. In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, “How did it go?” The first whispers back “It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn’t get an erection!” The second dwarf shook his head, “You think that’s embarrassing? I couldn’t even get on the bed!”

August 7, 2009

For Larene....

Top Ten Reasons To Work An Overtime Shift On The Weekend
10. Think of all the weight you'll lose from not getting to eat because of short staffing.
9. Think of the closeness you'll develop with you're co-workers after being knee-deep in crap
8. Everyone is so frazzled, next to them you look fabulous!
7. Think of all the extra tax money you will be sending to the government in interests of "Economic Recovery."
6. The joy of having the previous shift's supervisor tell you, " I don't understand why no one would return my calls to work today/tonight. Oh, and by the way, you are short two people with a full house of residents sick as dog dirt."
5. Because you're a new employee and you want to be a "TEAM PLAYER" like your boss told you to be. (That and you have "sucker" stamped on your forehead!)
4. When you go home with your back aching from not having any assistants who work weekends and your feet aching from running your butt off for "emergency procedures" (like the gas pain your patient has had for a week that is suddenly unbearable) you'll know that you really ARE a caregiver.
3. Think of all the computer skills you'll gain from putting in your own orders and ordering supplies.. (That can go on your resume' as...."Know how to operate multiple outdated computer models.")
2. You don't have time to adequately chart so you may get to learn how our judicial system works. On the bright side, your handwriting will be so bad that it can say whatever you want it to say!
1. Think of what a GREAT "Learning Experience" this will be. Translation: You just got shafted!!

August 6, 2009

For Genevičve...

One day, a man walks into a dentist's office and asks how much it will cost to extract wisdom teeth.

"Eighty dollars," the dentist says.
"That's a ridiculous amount," the man says.
"Isn't there a cheaper way?"
"Well," the dentist says, "if you don't use an anesthetic, I can knock the price down to $60."
"That's still too expensive," the man says.
"Okay," says the dentist. "If I save on anesthesia and simply rip the teeth out with a pair of pliers, I can knock the price down to $20."
"Nope," moans the man, "it's still too much."
"Well," says the dentist, scratching his head, "if I let one of my students do it, I suppose I can knock the price down to $10."

"Marvelous," says the man,
"Book my wife for next Tuesday!"

August 5, 2009


Free Beer
Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of 50 cents. Murphy said, "Hang on, I have an idea."


He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.
Shamus said, "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all." Murphy replied, "Don't worry - just follow me."


He went in to the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson whisky.
Shamus said, "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!" Murphy replied,


"Don't worry, I have a plan. Cheers!" They downed their drinks.
Murphy said, "Ok, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth."
The barman noticed them, went berserk and threw them out.


They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk all for free. At the tenth pub, Shamus said, "Murphy, I don't think I can do any more o'this. Me knees are killin' me!" Murphy said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub."


August 4, 2009

A group of nuns were traveling in a car when it had a flat tire. They got out and attempted to change it, but being rather unworldly, they had no idea how to go about it. Fortunately, a truck came along and the driver offered to change it for them. They gratefully accepted.

As the trucker jacked up the car, it slipped from the jack. "Son-of-a-bitch!" he screamed.
"Sir, that is inappropriate language," the eldest nun said. "We understand you're upset, but must you use such language?"

"My apologies, Sister," he replied, and tried again. It slipped again and nearly smashed his fingers. "Son-of-a-bitch!" he screamed.
"Please, sir, we would ask you again to not use such language," the nun scolded. "If changing our tire is causing you to do so, perhaps it would be best if you didn't help us."

"I'm sorry, Sister, but I get so upset that it just comes out," the trucker replied.
"Well," said the nun, "say something else when you get upset. Say something like 'Dear Lord, help me'."

Once more, the trucker attempted to jack up the car and again it slipped. He began to blurt out "Son..." but quickly caught himself and said, "Dear Lord, help me."
At that, the car miraculously rose into the air all by itself.

Staring in amazement, the nuns exclaimed, "Son-of-a-bitch!"

August 3, 2009

My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandpa, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo while I asked, "No, how are we alike?" "You're both old," he replied.


A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor. She told him she was writing a story. "What's it about?" he asked. "I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."


A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties. They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster. "No, said another, "he's just for good luck." A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs", she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant

August 2, 2009

A young man volunteered to babysit one night so his mom could have an evening out. At bedtime he sent the youngsters upstairs to bed and settled down to watch football. One child kept creeping down the stairs, but the young man kept sending him back.

At 9:00 p.m., the doorbell rang. It was the next-door neighbor, Mrs. Brown, asking whether her son was there. The young man brusquely replied, “No.”
Just then a little head appeared over the banister and a voice shouted, “I’m here, Mom, but he won’t let me go home.”


Who is the greatest baby-sitter mentioned in the Bible?
David - He rocked Goliath to sleep.


How many babysitters does it take to change a light bulb?
Are you joking? They can't even change a dirty diaper!


August 1, 2009

A young doctor had moved into town and was setting up a new practice. He had a new sign painted and hung it in front of his office, proclaiming his specialties: "Homosexuals & Hemorrhoids."

The town fathers were upset with the sign and asked him please to change it. The Doctor was eager to please, so he put up a new sign: "Queers & Rears."

The town fathers were really fuming about that one, so they demanded that the Doctor come up with a decent sign that would not offend the townspeople. So the Doctor came up with an acceptable sign: "Odds & Ends."